Vandezine!

So read Vandezine!

ABOVE: Vandelay Radio’s Good Music Club at Next Door Records.

As always, a warning. In history, there have always been some pieces of writing that have radically altered the course of humanity. In time, Vandezine! will qualify to sit alongside these texts.

What you read in this episode of Vandezine! will not shock you, it will only make you realise what you've known all this time but chosen to reject. You will confront the bitter truth that Vandezine! is the greatest thing you have ever read in your life, second only to the religious texts. It's lewd, egregious, lascivious, salacious and outrageous.

Due to this realisation, you may feel light-headed. This, unlike the feeling of awe felt on completion, shall pass.

Long day. The 9-5 continues to drain your soul as you become increasingly weary living in this capitalist hellscape. You cherish the few hours you are granted by your corporate overlords before returning to your fixed position of hunched-over-laptop (now from home) and numbing your brain with a flurry of black and white jargon built to completely obfuscate and complicate whatever menial tasks you’re assigned to complete for the day.

Here’s how Vandelay recommends you take the edge off.

1. Accept the edge is never truly taken off, and whatever method of relaxation you’re undertaking is merely temporary.

2. Tune into Vandelay Radio. A good soundscape is imperative to a quality chill time.

3. Consume at least 2 of the following an hour previous to commencing:

   1. An illicit substance*, preferably with friends.

   2. A glass of red wine, preferably a Domaine Gramenon, Côtes-du-Rhône 'Poignee de Raisin' 2020, as recommended by Cepage.

   3. Grilled Plantains, courtesy of the Vandelay Radio Test Kitchen.

4. Begin to chill. Like properly chill. No real active thinking. By this point the menacing beats of Vandelay should have captured you. You don’t need thought. You shouldn’t even be still reading this. Relax.

5. Accept that relaxation is impossible. You cannot escape and your freedom is only an illusion. You are granted rest for a limited amount of hours only to ensure your productivity. If it was possible for you to operate 24/7 without your health being compromised, you most likely would be forced to.
   

   Freedom is not the quick pause of relief between the impending strokes, it’s grabbing the whip and turning it against the wielder.

*Vandelay Radio does not endorse, promote nor condone the consumption of any illicit substances of any kind. Any reference made within ‘Vandezine!’ is merely for purposes of amusement and should not be taken seriously.

Real updates about the happenings and goings of Vandelay Radio and the world that surrounds it.

SORRY ESARN KHEAW: Following a particularly rowdy instalment of Good Music Club at Next Door Records, a member of the Vandelay Roster was invited an afters at Esarn Kheaw, a Thai restaurant down the road, by its owner. Fun ensued, but following the festivities we realised we paid for none of beverages consumed. We’re very sorry. Chon Gaew!*

BIG THINGS COMING: Big things are coming.

WHAT IS GOING ON?: From pandemic to war, we’ve gone from counting the amount of COVID-19 cases to the amount of civilians dying daily in a war that no-one really understands. Those numbers go up significantly when you add the amount of people dying daily from conflicts worldwide. Ukraine is the only country in Europe in the top 10 countries with highest number of fatalities from war, with the remaining 9 spread across Africa and the Middle-East with a large proportion caused in some way by Western intervention.** But hey, NATO can’t sanction itself.

*Thai for Cheers, literal translation being “clash glasses”.

**It’s most likely that all conflicts were caused by the West, whether through action or inaction, but that’s far too bold a claim for even ourselves to make.

PLAY THE FORBIDDEN NOTE AND LOOK YONDER, THESE ARE THE ALMIGHTY SOUNDS!

