You're Asking the Wrong Questions

Someone asked me a question today that I’ve been asked some version of regularly: I’m never going to find a partner. It feels hopeless. I think I’m meant to be alone forever. Which, like, same girl. Been there.

I also saw a client today who referred to his completely normal emotions as “ridiculous.” Another person was struggling because their boyfriend wouldn’t talk about his past relationships. And then there’s the question I get all the time: We haven’t had sex in eight years. How do we get desire back?

All of these questions suggest that what’s being said is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s a big fat wound sitting underneath the question, complaint, or experience.

We can be pretty certain that when we think in extremes—I will never find anyone—when we shame ourselves for having ordinary feelings—I’m ridiculous for feeling this way—or when we’re living inside relationships with significant disconnection—we haven’t had sex in eight years; my partner won’t let me know them—there is something deeper going on than the complaint being expressed.

This is no different from the presenting concern of most couples and individuals who come into therapy. People arrive with the thing that finally prompted them to reach out: We have bad communication. I’m stuck in my relationship. I can’t get over my ex. I’m anxious all the time. We never have sex.

And there is almost always a much larger story that the person hasn’t fully become aware of yet.

A lot of the work of therapy is bringing whatever someone is avoiding in that story into awareness. I want to say I force it into awareness, but that sounds a little aggressive lol. It’s more like repeated exposure to the truths we’ve learned not to look at.