Kicking off pre-k with a car crash

8/10 4:02pm

Most of the time I feel like the worst mom atleast 5x a day but in a strange turn of events today was not one of them. I’m a very very very lucky bitch who has both sets of grandparents that are very helpful and for the next two weeks they are OOO on much deserved vacation so I am left to fend for myself with 2 kids, my own neurosis, and all the things in between. Listen, if you’re reading this and you’re like this bitch has help from both sides and she’s still overwhelmed? Paleassseeee. I get it because I used to think the same shit until motherhood became my reality and lol shit is wild.

Anyway, today I took the kids to 2 different farms and my fave coffee shop, prepped dinner for tomorrow night and also dinner for tonight, filled out an online form form for a dog walker while tiddie feeding, washed some dishes, went to the bathroom twice, kept the kids fed and alive, and comforted Raney during the 286 thunderstorm of the summer, so I’m basically super fucking mom except I forgot to drink water.

8/11 4:55am

I am very excited for the day when my brain has space to write about more than my kids.

4:27pm

Day 2 without the grandmas and it feels like complete fuckery, a true change of pace from yesterday but somehow I still managed to get a new phone (storage space WADDUP), prep dinner for tonight, schedule a cardiology appt, and actually get a workout in with Luca strapped to my chest and Raney by my side.

I lost my patience multiple times with Stevie and am back to feeling like the worst mom in the world but also - toddler are fucking HARD especially when they’re smarter than you.

8/12 5:51am

Little guy must have known I had a day because he only woke up once last night which means I got almost 7ish(?) hours of sleep?! A true miracle if you ask any parent so now I’m laying with him in my chest just staring at his cute ass face wishing I could teleport a coffee to myself.

Stevie has her pre-K orientation today and I am unwell. Time is such a thief in a way that feels too fast and elongated all in one setting. I am so excited for her (and me let’s be real) to start school even though I feel like it is going to chip away at her babyness, another thing I never understood until I became a parent.

8/13 2:33am

There’s nothing like kicking off pre-k orientation with your car getting t-boned right in front of the school for a casual coming in hot first impression then having to mom-up and walk in with a smile on your face while everyone asks if you’re okay and your kid runs into the classroom without a second thought and you can’t figure out if your head hurts from the accident or because you haven’t taken a sip of water all morning and you’re in the middle of conversations but you’re really replaying the whole debacle in your brain trying to think if there was any way you could have avoided it and hoping your car isn’t totaled.

Everyone’s fine (thank god) except mom’s car. Luca wasn’t in the car (another HUGE thank god) and Stevie’s reaction was “What was that? I want to go to pre school” so all in all, she handled it like a champ until I had to literally sling her over my shoulder while she open mouth, snot spitting, kicked and screamed “I WANT TO GO TO PRE SCHOOL!!!!” when it was time to leave.

Safe to say it was another day of fuckery but everyone is okay and apparently my kid REALLY WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL.

8/14 3:32am

There are random moments, usually during feedings or when I’m not spiraling in goldfish thought for once, where I can feel myself slipping away from the newborn bubble, even when I’ve been ‘out of it’ for weeks. It’s a strange, dichotomous feeling because there’s a piece of me that wants to get back to routine, craves the day to day ‘normal’ life of doing things, work, and not be in such a mundane cycle, but then there’s another piece of me that knows I will never get this back. I will never be able to sit at home for hours on end and truly do nothing except care for my babies without the guilt of laziness or having to do something to provide ‘value’, again.

5:31am

Thinking about going back to work feels like a human jigsaw puzzle, like the logistics of how the fuck I’ll be able to keep two kids alive and occupied while working with my clients and using my brain when it still feels like someone has taken an ice cream scooper to it for an XL sundae. If you’re a mom who has gone back to work after multiples, HALP (no really, help).

5/14 2:26am

Whole heartedly regretting the 2 glasses of Kimmy C I had at dinner and so are my boobs.

4:12am

I redact that statement I only half heartedly regret those 2 glasses of Kimmy C.

Currently watching Furious because I will always love a curly haired Emmy Rossum. Reading Here Kitty Kitty by Jardine Libaire. Twilight dreams may come true hoa hoa hoa hoa hoaaaaa