on foreboding

I don’t think I have to explain why death is front of mind lately. I keep hearing about the Black people who “hanged themselves from trees” knowing full well that we don’t do that. Not to ourselves. Not in america. My fixation on true crime doesn’t help either.

I wasn’t scared of traveling alone until recently. Growing up, I was so invisible and undesirable I assumed the threat of physical and sexual violence didn’t apply to me. Since then, it’s dawned on me that it’s less that I could never be targeted and more that if I am targeted people will be less likely to care. I like to believe that the ancestors are walking with me, that I am protected. I just falter when I think of the people who end up dead. Where was their protection? I know the chaotic universe is far from benevolent, and life has no guarantees.

I had a camping trip with friends earlier this week. I joined some lovely friends on a camping trip there to see stars, and I did. They were blurry tho, since I forgot my glasses. I needed to travel back of my own on public transportation from an area I’ve never been to before, and the thought kept surfacing that if I disappeared on the way back, it would be my own fault. Like it’s silly of me to think that I can travel alone and be safe, never mind how many times I’ve done it before. I survived my bus trip back to Seattle from the Olympic Peninsula. But yes, I spent 7 hours traveling by bus so I could go to Corinne Bailey Rae’s Like a Star 20^th anniversary concert.

It was beautiful and long and I’m so glad I decided to make the pilgrimage. It made me think about what it means to be an artist. I even felt compelled for the first time (strongly anyway) to stay behind and try to meet her. It ended up being a group of 4 that stayed til around midnight. We met her backup singer Kola Rai, her mom Linda, and her husband Steve. But not Corinne Bailey Rae. Her tour manager basically shut us down. It makes sense that she didn’t come out to greet us after singing for 2.5 hours. It does. I also wish we got to meet her, nevermind that I have no idea what I would say.

The point is I survived my trip. And I think I met who I was meant to meet. There’s something so holy about music and human connection. I do want to share my art and my music. I’m still scared. Not of the energy exchange or whether an audience will like my music. It’s that my intellectual property will be stolen because I don’t know anything about copyrights. Maybe that’s just my anxiety. In the meantime, I’ll keep practicing.

…infinite love + peace…

Tulani Kiara

Waiting to Exhale by Terry McMillan- Only 44 pages into this classic, but I love it so far. I’ve seen the movie and listen to the soundtrack semi-regularly (pls go listen if you like Whitney Houston and Brandy) so it’s interesting to see how everyone’s voice translates from text to screen. I’ve been feeling so much warmth in my heart that I’ve yet to channel, and I hope reading about love will help.

“Another Rainy Day” by Corinne Bailey Rae- I was ecstatic when Corinne Bailey Rae played this at her concert!! It’s a sweet b-side love song from her first album. I think it’s easy for me to love any song with rain in the title. Wish it was on the main CD tho.