Gift-Giving

When I was in high school, I took on a second persona: Shaker Heights Acts of Kindness. Yes. I was Batman — forcing back darkness One Anonymous Compliment at a time. I would drop notes in lockers, candy in binders, and occasionally the odd dollar bill. I even had a Twitter, SHActsOfKindnes (with the “s” cut off). Where I wrote (now embarrassing) tweets calling out classmates who performed small acts of kindness — like recycling a paper at their feet, or letting a new person sit at their lunch table.

I had 6 followers.

But at the time, it gave me a strange thrill. There’s nothing like seeing a boy, rings around his eyes from studying all night, pop open his locker and find an Almond Joy. Or the girl who thought of the Softball for Cancer event, finally receive a note of appreciation.

Most often, when we talk about gifts, we talk about receiving them, not giving them. After Christmas, people ask me, “What is your favorite gift that you got?” And I love receiving things. It is natural to enjoy obtaining material goods and experiences and praise. But I think it is also natural, and not talked about enough, to enjoy gift-giving as well. In fact, it is gifting, providing for, or impacting others that gives many of us a reason to live.

I struggled to write something thematic for this time of year, and you’ll see Other Topics I considered in coming newsletters. But as we move from gift-giving season into New Year’s Resolutions, I want to challenge readers to write a resolution around giving — because it helps others, it builds community, but also — because giving to others fulfills a human need in the giver as well.

How to Give

People often think a perfect gift is one that a person didn’t ask for and maybe didn’t even know they needed. This can be true and we’ll circle back to it. But often, the perfect gift is what the person says they want. Maybe you think, “My sister looks really tired taking care of the baby all day. I should do it!” But before you start hoarding the baby’s attention, you should probably, um, ask her. Because she might love playing with the baby, but the real thing she needs help with is cooking. And every day you cook for her, you see how much relief you’re providing her. And suddenly, you feel like your own life has more meaning to it, more of a purpose. That’s the power of a good gift. And it also goes to show that good gifts can be gifts people expressly ask for.

And now lets circle back to the other type of gift. The magic of “the gift I didn’t ask for but needed” is not as much the gift itself, but the noticing. It’s really knowing a person, noticing and understanding them, their problems, or their desires. It’s a deep curiosity about the other, to get the problem behind their expressed problem, the root desire of their desire. It’s listening to your partner, without judgement, and asking questions. It’s realizing that the high-schooler you meet with doesn’t want a budgeting tool — they want to understand how to survive in this economy. Or asking your friend if she really wants to pack moving boxes by herself, or if she will let you help her.

So — in 2025, let’s notice each other more. Let’s learn from new and different people. And let’s give each other gifts. For purpose, and meaning, and love, and friendship, and community :)