Joy Road - The Lyman Woodard Association

Lyman Woodard and his outit, the eponymous Lyman Woodward Association throw down hard Detroit jazz, no sound better defining the decaying city of the 1960s. 10/10

Mam Pe’ela Su’ure - Florence Adooni

Fra-fra gospel music from the queen herself, Florence continues to update the template on what good high-life is meant to sound like with exactly 3 minutes and 49 seconds of the best music you’ll ever hear in your life. The music video is a must watch. 11/10

It’s Nice to Be Alive - Vegyn

Sad boi bleep-bloops from former Frank Ocean collaborator and emotion manipulator, Vegyn. Melancholic chords are met with an immerse electric soundscape and vocal cuts to remind you that you’re truly alone. 9/10

Marechià - Nu Genea

MAMMA MIA! Instantly transported to a sunny beach in an unidentifiable Mediterranean destination. Everybody is dancing. Life is good. This track is better. 10/10

Apesar dos Pouchos Anos - Tim Maia*

Tim Maia was a very happy man, and there’s no better example of his happiness than Apesar dos Pouchos Anos (Despite The Few Years). 9/10

Street Talkin’ - Slick Rick, Outkast

The last of summer wine that was 90’s hip-hop, this 1999 release from Slick Rick was the final flicker of the candle of what can only be described as the golden era of rap. 10/10

All these songs and more can be listened on our monthly playlist and even better music and be enjoyed by tuning in to the station.

*Recommended by Shadez the Misfit

The naughty bits of conversation reserved for green rooms and the afters that only proper DJs go to, secretly recorded, transcribed translated and edited for clarity by your man on the ground, Vandelay Radio.

Self proclaimed inventor of garage and Daytimers affiliate Yung Singh is considering changing his name to Mature Singh as he slowly but surely approaches his 30s. Other options include Daddy Singh and Middle-Aged Singh.

After suing Domino Records for their exploitative ways of refusing to pay 50% of all streaming income, Four Tet has signed to the super good, transparent and communist label, Universal Music, widely known for their commitment to treating artists fairly.

In an unprecedented move, David Guetta has plans to release a charity single “Peace to Kyiv/Dance To The Beat (NATO Mix)”. Widely tipped as the sound of the summer, the track contains an inspiring message of hope, with additional vocals from Pope Francis.

Forthcoming dates

IN THE FLESH: Our artist in residence, Jas Sykes is hosting a free art exhibition at Yardsale Gallery in Manchester, a bring your own booze affair with free wine for the early birds. Live art, DJs, enjoy your life.

GOOD MUSIC CLUB: We’re back at Next Door Records on Sunday 27th March. Further details to be announced.

Every month, we celebrate and showcase the one show that truly represents what Vandelay Radio is all about. Please note that all our shows are great, the show selected is just particularly special.

Adriano Rossi is perhaps the greatest thing to happen online radio.

Making his debut on Vandelay with the rowdiest introduction ever, Adriano plays a selection of music across house and disco, mostly produced by himself with a focus on fun, mixing unpretentiously. Hearing his “Thank You Adriano Rossi” jingle gets you excited but also somewhat aroused as you wonder what type of person could have so much energy and enthusiasm for making radio great again.

We asked for a few words from Adriano:

“For this show I invited a bunch of friends I’ve been studying with the last 3 years to my cosy room equipped with some decks, a smart light bulb, crate of drinks, and an auto tuned microphone. I mostly tried to get friends to tag the track IDs, which got more difficult especially with the drinks and auto tune.

I am going to make this the regular atmosphere for future shows. Except my next one which will be around my mum on Mother’s Sunday (27th, don’t forget kids!)

Catch more of Adriano Rossi here.

A column written by our artist-in-residence, Jas Sykes.

Periods of societal low (times when an entire society feels the negative effects of an event, e.g., wars, pandemics) are usually followed by a surge of socialist ideals and boom of creativity. The Roaring 20s is the most famous storm after the storm (post 1920’s Influenzas pandemic). There was also the rise of socialism after WW2 in which the NHS was founded. And this time is no different. Natures intent appears to be going strong as the boom of creativity is definitely happening, the socialism side not so much but we must remain hopeful.

Moreover, creative collectives are popping up everywhere, new galleries opening, loads of it run by us young people. Very bloody exciting. 

Specifically, the Manchester art scene is facing a sort of rebirth as people think how annoying it is that all the creative opportunities are in London and then in a lightbulb moment realise they can do it themselves.

This is not a joke story.

Clement Greenberg (a famous & influential 20th-century art critic), was with his mates at a pub in New York when in walks Jackson Pollock (the guy who did those huge dribbly canvases). He’s probably most recognised in a series of photos where he embodies with almost impressive perfection, the notion of the lone artist in their studio being emotive and mysterious. Pollock was an alcoholic and not very nice to his, also painter wife, Lee Krasner. 

