on endings

i was hanging on by a thread for awhile. i thought i was coping well enough, but my band broke up. and i found out abt teenage Cyrus Carmack-Belton getting killed by a store owner in 2023 the same way as Latasha Harlins in 1991, because his killer went free like hers (Black kids’ lives are worth less than allegedly stolen beverages in america). and Juniper Blessing, a teenage trans UW student got murdered in May in a city where LGBTQ+ people come for sanctuary. and mississippi police killed one year old Kohen Wiley in June over allegedly stolen diapers. and ICE has killed two people this month: Joan Sebastian Durán in maine and Lorenzo Salgado Araujo in texas. and now Nolan Wells is dead in mississippi under mysterious circumstances. these deaths are significant not because they are irregular, but because they are so ordinary. i hope all of them have some peace and joy in the afterlife.

In May, i found out israel implemented a law permitting expedited executions of Palestinians. Only Palestinians. witnessing a genocidal apartheid state use US funding in a concerted attempt to colonize rings dissonant, maybe because it makes so much sense. everything america was founded on-the racism and cruelty and greed and hypocrisy-is just out in the open in a maddening way. and we’re all (mostly) quietly funding violence against humanity bc we’re good citizens who work too much to stay afloat and (maybe) have health insurance and pay our taxes. which the current administration is (allegedy) totally using to line their own pockets too. i feel insane.

since adolescence, i’ve been a hair’s breadth from active suicidality. perhaps it was my need for love in active opposition to my instincts to stay an outsider. i was high achiever in academics (and art) purely for the warm glow recognition. and in school, no one gives a fuck if you fantasize about slitting your throat to get through the day if you hand in near perfect assignments. and when you slip, finally, out of perfection and into burnout, it suddenly doesn’t matter what you achieved before. you get left behind. the point is, the admiration, the approval that disappears as soon you make a misstep-that’s not love. it’s not going to last and it’s definitely not going to keep me tethered to earth.

can you tell i got laid off? my time as an elementary library technician came to an end. i’m oddly at peace, even as i’m panicking. because i’m burning out again, like i did in college. because i’ve been accommodating and done work that wreaks havoc on my nervous system and i’m getting thrown away and it’s not even abt me. it makes me aware of the plight of working in a society with virtually no safety net, the futility of holding one’s tongue and conforming. maybe it’s just my saturn return talking, but i’m not begging to be cared about anymore. or ruminating. or hoping for explanations. it’s exhausting and fruitless. i’m just going to express myself. i‘m an artist, after all.

i was numbing up my bleeding heart with nonstop media consumption and i’m sick of it. i am so distinctly aware of the rift between how i act and who i want to be and it’s so heavy. bc if u care and do nothing with it, functionally it’s the same as not caring. i want to apologize for everything. i want to change. i want to make something.1

and it starts with writing this. so if u read this all, thank u and i love u. i mean it.

….infinite peace + luv…

Tulani Kiara

it’s v long bc this has been months in the making…wild that’s it’s been over a year since my last newsletter

all i did was dream of you by beabadoobee and the Marias---a song i must learn how to play on guitar. there’s this tension btw wanting to give your heart away and pretending you don’t care if you’re abandoned. so ofc i love it.

the summer hikaru died(2025)--- this anime series IS SO GAY that Yoshiki’s bff who is also his crush, Hikaru, gets body-snatched by a mountain god who kinda wants to consume Yoshiki and other humans and doesn’t understand the concept of not hurting people, and Yoshiki stays by his side anyway because well, you know.

long vacation (1996)---a Japanese drama abt love and music and loving thru music. Sena and Minami start to live together after Sena’s roommate leaves her at the altar. They become friends and see each other thru romances with other people until one fateful night.

dinner in america(2020)---curse this movie for making me love something where a racist white man says the n word in the first 5 minutes. this is a romance for us weirdos n punks and Emily Skeggs from Fun Home is so endearing as Patty. need to find me a music boyfriend (gender neutral).

The Language You Cry In (1998)---a Georgian Gullah woman whose family preserved a funeral song for generations returns to the Sierra Leonian village the song originated from. a rare case of African Americans reconnecting to family in the motherland. i’m envious they get to know the specifics, but i know the Ancestors are still here and we’re all still connected. i want to learn everything i can about my family in the Caribbean, and america and Africa.

soulmate as a verb by Kelsey L. Smoot---Black, transmasc poetry that came to me via the Seattle Public Library at the perfect time. i’m grateful Kelsey wrote these poems and that i get to read them now. because love is the truth, and artists tell the truth. and i want to die(perhaps figuratively) because i want to live in a truly free world. i want to become myself.

“how we forget” by Loyce Gayo---Loyce shares a powerful meditation on American history and living and trying to find joy while keeping the realities of history close to your heart. i hope you feel grief and rage and love. i hope you remember and use your grief and rage and love to fight.