Tori and Me

Eighteen and naïve.

Inexperienced, insecure, pretending otherwise.

Unknowingly untethered, with a force rising inside – the wild animal done with being caged. Terrifying, for the good girl.

And then came Tori.

The naivety prevented the eager mind from comprehension.

But that rising force met its match.

Magnetic, poetic. Complete comprehension on a soul level.

Words colliding with a soul yearning to be set free.

Music triggering feelings never felt before.

The wild animal thrashes and lashes against the cage.

An invitation.

An awakening.

This was my introduction to Tori Amos. And during those first couple of years of her and I, she saved me from the world I was being seduced by. The pressure and complexity of friendships. The confusion of sex and intimacy. Being told to be this, do that, you can’t say that, this is the only way…

Back then, I didn’t understand many of her words. And those I did understand felt risky, naughty even. Like she was speaking things that weren’t meant to be spoken, but I liked it a lot. Just like I liked the way she played. Provocative and intimate, without permission. Without pretence. Without serving herself on a silver platter. Something I knew nothing about, but my god I wished I did.

I was in awe of her difference. Her boldness and courage, despite the trauma she experienced. In fact, because of the trauma. I saw the phoenix in her, and it gave me immeasurable courage to survive my own trauma. Her unapologetically quirky, magnificent words and ways spoke to that part of me that hadn’t been born, yet.

I studied her lyrics, being the good student. I wanted to understand with my mind. I took the academic approach – the only way I knew at the time. I learned every word by heart. And this affirmed my love of her even more. Not because I then understood, but because her words were forever forged in my soul. Such a good student. Studious. Dedicated to learning. Reaping a different kind of reward from the one I had been chasing.

Back then, I didn’t really see or appreciate her mastery. Her genius.

In hindsight, I was never meant to. Not yet. Because that gift was coming at another time, another age, another awakening…

After those first couple of Tori years, I was once again caught in the headlights of life. That other part of me – the insecure, uncertain me that just wanted to fit in – rose once again. Tori became a dusty, beloved memory at the back of the cd collection.

Life carried on, as it does. And one day I started to question everything, as you do. Perhaps it was a pivotal, memorable point in time or perhaps it was a casual Tuesday when the questions started to rise alongside that once-again raging caged beast within.

Because life is life. It is a culmination of experiences, feelings, relationships, versions of self. The big stuff. The little stuff. It all shapes and makes us. And at some point, the questions come.

Thirty-three, and adrift.

Discovering who I am. What I love. What lights me up.

This is how I found my way back to her.

Her words, her music, her essence.

I remembered that I am happiest when I’m different. I feel more when I feel more. I am more when I am more. The beast inside finally breaks free and runs wild.

Not only do I now understand her words (well, most of them!) and let them land through my own interpretation, I see her genius. The artistry. The brilliance.

Our relationship is evolving. The appreciation and love deepens.

Divine timing. Because now is my time. A second awakening unfolds, much bigger than the first.

Listening to Tori as an adult smack bang in the middle of an awakening is a gift from the heavens – the same Tori, who felt so familiar yet so foreign to teenage me. She now holds, but never commands. She sooths, but never enables. She invites me to stand on my own two feet, emboldened, shoulder to shoulder with her and all the other women rising and growing into themselves, their truth, their power… Again and again and again…

Forty-eight, and free.

Finding my own words, my own tune, my own way.

Never distracted by the headlights.

The wild animal is finally free and roaming and it’s not so dangerous, after all. The animal is instinctive, attuned, one with nature and every living thing. No longer needing to fight or defend, the animal is at peace. She is home.

Tori is still beside me, and her words continue to heal. Eyes and heart wide open, completely in awe. Inspired. Certain that I too have all that spark, and more. The bud is blossoming. And I can hardly contain the thrill and joy of it all!