Not Everyone Deserves to Be a Parent.

Society asks, "When are you getting married?" Then, "When are you having kids?" Almost no one asks, "Should you?" That's the question we should be asking first.

Why do you want children? Can you afford to have them? Will you make a good parent, and are you willing to become a better one every single day? Are you truly ready to be responsible for another human being?

Children are gifts from God, but are you a gift to them?

Some of you are just being selfish. Somewhere along the line, many of you convinced yourselves that childbearing is the next milestone, the very purpose of marriage. You've taken the "be fruitful and multiply" part of the Bible very personally when it comes to having children, but have you ever considered that fruitfulness could also mean growth, impact, wisdom, or breakthrough in other areas of life?

Abeggg... shift.

Do you love kids, or do you just hate your own company so much that you don't want to die alone? Do you love kids, or do you simply want your DNA replicated? Do you even have the money to love kids properly? Do you love kids, or do you just want to pass your daddy issues and insecurities on to them?

I once read a book that described having children as a privilege many middle-class income earners assume they're entitled to. I laughed when I read it, but the older I get, the more I understand it.

You're not. You must not have kids. Yes, I said it.

Before you dismiss that as cruel or elitist, hear me out.When you choose to have a child, you're choosing to become responsible for another human being's life. Your actions and inactions, long before they are born, can shape or shatter their future. Your limitations may place that child at a disadvantage from the very beginning, yet you'll still expect gratitude, success, or anything other than disappointment from a child you've already failed before they even had a chance.

I'm not angry. In fact, far from it. If anything, I'm concerned.

I just think intending parents should be screened, not just medically, but emotionally and psychologically, before bringing children into the world. Maybe then we'd identify these patterns of selfishness, unresolved trauma, and emotional unpreparedness early enough to reduce the number of scarred humans walking around carrying dreams that were never theirs, trying to heal from wounds they never inflicted on themselves.

An incident happened at my workplace a few days ago. A child died. He was in the penultimate year of college. The news was broken to his younger brother immediately after he finished writing one of his BECE papers. Thirteen years old. Imagine that. The little boy was devastated. My heart broke for him. It really did, until I found out why his brother had died.

The sadness quickly turned into anger. The type that sits in your chest and makes your blood boil because... WTF?

The boy had sickle cell disease. He was the child of two AS carriers who knew their genotype before having children. As I asked more questions, I discovered that the thirteen-year-old had also lost a sister earlier on. This wasn't the family's first burial.

The love these parents shared created children out of their own selfishness. It brought children into the world to suffer, to die, and, worst of all, left one behind carrying the memories of siblings who were called "warriors" simply because they endured pain they should never have had to endure.

Their love killed their children.

My heart aches for the little boy who is left behind. Yesterday, he asked me why God gives people these kinds of challenges. How do I explain to a thirteen-year-old that God didn't choose his genotype? That this wasn't some divine punishment or mysterious test? How do I tell him that two people made a decision knowing the risk, believing burying their children was easier to live with than walking away from each other?

If your love is so deep that you cannot let go, then don't have children. There is no rule that says you must. Love each other. Build a life together. But don't knowingly bring children into the world to bear the consequences of a decision they never got to make.

The thing about selfishness is that children are always the ones who pay for it. They pay for parents who never healed, parents who never planned, parents who never asked themselves why. They inherit the consequences of decisions they had no say in, from poverty and emotional neglect to preventable illnesses and impossible expectations. Sometimes they survive it. Sometimes they spend a lifetime trying to recover from it. And sometimes, they don't survive it at all.

Personally, I don't want to have children, not because I'm a "woke feminist." I simply don't believe I'm capable of being responsible for another human being right now. I barely hold myself together, and I know I'd make a terrible parent. Until I put in the work, grow into someone who can carry that responsibility, and actually see the results, I'll stick with that decision. I love my children too much to birth them.

So please, don't bring children into this world just to suffer. Children are adorable, but they're also expensive. They require effort, patience, love, stability, and common sense. None of those are optional.

Before you decide to have children, ask yourself why. Ask yourself whether you have the capacity not just the desire to raise them well. Don't become another parent whose selfishness leaves a child spending adulthood healing from a childhood they didn't choose.

With all my love,

IT 🧜🏾‍♀️.