It’s kind of a lot and nothing at the same time

7/27 5:29pm

I’ve done mental gymnastics about sending out newsletters like this but if it doesn’t come like this it ain’t gonna happen because I don’t have the time, energy, hands or brain cells to be able to send out a well thought out newsletter or piece with editing and decisions and bla bla bla.

it’s one month out from little guys early arrival and he’s sitting in my lap while Stevie lays across my shoulders like I’m a jungle gym and baby shark (kill me) plays on repeat for the 286 time. Best mom award goes to mwah.

Anyway, I’m living in a seperate dimension that runs in fragmented sleep, cold coffee, unwinnable toddler arguments, and newborn needs. I posted a note about this and the only likes I got were from dude bots which I think is really weird.

Still can’t believe I’m a double kid mom, that I have a boy and a girl and they both need me to survive, like who allowed this to happen? It’s wild where your mind goes when you don’t know your ass from your elbow or what day or time it is.

this time last week I was silent sobbing in the bathroom because I was so overwhelmed and I burnt the kale in the oven because I tried to “follow a recipe” and go against my intuition which is to NEVER follow a recipe. But rn things feel ‘calm’ which I’ve realized can change in a split second so I better soak this up and let me mind run through the mental list of to-dos while I stare at Luca and think “this time a month ago I was letting out the most guttural, horrific, and vile noises as you literally moved down my birth canal and how are you one month old already you perfect little creature?”

7/28 7:46am

Little dude is laying on my chest doing that involuntary smile thing that newborns do and I could just stare stare stare. This is how we start the day after the 5am or so feed, a few hours of snoozing all cuddled up with him on my chest.

A few years ago, or maybe it was months wtf is time, I read a piece that talked about how the second one destroys you because you know how fast the moments go so you try and soak them in as much as possible and I have never heard something more true in my life. Yeah I have to pee, yeah I want coffee, yeah I would use a shower but I don’t want to give up a single snuggle or smirky smile

7/29 3:51am

Had a dream I escaped a bear multiple times. woke up to feed then dive bombed back onto the couch to try and get as much sleep as I can before he’s up in 90 mins again.

4:32am

90 minutes was generous.

“He’s doing something called cluster feeding” his doctor told me yesterday.

Thank you maam I know this but when does it stop because I feel like a sleep deprived tortured journalist is what I wanted to say instead of just standing there and nodding my head like a bobble head figurine.

6:00am

Last morning feeding now it’s time for a contact nap or co sleeping or whatever we’ve decided to put a label on it

11:38am

I feel 5000% better when I am able to actually get outside and take a walk. It’s me, the babe, and Raney, Grandma took Stevie for the day, and I am immensely grateful with the side of guilt for that. Somewhere, there’s Avicii‘s ‘wake me up’ playing in the background and I am instantly transported to being blacked out at DJais circa 2017. Time does this thing of gutting me if I let myself dwell on it for too long, so I just keep walking and wonder if I should put on a murder podcast or continue to listen to the sounds of the suburbs.

2:00pm

Self induced nap trapped and got sucked into an IG scroll fest where my algo is feeding me Ted Lasso, meal prep, and gyms since I just filled out an interest form for a new one near us. I’ve been trying to stay off IG because it just depresses me and gives me FOMO and I don’t need that in my life rn.

7/30 4:30am

Feeding the baby at all hours isn’t annoying it’s what happens (or doesn’t) right after is what’s it feel daunting. Burp, rock, shhh, pray they stay asleep when you place their little body back into the bassinet all while knowing you’ll be doing the whole rigamaroll for the 3rd time in about an hour.

11:15am

When I see the reflection of my face in my phone screen all I see is one thing - bags bags bags and one tired bitch. I miss being tan mom soooo badly, but it’s prob good for my health to not be looking like a leather bag full of random shit.

I’ve been obsessively tracking my Nuuly box since deciding against my better judgement to unpause it even though I’m in the stage where I hate everything on my body. I know I know I’m not supposed to say that type of stuff but it’s just the chemicals and hormones and make up of my brain rn. I feel like I’m sitting in a skin suit that hasn’t been taken to the old - school tailor shops on the corner next to the bodega except they don’t have bodegas in the suburbs they have gas stations and Quick Checks.

8:55pm

Last pump because my kid doesn’t like the tit right before bed, only every hour after 1am. I have a 9pm bedtime which always turns into 9:30 which means I have 3.5 hours to get as much sleep as I can. Me and my husband sleep in shifts, he takes the early and I take after 1am. If I could give one piece of unsolicited parenting advice it’s this - sleep in shifts. It’s still exhausting but a little less exhausting and I cannot wait until my head hits the pillow tonight.

This stage of motherhood is very unrewarding and relentless, again, something I’m not supposed to say, but there’s truth behind it. The cycle is feed, burp, pray they stay asleep, wash dishes, do laundry, maybe pee, then do it all again and again and again. I’ve googled “when do babies smile” multiple times because when that happens, the sliver of acknowledgement that you are, in fact , alive, gives you just enough juice to keep going for another night of the cycle.

7/31 1:53am

First feeding down, little guy on my chest, giving myself a 2am curfew to get him back in his sleep spot. Do I think hell sleep longer than an hour? Nope. Do I have high hopes? You god damn bet I do…