How do YOU plead? GUILTY!

Dear Friend,

One of the most unfortunate patterns I see repeatedly in my clinical practice (of over fourteen years) is the human propensity to feel unnecessary guilt.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines guilt as:

“A feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person.”

This definition is an important one to remind ourselves of, in particular the truth of it: doing something wrong, or causing harm to another person. That is what guilt is actually for.

Last week in my clinic, two very good people felt very bad. Neither had done anything wrong, nor intentionally caused anybody any harm.

People feel guilty for being happy, for being sad, for being angry, for being too intense, for not caring enough, for being careless, for forgetting something, for being irritated when they are tired, for being more attractive, for being less attractive, for being more clever, for being too much, for not being enough.

So why does this happen? Why do so many good people feel so bad, so often?

We often use guilt as a force to motivate us to do good. If we don’t feel guilty, how do we know we will do the right thing? This stems from a lack of trust in our selves, a lack of self-esteem, and the deep-rooted confusion arising from childhood when we were not sure if we are the ones to blame for things going wrong in the world.

Neuroscience shows us that guilt activates the same regions of the brain associated with physical pain. In other words, it is not just in our minds, we feel it in our bodies. When guilt becomes a default response from a young age, the brain wires itself to reach for it automatically. Not because we are weak, but because the brain is doing exactly what it is designed to do, returning to what is familiar.

But first, we have to understand what we are actually dealing with.

Share

My five-star rated online video course, Light Up Your World is still open for registrations for a limited period this summer. Start anytime once registered, and you have lifetime access to the material, which includes hypnotherapy audios, videos, progress quizzes, practical tips/tools, journaling prompts and extra audio guidance from Fiona. Special summer price. More here.

Corporate Talks and Training - I am now taking bookings for World Mental Health Day, (week of 5-9 October). To empower your staff with positivity and emotional resilience, please get in touch here.

My One-to-One Online Clinic is now full, but the wait list is open. Add your name here.

Our Building Emotional Reslience webinar series and Soundbaths will be returning in September so watch this space for more information…

Psychologists make an important distinction between two very different types of guilt. Healthy guilt is a moral signal, it arises when we have genuinely acted against our own values and it motivates us to repair, to apologise, to do better. It is useful.

Unnecessary guilt, on the other hand, is guilt without a crime. It is what psychologists call neurotic guilt, and it has nothing to do with what we have actually done. It is rooted instead in how we were conditioned to see ourselves. It serves no purpose.

Research in developmental psychology shows that unnecessary guilt is most commonly learned in childhood. Children who grew up in households where love felt conditional, where they were responsible for managing the emotions of adults around them, or where expressing needs was discouraged, often internalise the belief that simply existing as they are is somehow wrong. Guilt becomes a default setting, a constant low hum in the background of their lives, even when there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Some of the most common examples I see in my practice:

• A mother who takes a morning to herself and spends it feeling guilty for not being with her children, despite being the primary caregiver every other waking hour.

• A person who leaves a job that was making them miserable and feels guilty for leaving others to cope in a toxic working environment.

• Someone who says no to a social invite and then spends days ruminating, convinced they have offended the hosts.

• A person who is simply happy, on a good day, in a good moment, and feels guilty because someone else in their life is not.

• Being healthy when someone you love is very sick.

In these cases nobody has done anything wrong and yet the guilt is absolutely real to them.

I have a very good friend, someone I admire greatly, who told me on Friday that she simply does not do guilt. And it is true, I can see it in her. There is a freedom in her choices and in how she lives her life. She laughed and said, “well, maybe I am just not a very good person.” The connection between being guilty and being good is deep rooted but the reality is that she is one of the most caring people I know and helps others every single day.

So how does she manage it? As far as I can see, two things: clear thinking, coupled with healthy self-esteem.

The good news is that this is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. Psychologists call this cognitive appraisal - the practice of pausing to examine what we are actually feeling and whether it has a basis in reality, rather than simply being swept away by it.

Here is a simple way to try it:

The next time you notice guilt arising, place your hand on your heart, take a breath, and ask yourself two honest questions:

Have I actually done something wrong?
Have I caused harm to another person?

If the answer to both is no, then guilt has no real claim on you.

In other news, I have been swimming each day, doing my yoga and I have a Flamenco dance camp next week that is being held right here in my village. I read a book called My Mother My Self written in the seventies by Nancy Friday which is, in my opinion, outdated but certainly contains interesting ideas albeit perhaps the root of a lot of unnecessary guilt.

I know I will be using the exercise above when I feel overwhelmed by joy yet knowing that people are suffering all over the world. I will then I hope be in a better position to help.

Sending love as always, feel free to email me anytime.

Fiona xxx