Intimacy

Photo by Iris Azalea

I effortlessly find it when I record the podcast

With

Whoever it is I’m in conversation with

Sometimes this intimacy is truly present

For the time we are together

And then it’s gone

Other times

It lingers

It’s not

Romantic

It’s not

Obsessive

It’s not

Invasive

It’s like

The matter

The fairy dust that makes God real

That makes there be something palpable between more than one person

I’ve been trying to allow myself to go there with people lately

Friends

Co-Workers

People I know

I’ve been so trained by society to only provide intimacy to my

Lover

But

I can’t be intimate with him 247

I have to know

More than just our relationship

I have to have friends

And I have to allow those friends to know me

It’s not dangerous

It’s not

It has been

But

That’s why there’s a higher barrier to entry than there used to be

I have to feel like the other person is ALIVE

The way I select podcast guests

It’s stunning like watching The Aurora Borealis

How someone else recording with me gets me to be that

Present

Alongside them in that momentary buzz of

Knowingness

Even though truly we’ve never met

before

I feel God in my connections with all sorts of other people
I just nervously recorded an intro for someone that has meant the world to my life

That person is not my lover

Nor a close friend

But they’ve grown up alongside me

And I wanted to thank them for that first

Shove

Out into the chaotic world below me that I had largely avoided

By growing a menagerie of safety and comfort in my mind

It was lovely

Running into some bartenders I know right after they watched a new film

At the movies

That spark of

YAY WE’RE ALL HERE

It’s the magic that was promised when I first entered The French Quarter

Same with the smirk that passed across my face when I saw my friend’s joke pictures of him swimming in a full on 3 piece suit

With cute inflatable toys

Now that I’m across the threshold

The whole ocean of experience lies there before me

Not compromise

Or distraction or

Temptation

But

Depth

To comprehending a certain kind of zeroing in

On the instant in which I’m there

To feeling an intimacy of like

Oh wow

It’s only us here on this planet

Together right now

And the layers of camaraderie that seemingly appear out of nowhere

And turn into a friendly phone call

Summoning someone out of the

Ether and into my nexus

My realm

And Olivia’s New Orleans adventurous run continuing

In another exciting direction

With a plot twist and a turn

And deep

Affection

The true friendship kind

Rather than

Only feeling love for

One

His and mine’s love is private but there’s another kind I get to share with the rest of the world

And that’s the version I’m exploring now

Or feeling brave enough to venture back out and make eye contact with you