The president of the company looked at his emotional intelligence assessment scores and couldn’t help but notice one glaring weakness: empathy. His score in this area was alarmingly low. Without hesitation, he admitted, “Oh yeah, I don’t have any empathy.”
I was intrigued. “What do you mean?” I asked.
With a sincere look, he responded, “I don’t know; I just don’t care. I don’t care about people’s feelings. I don’t care about the things they want to talk about.” He reiterated, “I just don’t care. I’m not sure why—I just don’t.”
As he spoke, it became clear that he believed some people are naturally empathetic while others are not, and that nothing could change that. But empathy is not a fixed trait; it’s a skill that can be developed. And as a leader, learning to cultivate empathy can be a game-changer.
I posed a question: “Would you like to develop some empathy? It would serve you well as a leader.”
“OK,” he said. “Tell me what I can do.”
“Let’s start with a simple exercise,” I suggested. “Next time someone comes into your office, put your phone aside or close your computer. Hold up your hand and show them five fingers. Say, ‘I have five minutes. Tell me what I can do for you.’”
He agreed to try it.
At our next coaching session, he shared something surprising. “For the first time in my life, I felt someone’s pain.” An employee had come to him, worried about her sick child. “I listened,” he said, “and I actually felt her pain.”
I asked him why he thought this interaction was different. He wasn’t sure. I explained: it was because he had created space for connection. He had stopped his “train” to step onto someone else’s “merry-go-round.”
Leaders with low empathy often operate like trains. They have a clear destination, a strict schedule, and little tolerance for detours. Facts matter; feelings do not.
Meanwhile, highly empathetic individuals are like merry-go-rounds. They feel everything deeply, moving in circles of emotion rather than straight lines of logic. This can frustrate train people, who prefer efficiency over emotional engagement.
But true leadership requires balance. Learning to step onto someone’s merry-go-round—briefly—allows leaders to connect without losing focus.
Empathy means joining someone in their moment and understanding their experience. It’s what allows a leader to attend a funeral wake not just as a formality, but to truly share in an employee’s grief. It’s what makes an employee feel seen, valued, and respected.
Yet, empathy has its limits. Too much can lead to avoiding necessary tough decisions for fear of causing discomfort. Leadership requires a balance: feeling with people while still moving them forward.
When I began my own emotional intelligence journey, I struggled with empathy. I was distant, analytical, and disconnected from emotion. As I worked to develop empathy, I sometimes overcorrected, losing myself in others’ feelings. I had to learn that true empathy is not about being consumed by emotion but about acknowledging it and helping others move forward.
Empathy is one of the most powerful leadership skills. It builds trust, fosters loyalty, and creates an environment where people feel seen and valued. If you struggle with empathy, know that it’s a skill you can develop. Start small. Give five minutes. Step onto the merry-go-round. And watch how it transforms your leadership.
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