Reading · Mom v. Law School

I’ve hesitated publishing this for a while. It’s just been sitting on my laptop, waiting, maybe for courage that I just did not have yet. Not sure I fully even have the courage now, but this topic keeps nagging at me. Like it won’t let my mind go, if that makes sense. Then I reminded myself that this is why I chose Substack and told no one about it. A place where I could write freely into the vast void. Maybe someone reads it or maybe they don’t. And if all goes well, someone out there knows they are not alone.

While my Substack is about being a single mom, managing a full-time job, kids and the start of law school, at the core of it all is me, being a single mom and grabbing life by the horns. But you see as much as I am a single mom, I am still a woman, single, trying to navigate this life…these kids…this household ALONE.

And to be honest its hard. Not every day, but many days yes, it’s hard. And I hate it, not every day, but some days yes, I hate it. The loneliness, the struggle, the pressure and the balancing act of single motherhood.

Sometimes I have to admit, I get envious of other moms. Moms with partners and a spouse to help them manage the load of adulthood, parenting and life in general.

Sometimes, I yearned for a responsible partnership so much that it physically hurts. No one knew, because like many people say about me “I always seemed to have it together”. But to be honest, what other option was there? Bills must be paid and children have to be fed. So, figuring it out turned into a life of necessity and survival. Regardless, doesn’t mean that the heaviness of it all doesn’t get to me… sit with me… wake up with me.

You see I have been a mom since 19, and while the relationship with their father, my ex-husband, did not go as planned, I knew life didn’t end and I still needed to wake up daily and grab life by the horns. Along the way, I learned that being a single mom also meant being head of household.

Now to me, being head of household, based off of my learned experience, meant being the person that is in charge of keeping the house running and making the decisions. For me, being responsible for the life of 5 people and every decision that concerns them is heavy. There is a real weight connected to it. A weight you can feel in your shoulders and neck when you lay down at night.

Working, caring, cooking, shopping, driving, cleaning… you name it and one person does it. In my opinion, the responsibility of a parent was never designed to be fulfilled alone. Managing a home and raising children requires two, needs two people. Doing it alone not only leaves you tired, but mentally and emotionally drained. Splitting the mental load between paying the bills on time, evaluating when, if and how your income needs to grow over time, savings, game attendance and first breakups.

Or when your income no longer supports the growth of the family and having to be the one to figure out what needs to be done to continue to maintain, or heck survive. Making the choice when raising the family, understanding there is a sacrifice attached to the decision but the lack of one presents a risk that you won’t survive.

For one person to try and do it all, well things will get missed or rushed or rescheduled.

Having the ability, the luxury to share those responsibilities with another gives you space and peace to be available. Available mentally and emotionally to yourself, your home and your children. It gives you space to be feminine and soft, should you choose that.

“Oh but you are divorced so your kids spend time with their dad and you get some downtime.”

Doesn’t change the dynamics of your household, you are still the only adult, the head, the leader, the provider. Even when they aren’t there, the clock doesn’t stop. Even in that down time, I am still cooking, cleaning, prepping and occasionally resting or trying to define a life for me.

And if I am being fully honest, when I got divorced I learned quickly that I needed to disconnect my feelings and face the facts of reality. For instance, holidays. When divorced you share, split or alternate them. No longer did I have the luxury to tie special moments only to certain dates like Christmas or Birthdays or New Years. I had to learn to turn off that side of me or I would cry, literally all the time. As a result, over the years it’s as though the maternal femininity connected to it also died.

Being head of household and navigating parenting single, or in my case divorced, has made me hard, focused, cold, strict and unfortunately emotionally turned off more times than I care to admit. Try being soft, caring and sensitive when you are managing bills, working 40 hours a week, appliances going out and your car not starting that morning.

Yes, I want a hug from my kids but I equally just want some space. Now granted, every single mom may not respond to managing this role like I have. But sometimes it seems like the only way to get to the next day. To keep the train moving and all parts of the train at least on board.

So, when I say I am envious of other moms, I envy the luxury some moms have of sharing the load. Having someone to bounce thoughts off of, discuss decisions, handle the car and appliance maintenance, not having all the weight of success or failure land solely on your shoulders.

Having someone to focus on the 20 ft view for the family, while the other is more intimate with the needs of the home and its occupants. Someone to split the morning and afternoon routine with. A run to the grocery store while you cook because you forgot an ingredient. Handing over the crying baby while you get the toddler twins situated. Having the mental time and space to be creative and nurturing instead of hard and ridged or tactical.

Instead, I’ve been learning how to be both stern and soft. Gentle and tactical. To get through the responsibilities and day to day logistics on one income that is traded for my time and labor but still being able to come home and be emotionally present to hear about their day, the good and bad and how their math teacher is annoying. And sometimes as a result, those soft, nurturing and gentle qualities are in short supply. I want to be that for them, but I am tired and drained and still need to wash a few loads while cooking tonight.

Now having been married and dated before, I recognize that not all partners embody the definition of a partner for you or your unique circumstance or needs. I also respect the thought that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

But you see, what I am referring to is the true, respected, appreciated, voluntary type of partnership founded in love, respect and honor. I get no relationship is perfect, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t daydream about sharing the mental load with someone. Having a track and field 4x4 partner to hand over the baton to daily.

Now please don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a newsletter of complaints but instead of the transparent realities that I face and most of the times hide from the world (well at least until this gets published). No one really plans to be a single mom. It wasn’t something I set out for, and truth be told, tried for MANY years to prevent it from being my reality. But regardless of my efforts, it is, at least for now.

What about building systems that work while you sleep? Free up some time!

Recently the soft life has been a hot topic these days in the dating world. As a woman, being able to be soft starts in the mind, yes, but it is 100% connected to your environment. Being in a relationship that allows you to not have to think about certain things or handle and manage certain things, allows for the soft life. Allows for you to turn that part of your brain off and turn other parts on.

Now there is a school of thought where you build the soft life for yourself. Valid and possible. But you see, there is a trade-off there. You may decide to build systems, businesses or processes that eventually will work while you sleep and thus give you the chance to experience a soft life as a single person. But the building takes time along with trial and error, and time is a precious commodity you can’t get back. I know from experience!

Here’s the thing, I don’t have it all figured out and daily I am up trying, navigating and giving it my best. But there are days when the reality of it all, the tough heavy busyness of it all gets to you. Some days, eats at you.

You look up and ask yourself “How did I end up here?”.

Yes, my life is full of accomplishments I would never take for granted. But I am also human and sometimes simply lonely.

I am honored that I get this chance at 42 to fulfill my childhood dream of going to law school. I recognize balancing school, home and kids looks different for me than it will for others. My walk with Christ keeps me focused and where I pull my joy from on those low days. I also rely heavily on systems within my home to help lessen the load when possible. And for the most part, it works. It’s helped me to maintain a semblance of order in my life and home. But all in all, the reality of it all still remains. And there are times when it’s more overwhelming than not.

I am not really sure why this topic has been chasing me for months. Why, no matter how many times I tried to ignore it or lately say “fine I will write it but never publish it”, it still lingered within me. Maybe there is another single mom out there having these same thoughts and wondering if they are alone or if there is something wrong with them for even having those thoughts. I am not sure, but if so…

You aren’t alone and there is nothing wrong.

Either way, there it is, my quiet side of being a Single Mom

-Traci

Dear Married Moms, I'm a little Jealous

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