123 - change away

watching the ripple is a throat lumping experience. i wanted to use the space today to tell you about alchemy 101, but i’m feeling too many things, and it’s only a half moon. my husband and his group of lost boys are on the way with food so i may have to tell you about it all later (if my prefrontal cortex has any battery left but why i am i afraid of imagining my brain drying out which is why i didn’t say juice instead of battery? one of my biggest fears is losing my memorymind, like my grandpa. i haven’t taken the test. i’m counting on my writing and my duolingo to save me. maybe that’s the real reason i’m doing this, so i don’t lose my mind, or so that if i do i’ll find remnants of it). maybe the dragon is coming early, maybe there’s just a lot going on, more than i’m aware of.

i haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. i’m running on coffee and cigarettes and kisses of nunu. we’re back on the secret mountain, after three long slow days in arabesh with my dad and brothers and aunts. it’s funny how the closer you are to the sea, the faster time moves. in the mountain there is no time. the sea is always moving but the mountain is still. the mountain is moving with infinite slowness. in the mountain we live on stolen time. this is how our ancestors stole time from the sea, by retreating to the mountain whenever it came to devour them.

i like to roll my own spliffs but i don’t like crumbling the clay, because it ruins my nails and i love my nails. there are things that one is compelled to take personally that are not about one. it is not about one there is no one and no other but the other it is about but it’s an art learning not to take it personally. one of the lost boys crumbles the clay for me while i prepare the leaf, by the time i’m done the crumbles are ready to sprinkle. i like to roll my own spliffs because i roll perfect spliffs with the perfect proportions and leaf to clay ratio, they used to call me the rolling queen. spent my money on an oversized hoodie and it’s not even big enough to live in, that’s what the crumbling boy’s shirt says on its back.

we want to change things so bad but we forget to look at how things are already changing. if we see how the world already changes we can move with it and allow it help it change it forward. but we are not willing to be the world, to bind with the world, to become the ball, to truly know to live the rhythm for example racism. the lost boy next to me tells me how his girlfriend’s family are zionists, and how frustrating it is for both of them. i think about how most of the people around me are zionists in their own way, not because they support israel but because they also think they’re the chosen people, and their faith is the correct faith because their way of life is unlike anyone else’s way of life, it’s better. i imagine we all know people like that and i imagine it’s frustrating for most of us. then i think that maybe zionism is a kind of conservatism that morphs into delusions of tribal supremacy and it happens everywhere under many names oftentimes without a name. then he says yeah even my parents are like that and i say mine too they lived through the war we understand but how do we change it he says we need to change it already! then i realize we are changing it by being different than our parents, we are the change away from them and our children are the change away from us so time is on our side but the question is what will we believe, what will we do, and how will we raise our children? the boys are laughing about poop in the background.

they’re gone now, and i’m googling which company mass produces brown paper bags because when i was a kid i would see people in movies carrying their groceries in big brown paper bags or their lunch in little ones but we never used brown paper bags, in canada or lebanon, so they were very exotic to me, like red plastic cups and country music.

until tomorrow <3