You're Not the Only One Struggling to Find People to "Do Life" Together

“I don’t know what “doing life together” means, but I do know that I’ve never paid for movers.”

When I first read that text overlay on an Instagram post a couple of weeks ago, I couldn’t help but think about my own church experiences. I wanted to reply with these three words:

Must be nice.

I didn’t. I won’t. Instead, I posted a note on Substack about how I feel especially tender toward those who are desperate for community, doing all the things to try to cultivate it, and still feel like they are on the outside.

The conversation spilled over into the comments. People shared heartbreaking accounts of feeling alone and unwanted in communities that should be the ultimate illustration of “doing life together.”

One of the most true things I can tell you is that the times I’ve felt the most out of place, lonely, and unchosen have been in church.

(image credit: Image by Bob Dmyt from Pixabay )

When I was fresh out of college, I quickly learned that church was built around married couples and children. The church I attended didn’t have many people in my demographic. In most cases, people like me, who hoped to find a place where they could find a consistent community to do life with, would have to go to a much bigger church farther away.

I figured that once I became a part of the highly valued “young married family” demographic, I would find belonging. But during a time when I was a new member of this demographic, I attended a church planning meeting with Nathan and heard the pastor say, after surveying the group of people who had shown up, “Why aren’t there any young families here?” I was stunned. We were invisible. Somehow, I still wasn’t the right demographic. In 2006, in Waconia, MN, being 30 years old with a toddler still didn’t give me entrance into the group our pastor most wished would be showing up at church. Was 30 not “young”?

There were a handful of people that our church tried to make into a small group, but it turns out that when you try to gather “young” (?) families with small children, someone has to watch the children. We tried to make it work, but among the 4 families, we didn’t have anyone to watch our kids, and we never really connected. I would spend the time we were supposed to be doing life together watching over a bunch of toddlers. One of the women in the group told me she didn’t really have room in her life for any other friends.

I had hoped she would be a friend.

In the late summer of 2009, during a time when I felt especially lonely, we started attending a new church. I eagerly signed up to attend the mom’s group meeting that was just getting started. I was the only one who signed up. The group leader suggested that I come anyway, in case someone else decided to come.

No one else came.

Loneliness was one reason I looked forward to Nathan starting a new job in Tennessee. We settled into a church, I joined Bible studies and made friends, and for the first time, we were in a small group that met regularly.

That small group lasted for about a year and then dissolved for a variety of reasons.1

Several years ago, we were assigned to a small group at our new church. Because this was a recent church plant, most of the folks in this church fit one of two demographics: 1)Families with children who were no older than elementary school, and 2)Grandparents of those children. So, naturally (?), Nathan and I were assigned to the Grandparent group.

We tried to make it work, but it was not a good fit. It wasn’t just the age gap that was the problem.

One week, while we were sitting around our host’s dining room table, one man declared, “Poor Dave Ramsey. Did you hear that some people went to work for him and then went to the press to say terrible things about him?”

Nathan was so upset, he wasn’t able to speak. I turned to the other people at the table, wondering if anyone else would say anything. People were sitting with us who knew our story.2 No one said anything. I tentatively offered a response about how we were the people he had described as villains in this story.

It was half an hour after we left before Nathan could utter a single word. We left that group not long after this experience.

I want to wrap this up with a pretty bow, but I still feel the tears threatening to fall as I write this.

I’ve had wonderful experiences of community with groups associated with my church.

I’ve had terrible experiences trying to find community at a church.

I write this because I want you to know you’re not alone. If you long for a life where people are always available to move your furniture, provide meals when you’re sick, are willing to have deep conversations, and are committed to regularly getting together and developing friendships, you aren’t alone.

If you’re doing all the right things and you’re still lonely, you’re not the only one.

Here’s what I’ve observed as the overlooked variables not mentioned in the books and Instagram posts that say if you do these certain steps, you’ll find community:

1. Descriptive does not equal prescriptive. Some authors write a book based on the assumption that their personal experience is prescriptive and applies broadly.3

2. Local demographics. People who always have a group of friends available to help them move often live in a place full of people with the time and physical ability to move furniture. That’s not the case with every community.

   The places where I’ve found it easiest to make friends are places that are full of new folks constantly moving to the area.

3. Childcare need. For a group to work when you have small children, you need the availability of a babysitter and the money to pay for one. This is no small hurdle to overcome.

4. Personal charisma. Being popular makes it easier to find community.

5. Having physical and health limitations. The recent pandemic made it clear that this is a huge issue.

6. Work schedule.

Those are just a few variables I can come up with off the top of my head. I’m sure you could add more.

I want to share one more variable that someone mentioned in a reply to my Substack note. Here’s what he said:

The “get off your couch and make friends” posts mistake reception for technique. The people writing them showed up to rooms that received them, then taught the showing-up as if it were the variable. But showing up was never your missing piece. You did that. You started the life groups. You hosted the tables. You stayed in the small town. The variable was whether the room had a seat for you, and that part was never in your hands.

I don’t have a neat answer, but if you’re feeling lonely, I see you.