where have i been?

oh damn, here we go again,

i can’t remember the last time i wrote to you and to be honest? there’s no excuse. life truly sucks, but i’ve learnt through cracks and gimmicks, that it’s also who i am, unfortunately…. it’s who i am, i am just a boy who often takes time off, before i delve into why i’m talking to you today let’s do our usual.

could you quickly pause take a deep breath for me, like stop actually and take an actual deep breath, feel the air in your lungs, in a world where we’re often suffocating i want you to breath, right now. i want you to remember the little control you have left over this life, take a deep breath, feel it now. please play risk it all by bruno mars.

january.

on the 31st of december, 2025 i woke up in capetown … and on that same night i slept off passed out as hell. yes, i entered 2026 drunk on my friends couch, am i proud? well no, but am i disappointed? well also no, not at all. i only live once and i don’t want to live life dancing around the lines being perfect or well trying to be perfect, but for most of january i think i slept - or not, its so vague now i think about it… almost like it wasn’t just a couple months ago. in january i loved myself a lot and i’m not certain if it was because i took that long ass break that i deserved or because i just didn’t care, i was in south africa and the weather was good and so it was hard to wake up and look at numbers or do weekly reviews on myself - on things i could’ve done better, things i could’ve said better - always editing parts of myself always a work in progress, never an arrival of who i am entirely.

february.

the 14th changed things for me in such a quiet unromantic way and i’m so certain once again that life is supposed to happen in the most organic ways possible. i started valentine’s day running, well between you and i… i spent most of january running, practicing for my marathon, on most days i ran and listened to music, some days just my thoughts, raw fuel. on the day of the race i somehow listened to only sad music, and as i ran through ozumba mbadiwe grateful for how far i’ve come, i paused and asked myself are you running ‘from’ or are you running ‘to’? how awfully heartbreaking, with tears in my eyes i couldn’t understand myself and what’s worse i couldn’t answer. so maybe that’s what i want to ask you

are you running from something?

or

are you running to something?

could you please pause and help me answer this, because after a month of running the same race every single day how could i not know? if i was running from my past or running to my my future, whatever that may be.

march.

i can’t remember if it was march i chose ‘maybe’ i want to be front and center, i mean in all honesty i’ve decided this a lot, on good days, on bad days, on regular days…. but in march or february i called my friend complained about a love interest and almost immediately after she said ‘tobe a lot of your life revolves around love’ i heard a deafening silence, as much as she has said so many other accompanying things, she said that too… and honestly? it was real. i’ve lived so many lives in pursuit of so many things; validation, success, followers and now? it was love - you see i’ve always believed love is such a dingy emotion, one minute you’re happy and on top of the world and the next, well the next you’re out of love. because love is built on the premise of trust and unlike hope, or strength, trust itself is built on the premise of nothing, it’s simply choosing to trust someone, blindly, stupidly, lovingly. so in march i fell quiet - i went absolutely mute, quietly falling out of love (not with a person but with the idea of love itself) because maybe sometimes that’s what you need, silence, silence laced with self love or hope because suddenly the words ‘self love’ no longer feel like how they sound.

april.

i can’t help but think ‘how awfully grateful i am for april, most of april felt like my spark returning - no one teaches you how to be so if you’re like me you’ll spend a majority of your time negotiating how to be, who to be and when to be. in april i wrote many times, sometimes to you, other times to me, i spent most of april observing the world, in the beginning of april i was headed to jos when the jos crisis started. i spent the next couple days trying to make it to adamawa by car, it was a mess. i experienced utter panic from everyone, for the first time, i felt guilty, guilty for traveling, for believing in myself. i had a phone that wouldn’t stop ringing and a heart that wouldn’t stop beating. in april, i turned 24 and i didn’t ask what i had achieved and what i had not, not on the actual birthday at least…. i waited till a few days later to remind myself all i’m not, but for the first time in forever, i punctuated it with ‘that’s okay’ it’s okay to not have achieved every single thing you wished for - life comes in shades, sometimes awful but sometimes also ridiculously beautiful.

you see, for the longest time i’ve worried and worried and worried, and to be honest i get it. i want it all now, the dream car, the pent house and well maybe my face on a billboard in holly wood, but my love it will come - everything will i’ve lived all of this year in worry that i’ve forgotten i like to sleep late and sleep in, i like the smell of my friends house and waking up wearing their clothes, i love pointless video calls and ‘i love you more’. there’s so much inside of me and the ‘so much’ is enough, i don’t want to live a life of constantly wanting more.

may.

in may, may we live?

where have i been? even i am not really sure my love, but i missed you everyday my tobaby, please remember to write back my love.

just a lil cute pic of me, how is your day going joooor 💘