God on Florida: "How Many More Signs Do I Need To Give You?"

HEAVEN — Following a devastating hurricane that has killed at least 300 people and left thousands stranded without homes in Florida, an exasperated God has been left wondering why humanity hasn’t takne urgent action against the land He decried as an “abominable hellspawn.” “After so many plagues of disease, famine, and death upon the people of Florida, you’d think they’d realize at this point that they’ve incurred my wrath for their lascivious ways,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But no, despite everything I’ve done in my power to dissuade mankind from acting like the accursed Floridian, still more flock to this land of pagan lechery and greed. Even Pharaoh softened his heart eventually after 10 plagues! What am I on, like Plague 3,500, at this point?” The Most High and Exalted One has long taken umbrage with the state of Florida and its malevolent governance, from the wanton destruction of the Everglades to the run-down torture camps where thousands of abused inmates are packed into tiny cells to the hundreds of cocaine-fueled orgies in Miami. The government of Florida, on the other hand, seems to have not gotten the memo, with Governor DeSantis still proclaiming his administration is “on a mission from God to return Florida to its Christ-centered roots,” which has apparently sent the Lord of All into an unrelenting rage. “Towards the end of the 18th century, God began seeing an anger management therapist, and so we thought He made some real progress with the whole letting go of fire and brimstone thing,” explained Saint Peter. “But man, oh man, the way the Florida Man has been acting as of late… Satan himself could not ask for a better gift.” At press time, the Father of Humanity decided that, like Sodom and Gomorrah, there was not one good person left in Florida and sent the Angel of Death to extinguish the lands.