Val Ross: Leaving Scientology and accepting you're a 'namby-pamby panty-waist dilettante'

[Val Ross is back with another account of how she survived being a Scientology spy who infiltrated the FBI and learned to thrive away from this organization.]

Part of the reason recovery from the Scientology experience is so hard is because so much subtle damage has been done in so many areas that it is not possible to heal just one area then say “ok, all better.”

The hardest part about recovering from Scientology, in my experience, has been that the minute I finally fix one broken piece, I find it was hiding three other breaks.

Hubbard, in pretending he had discovered exactly how the human mind worked, created so much chaos in so many peoples’ minds that they continue tripping over what I refer to as “brain shrapnel” for a long time after they have escaped the clutches of Scientology.

It’s the subtle, insidious programming that takes the longest to unwind. From the very beginning of a person’s Scientology experience, they are taught that they are not supposed to ever leave anything hanging, no matter what. Starting with the dreaded “Keeping Scientology Working,” which is at the beginning of every single course pack a person ever gets in Scientology, we are told:

“When somebody enrols, consider he or she has joined up for the duration of the universe—never permit an “open-minded” approach. If they’re going to quit let them quit fast. If they enrolled, they’re aboard, and if they’re aboard, they’re here on the same terms as the rest of us—win or die in the attempt. Never let them be half-minded about being Scientologists. The finest organizations in history have been tough, dedicated organizations. Not one namby-pamby bunch of panty-waist dilettantes have ever made anything. It’s a tough universe. The social veneer makes it seem mild. But only the tigers survive—and even they have a hard time. We’ll survive because we are tough and are dedicated. When we do instruct somebody properly he becomes more and more tiger. When we instruct half-mindedly and are afraid to offend, scared to enforce, we don’t make students into good Scientologists and that lets everybody down. When Mrs. Pattycake comes to us to be taught, turn that wandering doubt in her eye into a fixed, dedicated glare and she’ll win and we’ll all win. Humour her and we all die a little. The proper instruction attitude is, “You’re here so you’re a Scientologist. Now we’re going to make you into an expert auditor no matter what happens. We’d rather have you dead than incapable.” (Keeping Scientology Working, HCOPL 7 February 1965 Reissued 15 June 1970) [Emphasis in original.]

This is just the start of the indoctrination. The longer a person remains in, the more it is pushed on them that they have no control over their life anymore. They are supposed to work their body until they drop. And then, work some more. But, it is couched in words that make it seem like they are in total control of it all. That way, the group is programmed to believe that they are powerful beings. And all the while, we are just being led around like a group of compliant lemmings.

It is not something that just a few people think, it’s hardwired in the entire group. There are strict policies written to back this up. As early as February, 1968, Hubbard was harping on Complete Cycles of Action.

“The secret of any executive success is the ability to Complete Cycles of Action Quickly. The operative word is COMPLETE. Ability is the ability to complete a cycle of action, to handle the matter so it does not have to be handled again. Referral is irresponsibility. Executives who refer to others to make a decision aren’t executives. They are irresponsible or are afraid of responsibility. People who are afraid of taking responsibility are not executives. They are labourers.” (HCOPL 22 February, 1968 Ethics and Admin, Slow Admin)

In simple terms, a complete cycle of action includes Start, Change, Stop. In theory, that is a great thing to apply to life. You start a project. You do what needs to do the project and you get it done all the way through to completion.

However, in Scientology, it doesn’t work exactly like that. In Scientology, you don’t get to start a project, put a bookmark in it, take a break, come back to it. And then, within a few days of hard work, finish it. You start a project, you work on it until you finish it. Period. The end.

But, you say, what if it was a huge project that takes a lot of days? Of course, in the real world, you just find a stopping point and come back to it. In Scientology, that doesn’t matter. It just means that you plan on eating on the run, or skipping meals. And you plan on missing sleep. If you have to, you can catch a catnap where you are then jump right back into the project.

And in Scientology, even though there is always a policy about how to plan things, intricately the reality is that nothing is ever done until the last minute. This is on purpose. But I will get to that soon.

I could bore you with dozens of policy letters written by Hubbard on exactly why it is important that you do everything now. But you’ve already seen quotes from two in this article. And just reading those quotes, you can see that part of what makes theses policies stick is the mindset off the person reading them.

Looking at them from my current frame of mind, I actually have a hard time even finishing the paragraphs. It’s a bunch of motivational gobblety gook which really says a bunch of nothing. It is something to make people want to work harder.

And, when a person is in the Scientology mindset, it works.

It almost becomes a competition among Scientologists to see who can beat their bodies up the hardest. A person not only expects to operate on little sleep and not much food, but they take pride in doing this. It is a badge of honor. A person who gives in to their “mest body” is considered weak, not smart.

So how do you get rid of this mindset once you leave?

Not easily.

I was a really good worker after I left Scientology because I eschewed breaks. Lunch was something I had to be forced to take. It took me a long time to realize that lunch breaks were actually good for me, that they helped me think better when I got back to my desk. It took even longer for me to take the 15 minute morning and afternoon breaks we were required to take at the law firm where I worked. Yes, that’s right, required.

We had to actually put everything down and step away from our desks for 15 minutes every morning and every afternoon. After working so long and so hard for so many years in Scientology-owned companies even after I left Sea Org and the GO, that took a lot of adjustment.

The personnel officer came by my desk and had me come in his office an had a talk with me about it. He explained that as a law firm, they had to do things by the book and that if I didn’t take the breaks, it could get the firm in trouble. That’s why we had a fully stocked break room. I mean we had free coffee and snacks for the taking. We weren’t required to pay for them. And that’s another article. Oh, how hard it was for me to realize that that was just part of the benefits package and not “out exchange” to drink free coffee and eat free snacks twice a day.

The real wakeup call came one Friday afternoon at 5:15 pm when I was at my desk typing a brief. I had an hour or so left to polish it up. It wasn’t due for another two weeks, but I wanted it in good condition so It could be reviewed and submitted on time.

My supervising attorney came by my desk and said “it’s time to leave” I said “I’m just trying to finish this up.” He said “just save your work, it will be here Monday.”

Walking away from that desk that day took everything I had.

But guess what. The sky didn’t fall. The world didn’t end. And it was there Monday. And I was able to finish it up in plenty of time to get it done. No, it didn’t cure me, but it did make me start thinking. It started me on the road to recovery from believing that I needed to break myself to finish a job that really didn’t need to be done right then.

And it was one more step in my long road to recovery. I began to start looking more and more at the experiences I had had in Scientology and all the artificial deadlines and busy work I had done just to make me not have time to think, to breathe.

And another piece of my brain began to re route itself to remember what I learned from my dad growing up:

“If you value your work more than your happiness, you’ve missed the real meaning of life.”

— Valerie Ross

(Illustration by Alex Barnes-Ross, the cheeky monkey.)

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