don't bargain with destiny, steal from it you cute little Anini.

a year ago, I was dating an idiot… now you might read this and think ‘ah ah tobe that’s too harsh’ and well, you’ll be right. it is harsh but it is also true, and well, thanks to snapchat for reminding me, i have chosen to tell you about it.

there is something utterly cynical about allowing life to happen to you, call me crazy and I do know that ‘life will happen’ but it is MY life and I will choose what happens to ME. Take a deep breath, reach out to something around you, pause….where are you?

hold this moment, look at your shirt or dress or if you’re shirtless I want you to notice something distinct about your body or whatever you’re putting on, something you’ve simply never paid attention to before now, it could be a new hole in that shirt you wear too much at home.

how many seams are coming off at the bottom of your pyjamas, wherever you are pause, breathe and look.

good.

now let’s talk.

for days I’ve considered writing to you, unsure of the level of intimacy here, because unfortunately it’s been a while and that’s what happens when you take so long at doing anything you love, I’ve second guessed everything. am I a good story teller? am I even a writer? am I simply a fraud? You know what is truly amazing ? I used to say I had to be hurt to write - so how did I experience so much hurt yet I couldn’t write, couldn’t speak to you. I realised it was simply one of those things I said, maybe out of convenience. Hoping one day it’ll be true or maybe it was, maybe it was and perhaps it was the type of hurt…. Once in a while you experience a type of hurt that leaves you quiet.

I think I also read too many other news letters, too many other people’s opinions and they felt more intelligent, more put together, more perspective than I could afford to give you, so I laid on my bed wishing you read smarter, more articulated authors, people who seemed to have answers not scrambling like I always do. perhaps a part of me forgot that who I am is a boy always scrambling, scrambling for answers, for life. A boy always trying to breathe but that is not what this one is about - it’s just a reminder that fundamentally we’re all silly little humans at the end of the day, we’re just blood, bones and water…. and something very oddly particular, a person who knows all your secrets, the person reading this now - a consciousness.

you see I’ve spent most of the past month in darkness, except of course when I was in London. but as I write to you now, I sit on the extra mattress in my guest room. I should get a bed frame here and in fact tidy these pile of clothes, my cousin lays in front of me, in a way that I can tell he has had a lazy saturday, I find it insane that we’ve been friends for the past four years whilst living the most insanely different lives.

you see, if you asked me who I am, i’d say I don’t know, and the thing is I’m not joking. I’m a mixture of a lot of things, of me and you and the universe and everyone I’ve ever met…but I would tell you I’m someone who has stolen from life a lot. A LOT. Maybe it’s luck maybe it’s in fact destiny but i’ve always felt like a trickster, and the way I steal ? Well let me explain it.

If I were to close my eyes and think of the wildest situation, scenario or career in the world.. I fully believe I can become it and not as a joke. I’m hardwired to think nothing is impossible and who hardwired me ? Me. I’ve spent too many years in agony and anger- praying and wanting better that right now I will try, I’m stupid enough to try everyday, and even more stupid to convince myself that I love failing.

almost everything I am, I crafted.

I am not loving because I’ve seen love, it’s because I’ve seen the absence of it. You see choice is such a unique gift, ultimately, who you are, what you will be is in your hands. Life will happen ridiculously - but life must always be ready for you to happen too.

and if you have any self doubt today, remember I am mad enough to believe it and please borrow from my madness and run baby.

before I forget, how Is your day going joor?

me sitting 30,000 feet above sea level drinking cold pressed orange juice and waiting on my salmon, because as stupid as everyone made me think I was, I didn't think ‘trying’ was uncool. please try - the world is your oyster. see you on saturday & maybe then I'll tell you more about the person I was seeing ?