13. not working/working

A stream of consciousness is a writing exercise/style where you dump out all the thoughts in your brain, without editing or trying to create structure, just letting it all flow. (I did edit a bit for clarity though, and used line breaks to form some sense of structure.)

not working and working

a false dichotomy

because to work

(especially creative work)

(especially work that exhausts my brain or body)

I also need to not work

it’s not an or situation

it’s an and situation

and I’m so tired

and I can’t - er - haven’t stop(ped) feeling guilty for

the not work

not all the time

sometimes I can

feel good in the not work

but sometimes the part of me with the voice that says

should

has too strong of a hold on my guts

and sometimes

when I’m not working

it feels so good

and I wonder

if I’ll ever want to work again

and I’ll wonder if I’ll ever do the work

I need to do

so that I can not work

some more

I’m tired of the fragmented focus, of leaving the space and the time half-filled, so here’s an attempt to fill it all up - because in order to get what we’ve never had or do what we’ve never done - I’ve never had - never done - we must do what we’ve never done - wait I messed that up - I made a mess - a misunderstanding - what if everything is a misunderstanding, maybe then it won’t matter if I’m misunderstood or understood or stood under or misstood. Maybe then it won’t matter how long someone looks at me, not smiling, how someone looks right past me when I’m talking and only offers a sorry and not a question to hear what I said, maybe then

working / not working

caring / not caring

thinking / not thinking

creating / not creating

but also

working / resting to work / not working / working to rest

caring / fortifying to care / not caring / caring to fortify

thinking / emptying to focus / not thinking / focusing to empty

creating / consuming to create / not creating / creating to consume

the circle of life

is to work

then not work

and sometimes the work is the work

and sometimes the work is to ask people to see you

and sometimes the work is to connect with strangers

and sometimes the work is to connect with friends

and sometimes the work is to connect with yourself

to fill your life to fill your page to fill the air with sound waves to fill the air with color to fill your words with emotion to fill your days with work and play and preparation and presence to fill your hands with paper to fill your brain with leaves to fill your sky with sunshine to fill your presence with softness to fill your spaces with you to fill the past with laughter to fill the future with human-grade love to fill your bed with roses to fill your kitchen with blue to fill your fridge with rice to fill your nonsense with sense to fill your screens with static to fill your breath with sleep

✌🏽+💗,
SJ

instagram: @themostawful
youtube: SJ’s Screen

Next week:

• I think this is officially a stream of consciousness newsletter. Sorry, not sorry. (But also I’ll use other sections for work/product updates!) This just feels too good to stop doing.