I watched the first two episodes of Let’s Marry Harry on Netflix and I have thoughts. A bunch of them … so I’m going to stick with main thoughts on most of these.
If you’re not familiar with Harry Jowsey, since his premiere in the reality TV world on Too Hot To Handle in 2020, he’s had a string of public relationships. Many of them have ended … not well.
This show appears to be Netflix’s entry into The Bachelor genre - Harry meets 20 women, says he’s going to marry one of them at the end of the show.
Here’s a trope that you see on reality TV, but that I’ve heard more than once in real life as well:
There’s a distinction that many people seem not to grasp. On one side, there’s who imagine yourself to be inside your own head. On the other are the actions and behaviors you demonstrate in the world.
For many people, especially those who haven’t been to therapy, these two things are not the same.
Think of many of the people who proclaim that Jesus is their lord and savior, then spend their lives condemning queer people and judging those who are disadvantaged. Their self-concept is of love and charity. Their behaviors demonstrate cruelty.
Hey Purity Culture dropouts - this is a reminder that it’s not a you problem when you have trouble trusting people. It was trained into you by an entire culture of people who said one thing and did something completely different.
So when people say “I’m sorry for what I did, it wasn’t in my character,” my first question is: what do you think your character is made up of? It’s made up of your actions. So if you have repeatedly taken an action (like being untrustworthy in relationships) that is your character. Even if your self-concept is “When I meet the love of my life, I’ll settle down and treat her like a queen.”
Reasonable people can differ on this, but I see it as a green flag when someone is friendly - even ‘besties’ - with an ex. It’s a sign that the person I’m dating is probably able to maintain relationships, navigate conflict, and recognize someone’s humanity even when they’re not actively sleeping together.
Just about every line in this clip makes me want to rant. Amanda Kloots deserved a better script.
People use the terms intimacy and sex interchangeably, when they are actually very different.
Intimacy is about closeness, openness, connection. There is physical intimacy, sure. But there is also emotional intimacy, mental intimacy, spiritual intimacy, etc.
Saying “Intimacy is key in marriage” is accurate … if you’re talking about a sense of connection. It is inaccurate if you mean sex.
There are many successful couples who love each other deeply who do not have a sexual relationship - some are asexual; some have lost interest in sex due to aging; some are non-monogamous and chose to not let sexual incompatibility get in the way of an otherwise-solid relationship.
So no, sex is not required to have a happy, healthy relationship.
To then say “Everyone has different needs” and follow it with a question about how often you’re going to have intercourse is a direct repudiation of the idea that everyone has different needs. Personally, my needs include cuddling many times a week. But intercourse is something I can take or leave most of the time. The last time I had intercourse was several months ago and I’m perfectly happy with that. But make me go more than a few days without cuddling and I quickly descend into an unpleasant version of myself.
Finally - “or when the house is clean” is presented as a joke, a thing only a complete freak would say. It’s actually a real answer for many people. And it’s also why a lot of men would get a lot more sex if they participated in carrying the mental and emotional load of the household.
Another reality TV dating show trope is “I’m here for the right reasons.” The right reasons, of course, are to find their one and only while watching dozens of their newest best friends be rejected and leave “broken hearted.”
But the odds of being that one person are low - five percent on this show (20 contestants) and they’re even lower on The Bachelor, depending on how many contestants they cast for a season.
Personally, I can’t imagine a world where that is truly worth someone quitting their job.
However, I can absolutely imagine a 23-year-old quitting her (presumably entry-level) job for: a glamorous all-expenses-paid six-week vacation from “real life”; a chance to meet a bunch of new people, some of whom will certainly become her new best friends; for exposure, if that’s the type of life they’re looking for. Each of those has a high percentage chance of coming true.
When I say “The best way to get your needs met is to tell the other person,” I’m often met with one of two answers:
I don’t think I could do that. I’d be too uncomfortable.
I’m afraid it would hurt their feelings.
May I present to you Amber. She isn’t afraid of making Harry uncomfortable because she’s more interested in seeing if he can meet her needs instead of the other way around.
She tells him exactly what she likes - a man who expresses his desire for her verbally and physically. And not only does he not get his feelings hurt, he says, “Now I know what you need.”
EXACTLY.
And what happens when he actually does it? Danelle looks on wistfully and say, “I want that!”
Amber was brave enough to ask for it, so she got it.
I’m willing to bet 99.9% that Danelle didn’t ask for it.
Clearly, a man who has never had to wear heels for an entire evening. 🤣🤣
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