All of us, collectively, hate feeling bad, whether it is guilt, shame, rejection, unworthiness, or betrayal. So, of course, we have a tendency to avoid it at all costs. These emotions also bring up other secondary emotions like anger in us, and when that anger comes out in the way that we don’t intend, it makes us feel even worse.
So, what do we do? Anything and everything, really. Some ways of relating to these emotions are healthy. But a lot of times, even without wanting to, we develop behaviours that might not be so healthy:
Avoiding talking to the person we had a recent conflict with instead of resolving it.
Going to a party as a distraction.
Sleeping way too much to not think about the feeling. You cannot feel when you sleep, right?
Watching Netflix endlessly or doomscrolling. Allowing any voice to be in your head so that your own is not audible.
Not investing in a relationship because it would be painful if they left.
In severe cases, it can also lead to addiction. Since we cannot selectively numb feelings, when we try to numb the bad ones, we basically stop feeling good as well. And, because we don’t feel good, we try to numb it again, and the cycle continues.
And, I want to ask: Is it really working? Does avoiding something in the current moment actually help us keep the feeling at bay? Or does it turn up the moment we are not occupied with something else? When we are free of all distractions.
I don’t know about you, but I have always had to face my feelings eventually. It took its own, sweet time, but it happened. I used to be the kid who never cried, not at all. I would watch a movie that would bring anyone to tears, and I would be there not crying. There were times when even the people who were very close to me said that I operated like a robot. That my feelings were not very apparent.
I think what was really happening was a combination of things. I did not have a good understanding of the complexity in those movies. The meaning of death, love, fear, ambition, dreams and everything else that makes life worth living was not understood by me as a child. And, secondly, I had seen how people who cried easily were treated around me, and I had adopted it.
In 10th grade, though, it changed completely. I was in a hostel, recently turned 14, and all of us students were watching ‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.’ None of the people I was watching it with had ever seen me cry. There had been a lot of incidents that should have made me but I didn’t. As we were watching the movie and the ending became clear, it was like some fountain inside me had opened up, and I went to my room and cried. So much.
Since then, I cry at anything that is close to emotional. It took me even more years to be able to acknowledge it, and more so to cry about things that happened in my own life and not just in the world of fiction.
The thing is, I don’t think that all the tears that came afterwards were just for those moments. I think it was for all the moments I had not felt my feelings completely. It may have taken years, but the emotions came around to meet me. I had to look them in the eyes and shake their hand. The only thing to say to them was, ‘Sorry, it took me so long to get to know you.’
Avoiding the bad diminishes the good.
If you avoid talking to someone you had a conflict with, you are essentially giving the conflict more power than the relationship. And it might be that you do not want that relationship in your life anymore. Letting it go by avoiding conflict, though, delays the process of actually letting it go. And, if you want the relationship, avoiding a conversation reduces the chance of things working out for the better.
A party, sleeping, Netflix, or scrolling will distract you for a while, but it also shuts you down. The voice that makes you ‘YOU’ stops existing.
Not chasing your dreams because you don’t want the pain of failure guarantees only one thing: YOU NEVER LIVE YOUR DREAM. Same for relationships, avoiding investing in them only confirms that you won’t be able to be in one.
And I don’t think I need to explain how addiction diminishes your life experiences.
The feelings you are avoiding aren’t trying to ruin your life. Sometimes, some things, feel uncomfortable because they matter. And because they matter, we are scared to put them at risk. Even if completely avoiding it usually ends in the thing that we were so scared of. The relationship fades away, the dreams continue to stay in our heads, the distraction becomes your life, and slowly, without even realising, your life changes completely.
If you are avoiding your feelings and want to stop doing that, this is how Unpack With Mehak can help, as per which stage you are at:
If you’re thinking: “I don’t necessarily want to talk to someone yet. I just want to understand what’s happening.”
The Loop Mapper helps you map the patterns, beliefs, and emotional loops you’re stuck in so you can see your situation more clearly.
If you’re thinking: “I want to get a better understanding of my situation and I’d rather take my time and receive thoughtful written guidance.”
Loop Breaker or an Email Deep Dive gives you detailed written feedback you can revisit whenever you need it.
If you’re thinking: “I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and I want someone to help me work through it step by step.”
A 1:1 session is for exploring your situation in depth and helping you move forward with personalized guidance
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