The Discovery of Fire

We are going back to a time when people lived their lives away from screens. A period in time when there were no jobs, power bills, or late night Cinemax movies. During the day people hunted, gathered, and survived a life without Wi-Fi. At night, they hid in caves, trees, and makeshift shelter that made homeless encampments look like luxury apartments. Life was divided between the light of day and the darkness of the night.

Enter Kevin, a Homo erectus. Kevin hated his job as a hunter. He hated having to wake up early in the day in order to catch animals in their sleep. Traffic in the morning wasn’t that bad, but coffee hadn’t been invented. Mornings were rough. Kevin tried to change jobs by trying out gathering, but the other Homos made fun of him. Gathering had always been a woman’s job. Being a gatherer meant Kevin would have been socially shunned by the men. As a result, Kevin was forced to hunt in order to bring home the uncured bacon.

All changed one afternoon when Kevin was gathering rocks in preparation to go bird hunting the next day. Kevin’s live-in girlfriend, Karen, wanted to have chicken for dinner. Their relationship had hit a rough patch ever since Karen kept feeling like something was missing in her life. Religion nor churches had been invented, but it wasn’t a lack of a spiritual life. What Karen felt was her biological clock letting her know it was time to get married. Kevin was not aware because men have and will always be clueless about everything. He still knew something was sort of wrong and getting some chicken meant he could go to sleep without having to listen to Karen complain about their cave-neighbors eating chicken and them having to settle for dirt again.

The next day, Kevin woke up a little earlier than usual because he wanted to beat the morning rush hour to the watering hole. He stuffed his pockets with the rocks he had collected and left. No breakfast because those ABBA loving Swedes had not invented the food pyramid yet. Kevin was on his way to the watering hole when he noticed Frank, a coworker he hated to talk to because he smelled like a sweaty beaver. The only option Kevin had was to start running to avoid Frank. As Kevin ran to the watering hole he felt a burning sensation in his khaki shorts. The rocks in his pocket had produced spark and turned his pants on fire. Not wanting to let others know he wore superhero underwear he dipped into the watering hole and put out the fire in his crotch.

Kevin didn’t want to go back home to change and deal with Karen. She had given him those khaki pants for father’s day. Something Kevin resented because he never got the PlayStation he wanted due to them being out of stock everywhere. So Kevin stayed close to the watering hole with his burned up pants and patiently waited for his coworkers to arrive. He didn’t have a car nor a parking lot to park and wait, therefore he simply hung by a tree. The fire in his pants had made him think about how it had happened. Lightning hadn’t struck him, nor had he stumbled into a pool of lava like his favorite uncle Pompeii. It didn’t make sense. Where did the fire come from?

The coworkers began to arrive and asked questions about why his pants were burned. No one believed the story. Not even Frank. Kevin knew something strange had happened and was puzzled. He had to set aside the investigation and start work. The crew spent most of the morning seeking out birds and throwing rocks at them. Little by little each one of them had caught a bird. It was lunch time and Kevin had to head back home. Boy was he nervous. Karen would be happy for the bird, but angry for the pants. Such had been Kevin’s life since Karen had moved in after his parents had died at the ripe age of twenty three.

Our hero stopped at the department store cave on his way back. He was hoping to buy new khakis to replace the burnt ones. That’s when he stumbled into one of his coworkers. Kenneth was the smartest Homo Kevin knew. He owned the biggest cave, had married the bonfire queen, and was consistently the best hunter in the tribe. Kevin always tried to avoid Kenneth because it made him feel like a Homo habilis. They had a brief conversation about his pants and Kenneth became intrigued about the rocks being in Kevin’s pockets during the incident. It was clear that the rocks and Kevin’s pants had something to do with fire. Kenneth asked Kevin to switch pants as he also wore the same style khakis. They went into the changing rooms and swapped pants. This made Kevin very happy as he was not forced to drive up his credit card balance even further. The cost of living had been rising thanks to all the inflation introduced by the monkeys on Wall Cave Street.

Karen was very happy to see Kevin arrive with the chicken. She immediately grabbed the dead bird from his hands and started to prepare it. Kevin headed outside and immediately started to gather rocks once again. Kenneth had told him the rocks, the pants, and the fire had something in common. He was on a mission to find out how.

