Boundaries. I love them. And they can be super disrupty because some people don’t know what the fuck to do when you assert them. Their assumption is, if you assert your boundaries, well, then you’re not a nice person. And if you’re not a nice person, well, then you’re certainly not a happy person. And I am here to tell you all of that is crap.
Being happy doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean tolerating bullshit. And it doesn’t mean automatically forgiving people for their bullshit. Being happy means having standards and holding to them.
Let me tell you, one of the things that makes me super happy is accountability — that of others and my own. And you know what keeps people accountable? Yep: Boundaries.
But here’s the thing: Boundaries are not setting rules for other people to abide by. Nope. Boundaries are about holding a set of standards and values for yourself. You aren’t trying to tell somebody how to behave by honoring your boundaries. You’re just letting them know their behavior isn’t for you and if that’s the only behavior they’re capable of, you’re moving on. There is a diff.
But some people are confused by that. They use their boundaries to hold other people accountable to their rules and regulations, expecting others to acquiesce to their whims. They think of their boundaries as a rulebook for others to play by. Uh uh. That’s just a form of control and manipulation. Which is totally inappropriate, unhealthy and gross.
Then there are people who see boundaries like a fortress — protection akin to a moat or a fence. They are meant to keep people away, and only a special few are let in. I bet those folks are lonely.
Think of it this way: boundaries are more like a filter. It’s quality control. And, yes, it’s still a form of protection, because boundaries can filter out unwanted things. But boundaries are not a weapon or a power play.
People get to do whatever they want to do, behave however they want to behave. It’s their choice, their right, their personal freedom (as long as they’re not causing harm or breaking laws). And we want the people in our lives to feel free to be their full selves. Who wants to shrink or stifle themselves in order to be in someone’s life? Um, I hope no one.
If you haven’t noticed, I’m very sweary. Always have been. Seriously, since I was two. Son-of-a-bitch just sort of rolls off the tongue. That was my first fave. I’ve since moved on to the stronger verbiage. And there are some people who just cannot stand a woman swearing. My initial reaction to that is: Too fucking bad. But, I get it. F-words and C-words are not everyone’s cup of tea words. When I meet those people, I try to find the middle-ground. I let them know I will do my best to curtail that language and ask in return that they don’t take offense if I’m not perfect in my efforts. Usually, that’s the happy medium. But there are always some people who don’t want to compromise. They are going to keep their moats and fences, and be frustrated that they can’t control me and that’s fine. We don’t need to sit next to each other at the dinner party. They can plop themselves down at the boring end of the table. I hope they’re happy there.
Boundaries help you decide which people qualify for being in your life — and to which degree — by their behavior and how they work with your boundaries.
And boundaries are not a booby trap. Communicate your boundaries and let others know, “Here are my parameters. This is what I will and will not tolerate. This is what I find unacceptable and need to move on from.” If that behavior cannot be adjusted, if they don’t respect that, if they can’t change, if they can’t honor that request, then you know everything you need to know about them. You can decide how you want to hold your ground.
And there is always middle-ground. We can meet people where they’re at and accept them for who they are while maintaining our boundaries, and respecting theirs. It’s a two-way street.
For me, a big issue is people being late all the effing time. I live in Los Angeles. Traffic is a nightmare. What’s supposed to take 15 minutes can take 45. So there’s stuck-in-LA-traffic late and the I-just-don’t-give-a-shit-about-other-people’s-time late, with some gray area in between.
I admit, I used to be late all the time. Writer’s timewarp is real, people. We can sit down to write a few lines, thinking we’re just giving it 10 minutes, and an hour goes by in a snap. It wasn’t irresponsibility or not giving a fuck, but it’s still not acceptable. This is why I set timers and reminders.
Here’s another thing: Don’t call to tell me you’re going to be late when you are already supposed to be there. Tell me you’re going to be late when you know you’re going to be late. And that can be when you first wake up in the morning, or when you get onto the freeway and see the shitshow currently playing. Communication goes a long way. It’s respectful. And it allows me to do something else or stop rushing if I’m running behind.
I’m super fucking busy. I suspect you are, too. I don’t have a lot of time to waste. And I politely let people know this. So, when I look at my calendar, I adjust my tasks accordingly to make sure I’ll be on time for everything that day. Stop writing so I don’t go into a timewarp. Don’t try to fit in that one extra errand on my way just because it would be easier for me to do, but would likely take too much time. If I want my time respected, I have to respect other people’s time, too, right? That’s just how a civilized society is supposed to work.
If I have a chronically late friend, I let them pick the day, time and place — it’s all up to them, it’s all in their control — and if they still can’t be on time, we won’t be meeting up again any time soon. They’ve filtered themselves out.
Again, boundaries are not about changing other people; it’s about seeing them clearly.
A lot of what we’re dealing with today is a letting go of our boundaries. Our norms are changing, our tolerance is changing, our ethics are changing, unfortunately. And what we need to do is really understand who we are, what we want, what we need, and what we will not abide by.
Once we make those decisions, stand firm. Again, this isn’t about controlling other people. It’s about filtering out people who don’t rise to the standard. And that’s a good thing! We don’t need to lower our standards anymore. We never should have.
Let’s go back to the nice thing for a minute. I am not nice. I am kind. There is a difference. Nice falls into people-pleasing. It’s about making other people feel good and hopefully getting them to like us in exchange. No thank you.
Kind is much more direct. It’s assertive. It’s purposeful. Being kind is about seeing the human in the other person. Kindness lifts up the other person. You aren’t trying to curry favor. You are showing your humanity and mirroring the humanity in the other person, people or situation. So, yeah, I’m not nice. But I am very kind.
So, how do you see your boundaries? Are they a filter or a fence? Are they fluid or fixed? Are they strong or malleable? Do you feel comfortable asserting them or are you nice enough to let people plough through them? They belong to you, those boundaries. And you get to use them in the ways that make you feel happy and safe. Just remember, no one gets to shame or criticize you for having boundaries and expecting them to be respected. You aren’t wrong for having standards. Keep them. Raise them. Honor them. It will filter all the unnecessary stuff out. xo
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