Making Room for Others at the Table

Before reading this week’s article, I’d like you to picture someone. Think about your favorite boss, your biggest role model or a leader you look up to. Imagine their presence, their voice, how they move in the world and what makes them influential. Got it? Okay, hold onto that thought.

The other day, I was chatting with my friend and she called someone “cocky.” I asked her to expand on that. What made them cocky and why did she feel that way? She explained that she was at a dinner party and this person claimed to be an expert photographer.

As a novice herself, interested in the art but enjoying it more as a hobby, she wanted to ask him a few questions. Pick his brain. Learn from him.

At the party, she overheard him loudly speaking to a group about a recent photoshoot he conducted, sharing his photos with them.

She excitedly walked up, introduced herself to him and shared that she was an amateur photographer, interested in wildlife and landscape photography as a passion project.

He chuckled at the phrase “passion project.” There was silence. A beat.

He didn’t introduce himself but instead asked her what equipment she used. As she answered, he looked around the room, almost scanning for a different conversation to join. He cut her off as she spoke and told her what camera she actually needed to invest in, one that was clearly over budget for a hobbyist. He claimed any photographer who was any good would have this camera.

She leaned in to ask a few more questions, but he walked away. She walked away too, defeated and a little embarrassed.

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I thought this would be a good topic to explore: the difference between confidence and arrogance, or cockiness.

How can you tell the difference between the two and why is making that distinction so crucial, not only as a leader but in life, in daily interactions and as you grow into this world?

Personally, I think the difference is simple: empathy.

A confident person may be an expert of their craft, a leader in the room or a trusted voice. But they value the experiences of others just as equally as their own. Confidence, to me, means standing firm in your values, but voicing them in a way that invites others in to collaborate, not close them out.

An arrogant person wants to be the loudest in the room. They crave power and attention. They believe that it’s “their way is best.” And there may be merit and value to their way, but shutting down the experiences and opinions of others will only cause isolation.

In leadership, and in life, you need collaboration.

Plus, it’s more fun, isn’t it?

I personally think the photographer was arrogant. He was busy touting his talent and expertise instead of taking a moment to share a connection with someone who saw him as a mentor. He didn’t create any human connection. He isolated himself and made my friend feel silly for even asking a question.

If that photographer was confident instead of arrogant, the interaction would have been more of a dialogue.

He would know that his expertise is valuable, but not more important than what she is bringing to the table, even if it’s a smaller camera and less experience. He would remember that he was, at one point, a novice and a beginner. He also would not be threatened by her, but instead would champion her interest in photography.

He would ask her questions, listen, gather information about her and then provide his opinion and expertise. It would be a collaborative conversation where she would walk away encouraged and empowered to keep going, not defeated and embarrassed.

The same is true in any interaction, especially in leadership.

You must know your value and worth to be confident.

You must trust yourself and speak with conviction.

But you must be kind, be open, be empathetic, be willing to learn from others.

Arrogant people are usually just insecure and often confuse confidence with being the loudest, smartness person in the room (and making sure others know it too).

Confident people are secure in who they are. They don’t need to boast or prove, and they welcome others into their circle because they know that collaboration is far greater than isolation.

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Now back to what I asked you to think about in the beginning. Who is that person in your life that you look up to the most? Think about why. What makes them a role model to you? I can only assume you may be thinking about how they make you feel when you’re around them.

Do they encourage you?

Do they help you, without condescension?

Do they champion you, without dampening their own spark?

Do they guide you with openness and honesty?

Do they make you feel heard and seen?

If you answered yes, I could bet they are a confident, trustworthy person in your life.

Confidence is not about being the loudest or the smartest person in the room, or at a dinner party. It is about making room for others at the table. When you are secure in who you are and what you bring, you do not need to take up every seat. You can invite others to sit beside you and share what they bring, too.