It took all afternoon, but Kevin now had all the rocks he needed for his experiment. He stuffed them in his pockets and started running. Nothing happened. He ran a little farther. Nope. Nada. Kevin didn’t get it. He was wearing khaki pants with rocks in the pockets. What he didn’t quite get was that Kenneth’s pants were a little bigger given that he had dinner every night. Kenneth could afford dinner. Our prehistoric friend kept running back and forth until late in the evening when Karen called him in for dinner. As he sat down to eat, she noticed the pants looked strange. Karen asked Kevin about the pants and he told her the story of how they caught on fire. She did not believe nor want to have him wear Kenneth’s pants. It was embarrassing enough that Karen had to live in a cave near the volcano. She was not going to have her boyfriend wear someone else’s clothes. Kevin was ordered to buy new pants and return the others.

Next morning Kevin got up earlier and took a short pterodactyl flight to the department store. He got a new pair of khaki pants in the correct size. On his way to work, he stopped by Kenneth’s house and dropped off the pants. Kenneth had left for work already, so his wife Linda answered the door. Kevin always had a thing for Linda, and she knew it. But never gave him the time of day because how was she going to survive on dirt every other day? I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke cavemen. Kevin gave the pants to Linda, told her to thank Kenneth on his behalf, and started running to work. He realized that he needed to gather rocks once again and stopped to do so. Once again, our hero gathered as many rocks as he could and stuffed them into his pockets. Time flew by and Kevin was now late for work. He hated being late because it meant he had to wait longer for his turn to hunt. So Kevin blasted off like a rocket, and on the way there caught on fire again. This time in front of his coworkers.

No one called 911 because numbers hadn’t been invented. Everyone just stared as Kevin jumped around while trying to put the fire out. A woolly mammoth that was nearby directed its water-filled trunk towards Kevin and put the fire out. They had invented the modern fire engine, but were completely unaware of it. Such is life before the invention of the smartphone.

Kevin’s boss, Mr. Blerg, sent him home early. He had suffered minor burns and needed to rest. Karen heard someone enter the cave and thought it was one of those pesky cave-to-cave salesmen that were always trying to get her to buy the latest fauna in fashion. She hurried to hide but noticed it was Kevin. “What happened?” said Karen in the sort of voice a woman who is worried and angry at the same time can do. “My pants caught on fire again and I was sent back home to recover.” An argument about what they were going to eat was started by a now visibly angry Karen and Kevin left the cave to avoid the drama.

Poor Kevin now had nowhere to go. He kept walking aimlessly until he arrived to the old levee. This was his favorite spot to play as a kid. Every Saturday his dad would drive him in his chevy to the levee to swim and play. But now the levee was dry, and Kevin didn’t inherit his dad’s car. He started picking up rocks and throwing them while saying things like “Stupid rocks, what have they ever done for me?” He kept throwing and throwing and throwing rocks until exhausted. Nightfall was about to come and he was still outside. That meant he had to hurry back up. Knowing full well that he would leave early the next day to ensure a good hunt, Kevin stuffed his burned up pants once again with rocks. A T-Rex appeared at a distance and that was his sign to get out of Dodge.

As he ran back home into the sunset his pants caught on fire again. Kevin kept running home like a human fireball. Everyone came out of their caves to see Kevin run past them in flames and screaming. He ran past Kenneth, who thought quickly and grabbed an old branch that was lying around and ran after him. “Kevin, stop! Let me light this branch on fire with your pants!” Kevin slowed down enough to let Kenneth put the branch on fire and then sped up and headed home.

By the time he got there the wind had put out the fire. He was almost naked, burned up, tired, and depressed. Why was the volcano god cursing him with pants that caught on fire? Why couldn’t he be blessed with a professional baseball career like he had always dreamed? Kevin went into the cave a defeated man. Karen saw his burned up pants and didn’t say a word. She had begun to suspect something funny was going but was not going to kick Kevin while he was down. That’s how her parents ended up divorced and on Tinder.