Greenberg, upon seeing Pollock stumble in, turned to his art critic friends, dollar in hand, and said: “I bet you I can make that guy into a genius.”

Keen on winning his dollar back, Greenberg used the insatiable influence he had on the art world to manufacture Pollock’s fame. It is said he took one look at a painting of Pollock’s and “realised” (loudly) that he was “the greatest painter this country ever produced”. The the first ever mention of Pollock in print was by Greenberg in a 1943 review for The Nation bigging up his work, and from there Pollock was considered genius. 

And there’s the punchline. (Ok it is a bit of a joke but not in the way you were thinking.)

For all you who don’t get it, here’s why it’s funny.

The Abstract Expressionists, (of which Pollock was one, alongside Mark Rothko, Willem de Kooning and some other white men) are said to be the heroes of pure expression, conquering the tyrant FORM. They are distinguished from Abstract artists by their pure emotive expression. My opinion on this is well summed up by Jasper John’s Painting with Two Balls (1960). Pollock apparently needed to express the rage within himself, so for some reason he looked to folk traditions and used that for some inspiration, none of which is apparent in his famous works. His drip paintings however (the famous ones) were the favourite of Clement Greenberg, who, when the movement went in an unfavourable direction, jumped the Abstract-Expressionist-ship to the Washington Colour Field painters. His guidance of the Abstract Expressionist movement had such an impression that some artists actively sought the disapproval of the art critic. 

But Pollock’s success wasn’t all down to an art critic having a bit of a knob off with his mates. Funnily enough there is a wider picture. During this period, the 50s and 60s, The USA and Russia were in a big-dick-competition (shock) over nuclear bombs and all that jazz. Russia were slagging off the States by reporting that they were a cultural graveyard with nothing of value going on there. America responded with no we have a new type of art, its modern and you’ve never seen anything like it, it’s called Abstract Expressionism. The States used the artists, through the art critics to push their agenda and keep up the idea that they were culturally rich and modern and deserved to be the king of the world. 

As a result, the States kept up appearances, Pollock had some limelight and we had roughly a decade of ball painting.

Jas Sykes is an incredibly talented artist. Pay more attention here.

The banana’s more mature cousin shine in this play on a classic dessert, courtesy of the Vandelay Radio Test Kitchen. Serve with love.

Ingredients:

Grilled Plantains:

• 3 plantains (obviously)

• 20 grams of butter, melted

• 2 tablespoons of brown sugar

• 1 teaspoon of cinnamon

• Pinch of salt

Vanilla Cream:

• 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped (Do not use extract!)

• 2 cups of double cream

Accoutrements:

• As much chocolate as you like, but ensure it’s dark

• A handful of roasted nuts of your preference (we like peanuts), chopped

Grilled Plantains

1. Peel and cut your plantains down the middle lengthways. Careful with the knife on this.

2. Mix your butter, salt brown sugar and cinnamon together and toss prepared plantains in, ensuring maximum coverage.

3. Turn your grill to medium (any higher and you will burn your brown sugar) and grill plantains for about 10-15 minutes, till brown and tender and crispy and the brown sugar has caramelised, almost candying the plantains. Wipe your mouth.

4. Keep warm in oven, under foil.

Vanilla Cream

1. Heat cream and vanilla bean, with scrapings, in a saucepan over very low heat until cream is just bubbling. Very very low heat here is essential.

2. Remove pan from heat and steep for about 20 minutes. Remove bean before serving.

Bring it together

1. Gently place and stack plantains on warm plate, ensuring they maintain structural integrity for presentation.

2. Drizzle your vanilla cream all over your sweet warm grilled plantains, while observers look in awe as you quite literally build heaven on earth.

3. Grate dark chocolate generously onto dish, sprinkle chopped peanuts. Soak in the applause, then enjoy.

The Vandelay Radio Test Kitchen is always on the look for talented cooks, chefs and dishwashers. Get in touch.

Did you enjoy Vandezine! to the point that you would like to contribute? We’re always looking for like-minded individuals to join our roster, get in touch.