Art by Paul from NZ
🎧 This Week’s Happenings
The Nerve officially crossed the Atlantic this week, proving not even 3,500 miles of ocean can keep Troublemakers apart — in fact, an Australian Troublemaker wrote in the YT comments that she had a good laugh spotting Maureen and glamorous Troublemaker Belinda Carlisle shopping at Selfridges on Tuesday. [MC: Troublemaker — next time say hi! More on my adventures in London this week to follow.] Our humble Troublemaker-in-Chief may not have been invited to Buckingham Palace [MC: as Meghan Markle would say:‘Yet!’], but she did spend time with royal commentator extraordinaire and frequent Nerve guest Lady C and enough fascinating Brits to keep us fully stocked with gossip until the Fourth of July. Maureen will leave Britain exactly as our forefathers intended — a little worse for wear and independence intact!
🎨A NEW TROUBLEMAKER ARTIST EMERGES!
Our latest artwork came in this Tuesday, fittingly, from a European Troublemaker who prefers to go by Little Imp. [MC: I died. Again — when we have our opening night for The Nerve Wing at the Smithsonian, this piece will have pride of place.]
In her accompanying email, Little Imp writes that The Nerve “releases my inner rampant bitch.” We love you already, Little Imp! The artist explains that her depiction of Maureen is as Eris, “the goddess sowing chaos and discord among selfish, stupid gods as they ruin their own reign as well as the lives of us humble, hardworking people here on planet Earth. Since you are an esteemed astronaut, the wings were a must-have — a symbol of divine comic heights. I hope it is to your liking.”
[MC: Are you kidding?!? Little Imp, I love it. And real devil horns! Gayle King could never.]
Meanwhile, in The Nerve’s version of “Freaky Friday,” our favorite British gossip reporter Rob Shuter was back in New York, “hitting the phones” and delivering another round of real talk about fake people. Is Harry making inroads with King Charles? What moves is William reportedly, allegedly making to ensure his prodigal brother and ghastly (just our opinion!) wife remain locked in The Tower — the metaphorical version of The Woodshed? Should we advise the Prince of Wales to establish a burn pile? Or should we leave such guidance to psycho arsonist Ryan Reynolds? Will Meghan’s impending Jar-mageddon — her unsold jams and flower sprinkles nearing their expiration dates, threatening her with a $5 million loss — force her to prostrate herself before the King? Or is this all a feint to get more material for the global marketplace? We covered it all — and that’s to say nothing of other celeb scandals and embarrassments!
Before landing in the UK, Maureen spent her night flight unable to tear herself away from Lena Dunham’s macabre showbiz memoir Famesick. [MC: Once I hit the London nightclub section, in which Lena has a psychotic break in front of Bruce Springsteen, I knew Providence had sent The Nerve to the scene of the crime.] Truly, it’s not every young HBO star who sets herself on fire while totally, completely sober [MC: so she says], then texts her famous ex, who is “at a venue” with “terrible cell service” [so he said]. Should we read more on the show?
Back stateside, Jack Schlossberg finally learned that being a Kennedy is no longer a plus, in electoral politics or otherwise. [MC: I’ve been trying to get that message across to him on The Nerve, but it seems, as my mother would say, that Jack is exceptionally thick]. We’ll get into it! Meanwhile, Jason Sudeikis’ carefully curated Mr. Nice Guy image continues to implode. Maureen and Marlaina are building a special Jason segment timed to the return of his flailing Apple TV series Ted Lasso — by the way, Trouble is being trained to run The Woodshed. He looks forward to showing Jason to his quarters (not least because Jason allegedly, reportedly, had a fling with Meghan Markle before she set her sights on that beta prince).
Speaking of beta males: Jennifer Aniston’s hypnotist boyfriend, Jim Curtis (he of the yellow butterflies), is still making the talk-show rounds — shows aimed at women, may we add. Fuck this guy! He still can’t seem to answer a specific question specifically. [MC: Just ask the Today show’s Craig Melvin, who we suspect may be a Troublemaker.] Even Kelly Clarkson — the lovely, personable Kelly, who can carry a conversation with the most brain-dead influencer going — was speechless as Jim told her to “put your tongue on your back molar.” That and a yellow butterfly . . . Reports are that Jennifer Aniston has revoked her offer to buy Jim a $25 million apartment in New York City and may be backing away from marrying this huckster. We humbly suspect that even Jen may be listening to The Nerve, where Jim is in the running for a Nerve Award 2026 [MC: rarely a good thing].
Oddly enough, despite wandering all over London, Maureen hasn’t spotted a single yellow butterfly. Back home, however, Troublemakers report seeing them in droves. More below.
On Friday’s Nerve we welcomed Gwyneth: The Biography author Amy Odell to dissect Gwyneth’s latest scandal, known as Gwynocide; why the celebrity-media-industrial-complex props up Goop, despite the 16-year-old company never, ever having turned a profit; and what’s behind Gwyneth’s seemingly bottomless need for fame. And! The Nerve finally answers one of modern Hollywood’s most stubborn unsolved mysteries: Did Gywneth really steal the “Shakespeare in Love” script off Winona Ryder’s coffee table?
Now: as we say — and as Troublemakers understand better than anyone — even the wicked need rest. Especially the wicked. So The Nerve will be going dark next week, not least because Teddy has demanded it. [MC: Let’s just say he didn’t take the imminent opening of The Nerve’s Consumer Protection Bureau — first case, the Troublemaker who can’t get her O magazine subscription cancelled — as well as I’d hoped.] But we’re confident that as Nerve HQ takes a well-deserved breather, Teddy will reassess in the shade, while napping, after cuddles and cheese, and see this as a well-deserved promotion (raise and perks pending).
And not to worry: A brand new Mini drops over on YouTube tomorrow at 10am EST — we’ve got a first-time offender who Maureen may still love. [MC: Troublemakers: Talk to me! Tell me if I’m crazy.] Plus — even though we’re off next week, we’ve got a brand new Mini for next Saturday, the Fourth of July. We don’t even want to give so much as a hint — that’s how excited we are to drop this like the cultural bomb it is!
Keep reading for Maureen’s note and recs, London edition; Troublemaker feedback; Teddy’s latest Pupdate! [MC: See? He really can’t stay away from the spotlight, or this Substack], fresh Paul from New Zealand art, and more!
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