Earth According to What Wikipedia Taught Me

The Earth is the third planet from the Sun. As such, it is spoiled as much as all younger siblings. Mercury and Venus do not have it as good as Earth with all the heat they get from daddy Sun. Earth is the only planet, so far, known to harbor life. I say so far, because given everything that has happened in the last twenty five years, we are bound to discover life somewhere else. That’s gonna make little Earth sad and jealous.

Surface Topography

According to the one-time distrusted source, Wikipedia, the reason Earth is the only known planet to harbor life is all the water it retains. Next time someone calls you fat, tell them you are simply following the Earth diet. Unlike your hips, Earth’s water is mostly contained in its oceans, which cover most of Earth’s surface. Similar to how late night eBay purchases cover most of your credit card statements.

The rest of Earth is land, or how people in the biz call it, real estate. The term “location, location, location” was invented by the early natives who were navigating oceans trying to find a place to call home. The first real estate agents were a little rough around the edges (give them a break since fire hadn’t been invented). But they knew one thing: a cave next to the water was worth so much more than a cave in the forest.

Atmosphere

Planet Earth has a dynamic atmosphere mostly composed of nitrogen, oxygen, and gas from spicy bean burritos. The atmosphere has many layers similar to an onion, and like an onion, it makes some people cry when talking about it. Water vapor is widely present in the atmosphere. That explains why it rains every time I want to do anything fun. It’s not paranoia when you see the same bucket shaped cloud following you around.

Shape

It is said that the Earth is round. Smarter people know it’s a globe. Really stupid people believe it’s flat. Earth is the densest planet in the Solar System because it continues to let humans live. Similar to how I keep paying for the more expensive trash service that is much worse than the alternatives. Change is hard. More so when it requires you to get rid of the thing that is killing you.

Satellites

There’s the Moon orbiting Earth, and besides being a place we land on for bragging rights, it doesn’t do much. Every once in a while it’ll stand in between the Earth and the Sun and make an eclipse, like the cousin who will get in front of the TV when you are playing video games. Earth doesn’t mind Moon in the same way I didn’t mind my cousins. They had a really bad habit of sticking around when my girlfriend came over to visit. Beat it, Alejandro. Gina doesn’t visit often and papi needs some alone time.

Geologic History

Scientists say the Earth formed about 4.5 billion years ago. That’s almost as much time as most people need to pay off their student loans. The planet was formed from gas and dust, which means anyone who eats bean burritos will eventually form a celestial body around their hind quarters. The same scientists say that humans only showed up around 300,000 years ago, and not a minute too early. I always wonder why the Earth was given this penance. Listen, you and me know we’re not good for the planet. Whatever amount of paper straws you carry around won’t change anything. The planet is getting rid of us soon. Humans are to Earth what being nineteen is to a teenager.

Etymology

The name “Earth” comes from Old English, a language now mostly spoken by old people. Well, old by cool standards. The Latin name of Earth is “Terra,” which is a nicer name. Earth sounds like the noise you make after swallowing a hot dog whole. Terra is so much nicer, so much more LA. The Greek had a different name “Gaia,” which they stopped using when all the immature homophobes that frequent social media turned it into an insult. At this point in time, it is rather wild there are still people arguing against the happiness and nature of others. Maybe we should just start arguing against them being straight. “There goes John, he is so straight it makes me wanna puke. Gross.” That’ll teach ‘em. Interestingly enough, the Earth doesn’t have a last name. For a brief time during the 80s people were calling it Earth Doe. The last name didn’t stick, thankfully. Doe rhymes with hoe and I will not get into any jokes about your mother.

Evolutionary History

The Earth suffers from a condition called evolution. It started the same way all diseases start, with a chemical reaction. That led to some pubescent molecules to get the Jones and start replicating. Fifth grade health class didn’t exist back then. Neither did bananas. A long while after all this ruckus, the first common ancestor of life rose. I know that being died a long time ago, but I swear that I’ve met many many many of its ancestors during my time. Their popular name is “mouth breathers.”

Evolution led to so many bad things for Earth. The discovery of fire led to the invention of the combustion engine. The evolution of plants into trees led to people cutting trees down to make paper. That paper was used to create books like Mein Kampf, an erotic work of fiction that was eventually turned into something used to commit atrocities. That made the Earth really sad and she decided to punish the Germans by making their diet sausage based. I don’t hate the German people. They’re mostly OK as Europeans go. Everyone has family they’re embarrassed about.

Climate

This little brave planet is now dealing with yet another disease called global warming. It’s like a low fever that won’t go away and will boil all of the responsible bacteria from its surface. Although I do not want global warming to continue, I do agree with the premise that it’ll take us out. Let’s face it, humans are not a good species. We high-pressure sell each other time shares in places we’d never visit in the first place. That’s enough of an argument to boil us away.

Gravity

Gravity on Earth is strong enough to keep us planted down into its surface, but weak enough to let us fly airplanes into buildings. I do wish gravity was a little weaker every time I go on a scale. Sometimes I tell people I weigh 30 Moon lbs. to please my superficial need to not be fat and ugly. I can always lose weight, but I can’t afford good plastic surgery.

Prehistoric Fauna

For a while before humans existed, unless you enjoy visiting the Creationism museum in Kentucky, the Earth was populated by dinosaurs. These were giant lizards that were supposedly killed off by a meteor drunk driving through space. The few lizards that survived the scene of the crime evolved into birds. It’s why chickens have such a killer instinct. They’re basically T-Rex we find to be finger lickin’ good. Most of the popular knowledge about dinosaurs is learned from the shape of little chicken nuggets. That is not a coincidence.

Geography

Of all the continents of Earth, Africa is the most important. No, it is not North America. Settle down people. Africa is where humans come from. Our ancestors were chilling and hanging out at trees when one of the dumber ones dropped something to the floor. We all came down from the trees to help Assata find the keys to her bright red 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT. A car beloved by the early Australopithecus, and hated by every Corvette owner ever since.

Africa is also Earth’s most entertaining continent. Unlike all the reality TV shows other continents produce full of drunken people making questionable choices for the sake of fame, Africa’s shows are nature based. Did you know that rhino horns are made of the same stuff as our fingernails? I learned that while writing this essay. It led me into investigating the profitability of operating rhino nail salons. The money is there, but the risk is too high. Rhinos do not leave negative reviews, they just charge at you.

Editor’s Note

Anyway, I tried updating Wikipedia’s entry for Earth with all of these wonderful facts and examples. It went as well as my American Idol audition. The moderators were quick to ban me from editing the entry. I’m fine with their decision due to my plan to feed this into AI and have it show up in the homework of third graders. Those kids will eventually grow up and update Wikipedia for me. Thus showing, once more, how terrible evolution has been to Earth.