A little while later, Kenneth stopped by with his fiery branch. He wanted to thank Kevin for the fire and had brought him some leftover lasagna Linda had made. That made both Kevin and Karen angry, but they played it off in the same way you play off getting a really awful Christmas present. Kenneth left and Karen threw the lasagna out the window. She’d rather them starve. No more words were spoken that night between the two. Somehow the heat of Kevin’s pants being on fire had turned the cave into a very cold place.

The next morning, Kevin got up, put on another pair of pants he had and headed out to work. Once again stopping to pick up rocks, though this time he took a bag with him. Being on fire hurt. It also sucked because he had the one thing everyone wanted yet couldn’t understand why it was happening. As he ran by the World Cave Trade Center, Kevin once again ran into Kenneth, who worked there as a lava trader. Kenneth always made the joke that he loved trading lava futures because the market was always hot. Everyone hated that joke and wanted to throw him into the lava.

“Kevin, I hope you enjoyed the lasagna. Listen buddy, I was talking to a friend of mine last night and we decided to get you a dozen pants and a bag of rocks.” Kevin knew Kenneth was up to something because nothing ever came from the kindness of his heart. “We’re talking really nice khaki pants in your size. Be home around five thirty today and I’ll drop them off myself.” Kenneth didn’t give Kevin a chance to say anything and left.

Kevin’s day at work was fairly normal, except for that one guy who got eaten by a gator. He didn’t follow safety protocols and now is going to spend the rest of his death being gawked at by fifth graders in a science museum during modern times. Quitting time came around and Kevin headed home with two chickens. He was making up for the chicken he had failed to hunt the day before.

Kenneth was already there when Kevin arrived with the dozen pants and bag of rocks he had promised. Kevin went inside, put the two chickens on top of the limestone kitchen counter, and went back out. Kenneth convinced him to keep the stuff to help figure out what was happening with his pants and the fire. They both agreed to head out to the levee the next afternoon for some tests.

Both men showed up at the same time and started to discuss the plan. Kevin was to put on some pants, stuff them with rocks, and run as fast as he could. Kenneth would watch and pick the fleas off his skin as note taking had not been invented yet. Neither had the scientific method. Kevin put on the first pair of pants, got some of the better looking rocks, and started running around the dry levee. He ran and ran and ran until he was tired. Kenneth didn’t quite understand why the fire had not started.

Turns out the rocks Kenneth brought in the bag had been picked from the local river and were wet. It wasn’t until Kevin went through the whole bag of wet rocks that he noticed his pants were soaked. He hated water and immediately changed into a dry pair of khakis. Given that no more rocks were left in the bag, Kevin started picking up rocks from the levee. The pockets in his pants were stuffed almost to the point of breaking. Kenneth tried to count to ten but couldn’t because, and I say this again, numbers hadn’t been invented yet. Pay attention.

Kevin sped off once more and suddenly his pants caught on fire. In all the excitement Kevin forgot to stop, drop, and roll and the pants burned off. They had stumbled into something. Kenneth, not wanting to waste any time, put on one of the pants, stuffed it with rocks from the levee, and started to run. Being a little heavier than Kevin meant Kenneth couldn’t go as fast. He ran and ran until almost passing out with his pants intact.

Kevin put on another pair of pants, stuffed the pockets with dry rocks, and started to run again. This time faster than ever before. He knew he had something special and was on the verge of finding out. Then, as it tends to happen in 80s action movies, time slowed down. Kevin felt the burning sensation of fire in his pants. It had happened once again, and now he knew why. Kenneth knew he had stumbled into one of the most important things ever and Kevin was his golden egg laying goose. They both talked about what had happened and agreed to tell no one. Later that night, Karen asked Kevin why he had new burns in his skin and he mentioned some kids playing with lava outside. She didn’t pay much mind to it and went on to sleep.

The two frienemies founded the first energy company under the name Enron. They made millions of dollars by trading pants on fire for other goods. That went really well until Kevin hurt his Achille’s heel and could not run anymore, despite Achille’s not having been born yet. Kenneth used some magic accounting techniques and somehow they made even more money. Kevin didn’t understand why, he was just happy with the money, fame, and respect. Eventually Kenneth divorced Linda for another woman. She went on to start dating Kevin. Not long after she moved in with Kevin and Karen and the three of them lived happily ever after. Well, until religion was invented and bigamy became a crime punishable by stoning.