How to Find What You (Actually) Want

“Tell me what you want” I said, coaching people at my last job. “And then we can figure out how to get there”. But one day, an engineer piped up, “You know, I think the hardest part of my career has actually been that first part, figuring out what I want.”

At first, I was thrown. How had I missed this? I guess I’d assumed wanting was innate, that even a baby can want and cry for food. But then I realized, there are different types of wanting. Knowing what will truly fulfill or bring purpose to your life — is hard.

This post is not about the easy wants, the capricious appetites — to try a particular restaurant or play a new board game. This post is for the secret desires that burn, the mission that keeps calling, and the long-simmering pleasures that bring genuine fulfillment.

At the end, have you lived the life you wanted?

A lot of the time, we operate on auto-pilot. We do not deeply consider if what we pursue now, we’ll be proud of, looking back.

In contrast, figuring out what you actually want is the first step to purpose and fulfillment in life. It also helps with making big decisions. Solving “What job do I take?” and “Where do I live?” are easier when you know your priorities.

The rest of this essay discusses lenses through which to pass a want or desire. They are by no means complete or perfect, but perhaps helpful filters for clarifying a desire.

Lens 1: Choosing Both Process and Outcome

There are actually two parts to anything you want: the process and the outcome. Most people only think about one of these. But I argue that considering both is essential to leading a happy life.

Dr. Gena Gorlin, who studies the psychology of ambition, describes wanting the outcome without the process as the “drill sergeant” mindset. Here’s an example. Let’s say Jane wants to found a successful tech startup. She sets a strict schedule to call 20 potential sales leads every day and talk to 5 potential engineering hires. But it turns out, she hates talking to so many strangers. This, wanting the outcome but hating the process, is all of us at some point. This is muscling through your New Year’s Resolutions, SAT prep to get into Harvard, starving yourself to look thinner. It may be doable in the short-run, but it is unsustainable in the long-run. This leads to burnout.

On the other hand, Dr. Gorlin describes the opposite (wanting the process without the outcome) as the “Zen master” mindset. Here’s an example. Let’s say John wants to write a book. But his first publisher rejects it. Dismayed, he gives up. “Let me just write for myself”, he says. “I’ll write a bit every day and enjoy it.” But, later in life, John begins to have regrets. “I should have gotten an editor and sent it to more publishers. My one regret in life is not publishing my book,” he says.

Multiple psych studies have shown that in the long-term, most regrets come from inaction - activities people wish they had done. A purpose gone unfulfilled.

How do you figure out both a process and an outcome that you want? I think it is easier to start with the process. Henrik Karlsson and Irina Stanescu have written good things about this. I think the trick is to put your body in different activities – and notice how you feel. What excites you and gives you energy? For me, this is coaching. Then you can move to goals. Think about a goal that aligns with that process, a goal you would regret not achieving on your deathbed. For example, coaching at least thirty people in a year to reach one thing they want.

Lens 2: Dealing with External Validation

External validation is alluring for most of us. It is tempting to say, “I want to win a Nobel prize so everyone knows how smart I am.” Or, “I want 10K followers on Instagram.” I think humans do have basic needs for recognition and praise – but with the rise of self-marketing and influence culture, it has fed and stoked this desire to gross proportions. To choose an outcome primarily for the external validation of others is unfulfilling in the long run. People are fickle. Positive/negative fame is often not something under one’s control. And thus chasing popularity/status negatively affects mental health. The outcome must have a substance besides validation that is fulfilling.

It is impossible to avoid wanting external validation altogether, but it shouldn’t be the only thing you want. Things are circular in that it is only by genuinely wanting the process, doing something you can’t help but do, and learning from it every day that you get the external validation.

Here’s a concrete example of this. At first, Henrik modeled his blog off the blog of another writer (let’s call him K). Partially, Henrik wanted external validation, for K to like his work. K’s style of writing required “sustained and disciplined research”. But Henrik, try as he might, could not enjoy that type of research. His efforts failed, and he got sick. In that state, he wrote Looking for Alice. “It was about as far from the type of essay I had wanted to write as possible. I thought it was embarrassing, honestly”. He gave it to a friend, the friend published it, and it went viral. Then, two months later, Henrik got a note praising “Looking for Alice”. It was from K.

My tip here is the same as for lens 1. Figure out the process you must do – and then a related outcome.

Lens 3: Embracing Shame

The other thing that strikes me about Henrik’s story was that, partially, what held him back was shame. He wanted others to see him as a serious intellectual. He was ashamed of “Looking for Alice”, a piece about love. He never published it. So a friend had to do it for him.

On ambition - I think about people who are ashamed to appear ambitious. Ambition is often related to putting yourself first at all costs. But ambition can also be one of the greatest drivers for positive change. As Martin Luther King put it, “Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be first in love. I want you to be first in moral excellence. I want you to be first in generosity.” In that vein, I will always be on the side of people who pursue their ambitions.

—

What are you ashamed to want? What parts of yourself are ignored in shame? We hope that if we do not notice something, it will go away. But it is in fact the opposite. We must notice and acknowledge to be able to choose whether it stays or goes away.

In the past year, the market for older woman/younger male romances has gone wild. The Idea of You, All Fours, Last Summer, Lonely Planet, Babygirl. This slew of movies has spurred conversations about age gaps and power dynamics. But I think that obscures the larger point — these pieces allow older women to be sexy, and show that they, too, can come of age. As the protagonist in All Fours enters menopause and gazes over the middle-age cliff — something within her snaps. She Is a mother, a provider, and a dutiful caregiver. But she is also a woman, realizing she must explore what she wants and needs before it is too late. That means embracing the shameful parts of herself and assessing whether they are worthy of shame.

Perhaps Lens 3 is the inverse of Lens 2. When we completely let go of external validation, when we stop trying to people-please in our essays or our ambition or ourselves, we can embrace and address shame.

Lens 4: Drilling Down to the Root Desire

Maybe the desire you have identified cannot be satisfied exactly as you have put it. But maybe the true (root) desire can.

For many years, I sought to establish an intellectual salon in Chicago. I wanted to gather people who had read philosophical theory to discuss living a good life. But I couldn’t find a lot of people who had read those texts. And I realized this desire was too specific – it wasn’t the root of what I actually wanted. What I actually wanted was to talk to a group of people from different walks of life, to debate and inform my views.

Fin

And so, I leave this post with questions for consideration. What do you want? What would you regret not doing, at the end of your life? What can’t you help but do?

“People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for”

“They don't find it," I answered.

“And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

“Of course," I answered.

And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry