What’s Stopping You?

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So, what’s stopping you? And what if what’s stopping you is you? Hold on. That’s not meant as judgment or criticism or placing blame. It’s meant for curiosity, introspection and understanding. Because, when we answer that question, it gives us back power. And we have a nasty habit of forgetting how powerful we are.

Why do we not do the things we know we should do? The things we want to do? The things we know would shift our lives in a positive direction?

What’s stopping us?

A lot of times, it’s the fear of failure. Right? Why put in the effort? We know it won’t matter. We know we won’t succeed. We know it won’t work this time, because it hasn’t worked any other time before. And when we really get down to it and look at all the evidence, we will see that’s a bunch of crap, because not everything we’ve done has failed. Did you put on your clothes properly today? Success! Yeah, start that basic and build your case from there.

Too often, we expect everything to happen immediately. Immediate results with immediate effect and impact. And rarely does that ever happen for anyone. But maybe it has, once or twice — either to you or someone you know…usually a nemesis. And because of that once or twice, we believe that’s the way it should be, all the time. It’s the proof that it’s meant to be. And, if it doesn’t happen quickly and clearly and in a shiny manner, it’s not meant to be. We might as well walk away.

Could you imagine if farmers felt that way? Welp, I planted seeds last week and there’s nothing to show for it. I quit.

Silly, right? Patience is required for change.

It’s not our shortcomings that stop us, though they are the usual suspects. It’s mostly our nervous system — subconscious, inner child, ego. There are lots of names for basically the same thing. Our nervous system/subconscious/inner child/ego just wants us safe. Not happy. Not successful. Certainly not a failure, but if failing is safe, it will keep us safe. And that can mean stuck.

But here’s the really shitty part.

If our nervous system is dysregulated, we aren’t going anywhere. We are going to stay safe and stuck. Doesn’t matter if that makes us miserable. Our nervous system is going to keep us safe.

And this is the you I’m referring to. It’s the part of ourselves that we may not pay attention to, because it’s the software running in the background.

One of the ways it runs in the background is through negative self-talk and limiting beliefs. And when we are stuck in a stressful situation, that negative talk and those limiting beliefs go into hyperdrive. And we go into a nasty spiral, listing all the things we can’t do, all the things we’ve failed at, all the opportunities that were lost, on and on and on.

Does this feel vaguely familiar?

So, how do we regulate our dysregulated nervous system when we are in fight, flight, freeze, fawn or full dorsal, where you are no longer fighting the bear, running from the bear, holding still and hoping you’re invisible to the bear, or trying to make the bear your best friend, but instead just lying there, waiting for the bear to eat you? This is getting into Polyvagal Theory, which we’ve talked about here before. I’ll add a link to that post, and will also share examples of the Polyvagal Ladder, and the wheel I made up because it makes more sense.

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