My Relationship With My Disabled Body

Recently, I wrote an essay for a magazine about my relationship with my body and how there are things about it that I love and others that I despise.

Being physically disabled comes with many obstacles and many compromises. Sure, some of those obstacles could disappear if society works harder to make things accessible, but even if we lived in a utopian reality where every little thing is made accessible, I’d still be disabled.

It’s not always a matter of a ramp or elevator. I’d still have a hard time dressing and undressing, putting on socks, cutting my toenails or sitting on the floor. Those things depend on me and my limitations.

I’d still have pain and struggle with many daily activities that do not depend on external factors, but only on my illness.

Accepting and coming to terms with this fact has been helpful and empowering, but at the same time it’s also a cause of grief, annoyance, frustration, sadness… I know that these two statements might appear opposite, but I’m a fierce believer that opposite [things] can coexist when it comes to humans because we are complex and complicated, especially when it’s about emotions and feelings.

There are things about my body that I’m not fine with and I know I will never be. Limitations that make many daily things hard for me and it makes me a bit resentful and bitter.

I’m glad that we are living in an era where there’s talk about body positive, about learning to appreciate your body in whatever form or shape it is, about being fine with your differences, scars and whatnot. And I think we need more of this and to honestly and sincerely stop judging people for the way they look and appear as we do not know anybody’s story (but even if we do).

But at the same time I also believe that it’s not a sentiment that can be forced. There are things that, no matter how much you try, how much you’ve worked on yourself and have overcome, will always give you a hard time, will always make you gag or pout in front of the mirror, will always be a source of trouble.

I can’t speak for everybody, but it’s true for me and I’m sure some of you reading this will agree.

And it is not merely about physical tasks that I can’t do, it’s also the way I look sometimes, the way my right leg is crooked on the outside, the way I walk, with or without my cane…

There is a certain kind of trend that exacerbates the toxic positivity about body image: never see yourself in a bad way, never talk bad about yourself, never hate yourself. And if you do, get rid of those thoughts, work on yourself, be kind and gentle to your soul and body.

But I am done working on myself and healing my inner child and learning to love every bit and piece of me. There’s no more I can do. Not even in terms of appreciating and loving my disability. This isn’t me judging anyone who can do the latter and is always positive about their disabilities or their struggles, I think they are very genuine and I’m happy they reached that point, but it’s just not me.

I’m not saying all of this in a self-pitying way, far from it. I’m just stating a fact, I’m just saying that it’s fine to not be fine with certain things about ourselves and our lives and that doesn’t have to mean that we are broken or that we need to fix it.

I’m okay. I love my life, I like my body, I’m appreciating how far I’ve come and how far I still want to go. I’ve reached a certain kind of maturity and self-awareness that I think is pretty rare even at my age and that’s because I learnt to be okay with not liking every part of myself, of my life, of my limitations.

I don’t enjoy being in pain all the time and I don’t think that’s teaching me anything deep or important. I don’t like the fact that I can’t cut my toenails and need someone else to do it for me or pay someone. I don’t like not being able to run because I’d enjoy going on a good jog in the morning.

But that’s the way it is for now and maybe this sentiment will change one day. Maybe it won’t. My focus isn’t on loving at all costs the things I can’t control or obsessing over changing them.

Let me know how you feel about yourself.