A letter

Written for those who are mid-spiritual quest and not sure where to turn.

Dear You,

You’re probably feeling a darkness, one which is all-consuming. So consuming that you’re considering exiting life. It’s too claustrophobic. It’s too real. It’s more real than the touch of your girlfriend’s hand. It’s more real than the look on your brother’s face. It’s more real than the breath going out of your chest. It’s more real than anything.

You’ve already got to this point through exploration. Not even probably - you’ve definitely got to this point through exploration. People don’t stumble across this, and if they do, it’s so rare. People seek this. People spend their lives - hundreds of lives- looking for this. And here you are, in the midst of something that feels like a psychotic break. That’s what modern medicine calls it. They say you need antidepressants, suggest taking time off work. They view it as an illness, a disease, a black cloud.

So here you sit, surrounded on all sides by people who think you’re sick. But you know this sickness isn’t one that can be cured through medicine. So you ignore the medicine. It doesn’t mean you find the cure. So you put a brave face on. You say, I’m strong. I’ve made it this far. I can make it further. And true, you’ve overcome things before. You’ve overcome hard times. But for the first time, you see that this thought doesn’t carry the same conviction.

And so you start to fall apart.

First go the people on the periphery - your friends. They feel like arrows. Their words, their looks, no longer feel reassuring. Then your loved ones - your girlfriend, your family. And then yourself.

There’s no rest amongst the chaos. No peace when all there is is noise.

So you try psychedelics. You try five grams with a shaman. You try talking therapy. You try boxing. You try diving into work. And none of it works. Or at least, it temporarily helps. But behind all these actions is still just a numbness - being there in body, but not even sure what it means to be embodied. Your thoughts don’t work. Your body feels distant. You’re stuck between limbos.

And yet you find the strength to continue.

You try new techniques. You fall in love. You fall out of love. You get a tattoos. You’re grateful for the positive habits you built before this experience, because they keep you safe - or as safe as you can be kept. But you know it’s just a matter of time until you dissolve, until you rejoin.

So as you’re reading this, know that there is rejoining. Know that you might need to cry tears for a thousand lives. Know that the pain you carry is more than your own. Know that the weight isn’t just from however long you’ve been here - it’s in your DNA. The heaviness is in your blood. It’s in your bloodline. It surrounds you. You swim in it.

So don’t rush the process, because it can’t be rushed. Don’t wish to change it, because it can’t be changed. Just have faith that you’re going through an initiation.

You’re going through something that few even read about - and even fewer experience. You’re cleaning out everything. You’re emptying the deepest parts of your depths. Everything. Fucking everything. All your wants, all your desires, all your dislikes. And it’s burning through you. You’re made of timber, and right now, you’re lying on a bonfire.

Know that this is an initiation.

For once you die - not through the easy escape you think you can take, because that doesn’t end it - but once you die through acceptance, through allowing, through knowing that this is bigger than you, then you’ll be free.

And you’ll view the hard times, the confusions - you’ll view it all - as your hero’s journey. The hero’s journey that few take.

So, my friend, you are blessed. Seek support. Seek healthy habits. Seek guidance. Seek curiosity. But know that it will get better. And it will get better in a way you could never have dreamed.

Reach out to me any time, i’m always here for you (@Wanderinglex__)

Peace,

Lex