Reading · This is Motherhood

Breastfeeding was something that I never really thought about until I had a baby.

It was always something I assumed I would do, because that’s how babies are fed, right? I knew formula existed, but never really questioned why. Maybe for when someone went back to work, or to have someone feed the baby while I could sleep. But the baby would surely drink my milk and I would surely be a beautiful breastfeeding mom with a baby latched and a giddy smile on.

LOL. How I was wrong.

Breastfeeding is the most naive part of new motherhood. And it bears the same question I keep asking about everything postpartum — why does no one talk about how hard it is?

Why did no one tell me that it can take a week for your milk to come in?

Or that your breasts will leak for weeks, months.

That engorgement is painful, that latching is painful.

That not having enough milk is anxiety provoking.

But also that being an oversupplier is equally stressful.

That I’d be so tired and yet so fulfilled by giving my baby what it needs.

But, at what cost?

For me, it was the cost of my mental health.

There is so much should around breastfeeding. There is so much shame, guilt, feeling of not enough. And I think a lot of that starts with a phrase we’ve been told is supportive: breast is best.

I think that phrase is doing real damage. It sets moms up to feel overwhelmed, anxious, and like a failure before they’ve even begun. And when anything goes wrong in the breastfeeding journey — which it does, often — that message becomes the thing that tells her it’s her fault. That she didn’t try hard enough. That she isn’t enough.

That is not support. That is just shame."

I am writing this for the mom who is white-knuckling it right now and wondering why it feels this hard and whether that means something is wrong with her.

It doesn’t.

My journey with breastfeeding was certainly impacted by my first being a 28-weeker. I didn’t have the option to breastfeed until my baby was almost 3 months old. I instead found myself tied to a pump, 6-8 times a day, 15 minutes each time, for months on end. It was all I knew, and I had an oversupply, so that was good, right? We had to buy a second freezer for how much we froze. And I had to be grateful because I could produce milk. And I had to keep pumping because my baby was a preemie and I was told he “needed it to survive” and that my milk was his “best medicine.”

What I wish I had said out loud: it may be his best medicine. But he also needs a mom who is mentally well.

And yet I kept pumping.

Eventually when my son came home from the NICU after 2 months, I found it so much more challenging to maintain the pumping. What do you mean I had to now triple-feed him if I wanted to breastfeed? I had to pump a little first, otherwise my flow was too fast for his little preemie body. Then he’d try to breastfeed. But then we’d still need to give him a bottle because he was a preemie, and then I’d still need to pump. This whole cycle took 90 minutes, only leaving me 30 minutes to do everything else in life.

I found it impossible to leave the house — not because of anxiety, but because of the mental list of everything I needed. Pump parts, bottle parts, milk bags, the right type of bra, what type of clothes could I wear that I actually felt good in postpartum. I needed the ice packs and the cooler and everything. It was taking up so much mental space.

Not only that, but I had something that I didn’t know much about until later, called D-MER — Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex. Every time I let down, I was hit with an intense feeling of resentment, rage, homesickness, loneliness. It’s often characterized as sadness or depression, but for me it showed up differently. It is a physiological response — a sudden drop in dopamine at letdown. Not a mental health condition. A physical one. It is real, it is documented, and almost no one talks about it. The symptoms only lasted about 5 minutes and then would get better. But it happened every single session. (I wrote a complete guide on D-MER here).

The same thing happened with my second, and with my second I tried to do every single thing to make it go away. I would do “pump and drives” where I only pumped in the car because the distraction helped. Or if I pumped at home, I used my Baby Buddha so I could be cooking or doing laundry or sitting on the floor playing with my baby (love my Baby Buddha!). I found that being tied to the pump made my D-MER worse.

But ultimately, the D-MER kept making me feel further from myself. I felt lost. I felt confused. I felt so angry, and I am not an angry person. I wanted to be enjoying this time with my baby.

So I stopped.

With both babies, I had an epiphany at about 3 months and stopped.

I asked myself: would I be a better mom if I could sit and play with my kids rather than be so stressed about pumping?

So I stopped. I ordered the formula, and I began weaning.

I don’t remember weaning with my first, but with my second it was one of the worst experiences of my life, and most certainly was the lowest I got in all my postpartum. That story will be for another day.

Nobody said “it’s okay if this feels too hard. You can stop.” What I got instead were more solutions. Another lactation consultant. A different pump. One more positioning tip. Everyone trying to find a way to help me continue. Nobody giving me permission to stop.

I wish someone had just said it.

So I am saying it to you now: it is okay if this feels too hard. You can stop.

Breastfeeding can have its mental health benefits, and I’m sure many people experience it differently than me. But I do wish I had given myself permission to stop sooner. To know that I could still be a good mom no matter how I feed my baby, and that my worth is not based on how dedicated I am to breastmilk.

Your worth as a mother is not measured in ounces.

Have you experienced D-MER, or felt pressure to keep going past the point where it was working for you? I read every comment.

If you are in crisis or need immediate support right now, click here.

(this post is not sponsored in any way by baby buddha, but I do love my baby buddha products! )

Breast Is Best Almost Broke Me

Comments