Art by Paul from NZ
🎧 This Week’s Happenings
Queen Troublemaker spent the week battling one vicious summer cold . . . but a cold is nothing compared to the human viruses (Meghan, Harry, Psycho Arsonist Ryan, Jared Leto, etc) in need of containment. Onward we march to The Woodshed! (Teddy is still in Montecito, hot on the trail of Harry’s reported “other woman” and running up an expense tab for the ages.)
🌿 MEGHAN MARKLE ENTERS HER “HHHERBS!” ERA
Meghan Markle, aka The Duchess of Despair and Endless Grievance, catwalked onto “MasterChef Australia” to airily dispense her questionable — at best — culinary wisdom.
“Do you say HHHerbs... or Erbs?” [MC: How Hilaria Baldwin-coded. “How do you say in English . . . cucumber?” 😂☠️]
Also, our Duchess reportedly made beloved MasterChef Australia host Poh Ling Yeow cry. At least Meghan didn’t throw hot tea — as she allegedly, reportedly did on her last trip Down Under, as a working royal, when an aide most displeased her. Baby steps.
🚨 SUNNY “HE WENT TO HARVARD — HE TEACHES GEOMETRY TO FOURTH GRADERS IN THE SOUTH BRONX” HOSTIN
“View” host and America’s premier race hustler’s CONSTANT, ENTITLED defense of her son — just workin’ out down at the train tracks, near the porta-potties — remains one of The Nerve’s biggest stories.
Troublemakers are flooding Nerve HQ with tips and theories about Gabriel’s alleged, reported life down on the tracks — and hilariously sent us to Gabriel’s underwhelming LinkedIn profile. (Average job tenure: one month.)
Sunny’s trying to stall — she got Gabriel’s hearing, originally scheduled for today, punted to September 15 — but she shouldn’t get too comfortable: Ted will be back from CA and ready to hit the courthouse undercover. Speaking of:
🐶 TED TALK: Team TNT (that’s Teddy and his incorrigible rookie, Trouble) is currently flooded with résumés. [MC: He’s a little resistant to new hires. Ted insists he’s a one-dog operation, puppy notwithstanding. But I keep telling him — there are too many repeat offenders in too many geographical locations! How much surface area can one seven-inch tall, five-pound mini-Pom possibly cover? Plus, I keep getting reports that Teddy’s dozing off in Uber Blacks all over the Pacific Coast Highway. His Uber bill is out of control!] Teddy’s response? “The motion helps me think.” One eye closed, one eye open . . . Ted’s clearly picked up a few tricks from all those cozy late-Saturday morning viewings of “Columbo” with Maureen. All he needs is a trench coat and a cigar.
🐶 TEAM TNT IS HIRING!
So says Queen Troublemaker..
While Ted’s been burning through Maureen’s AMEX business card, expensing treats, groomings and room service all over Montecito [MC: “Excuse me . . . what’s this charge from the Rosewood Miramar for lobster truffle pasta?”], Team TNT has been absolutely bombarded with applications. And we don’t mean metaphorically.
This week’s standout comes courtesy of Troublemaker @TheKimberlyAnne, whose ambitious sidekick, Big Back, has been closely following the Stedman investigation and would very much like to join Teddy’s elite investigative task force as Ted’s very own assistant. (MC: Smart play. This will definitely appeal to the little guy’s control issues.)
This beagle’s cover letter suggests he’s highly motivated, looking to move out of his mom and dad’s house, and is a team player (we love his Teddy-inspired Sherlock cap). We’re also very impressed with his major (snack acquisition) and his minor in napping and side-eye.
🌙 ON THE NERVE AT NIGHT...
Celebrity gossip extraordinaire Rob Shuter returned with another fresh round of Hollywood whispers, backstage drama, and the thoroughly hilarious description of his former boss, Sean “Diddy” Combs, as a “Scary Mary.” We died.
After Maureen announced that Psycho Arsonist Ryan has been moved to a fire-retardant wing of The Woodshed, Paul from New Zealand sent the following masterpiece [MC: Paul — one quibble. I doubt Ryan would touch a carb].
Art by Paul from NZ
🎙️ ON FRIDAY: BILLY BUSH CHECKS IN
Much-requested guest Billy Bush returned to The Nerve, and as always, he showed up with enough scoop to keep us busy for days.
First up? A tectonic power shift inside Buckingham Palace.
The Doves.
The Hawks.
The Wasp.
This is starting to sound less like a monarchy and more like the seating chart at a Greenwich charity gala.
Billy and Maureen broke down the latest palace shake-up before another NERVE EXCLUSIVE.
An anonymous Troublemaker infiltrated Rosie O’Donnell’s stand-up show and sent undercover audio straight to Nerve HQ — no fingerprints! Billy and Maureen reached the only logical conclusion:
Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump may be the greatest troubled love story since “Brokeback Mountain.” Truly — neither one can quit the other.
Billy and Maureen also weighed in on the bombshell BBC documentary examining sexual assault allegations surrounding Jared Leto. After decades covering Hollywood, Billy told Maureen about a close friend of his whose daughter had been approached by Leto — and Maureen gave some behind-the-scenes intel about why and how The New York Post attempted to smear one of Harvey’s earliest accusers.
Then, thankfully, a palate cleanser.
Ryder Williams, the 16-year-old California State Parks rookie lifeguard who risked his own life to rescue a 10-year-old boy from the crushing surf at Seabright State Beach, reminded us that genuine heroes still exist. Since then, Ryder has broken his silence — and is even being invited to the White House. Billy Bush got a little misty-eyed. So did we.
🍸 BTS SPECIAL: THE (COUGH) MARTINI MOMENT.
Billy talked Maureen through a coughing fit by suggesting she spike her water with vodka, then remarking:
The man has instincts.
It just so happens a martini is Maureen’s drink of choice.
Keep reading for Maureen’s signature martini recipe — ice cold, properly dirty, and every bit as sharp as she is.
On Tomorrow’s Mini!
We’ve gone back into the Nerve archive (young though it is) to revisit one of our earliest — and favorite — Mini piñatas. Hint: This repeat offender really loves these things, found in nature, essential to building The Woodshed itself.
Join us tomorrow, Saturday, August 1, over on YouTube at 10 am ET!
🐶 TEDDY OPENS HIS PUP-DATED CASE FILE
Inside:
📁 EXHIBIT A: Troublemaker intel, shout-outs, exclusive new art, and Teddy’s latest field notes.
👱♀️ ONE OF OPRAH’S RICH, FURIOUS, FABULIST BLONDES: We take a much deeper dive into yet another scandalous memoirist — with a source who spilled straight to The Nerve.
🎥 BEHIND THE SCENES: Plus Maureen’s perfect martini recipe — slightly dirty and chilled to summer perfection.
💄 THE MAUREEN EDIT: This week’s beauty finds, style obsessions, vintage treasures, and everything Maureen has been watching, wearing, and buying.
The evidence locker is open.
The case file is waiting.
ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU READY?
LET’S GO! 🐶🚔📁
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