My Body Knew Before I Did

Is this what an out-of-body experience feels like?! It was rather unsettling to have stopped having lunch with an old friend and to be suddenly witnessing myself having lunch with her instead. I had that floating feeling in my body that I now understand to have been my nervous system on red alert. And for what reason? Simply because this friendship had been formed in the past, a past I had been working so hard to unravel and move away from.

If you’re thinking to yourself “they must have gone through some kind of traumatic event together” or asking “How terrible was your past?” I hope you’re not disappointed when I say that we had an ordinary relationship and my past wasn’t all that bad. That’s what makes this experience all the more important, though – the ordinariness of it all. Any of us could have a moment like this…

A moment when our body lets us know that we feel unsafe before our awareness realizes something’s wrong. A moment when our mind says “no big deal” but our soul says “NO MORE!” A moment when we intuitively know that we’re no longer the same person, even if we missed the gradual changes along the way.

It had been 6 months since I’d walked away from my career in public education. I’d left, not because I was unhappy there but because I found work that made me feel more fulfilled and fully alive. I rolled the dice, knowing that even if I failed I’d regret not taking the chance. And even though I’d met a lot of challenges along the way and been told the odds were against me, I was grateful for what I was learning about myself and how to trust life.

When this old friend started filling me in on the school system where we’d worked together and how great her own career was going, it gave me a sense of heaviness that took me by surprise. It wasn’t jealousy – I was happy for her and had no desire to do the work she was doing. It wasn’t inadequacy – what feels like success for me is far different from what success meant to her. So what was causing me to have such a strange reaction?

What I realized on the drive home was that hearing her go on and on about a world that had felt so limiting to me dragged my energy back into that world. That out-of-body feeling was my spirit resisting those limitations.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m grateful for the opportunities and experiences I had during my 20-year career! I learned so much about people, systems and humanity. I sharpened my leadership skills and strengthened my resilience. I’d learned how to utilize my gifts and how to navigate my weaknesses. But most importantly, I learned how easily others’ beliefs, expectations and stories (even the good ones!) shaped who I thought I was and made me lose sight of who I truly am.

During the 6 months since I’d last seen this friend, I’d worked hard to shed the stories that no longer served me. Within 60 minutes, I felt all of those things creeping back in and weighing me down. Just being around someone from my past brought on familiar feelings of the past. Luckily, I’d also done a lot of work to rediscover what really matters to me and who I want to be, and I used that to guide me through the discomfort.

Not everyone can turn their lives upside down the way I had when I walked away from a stable career. Everyone can find their way to a more balanced, fulfilling, or alive sense of self. And, everyone deserves that.

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For too long we’ve been told that waking up one day and wanting to change our lives is a sign something’s wrong – at best we’re ungrateful for what we have, at worst we’re on the verge of burnout or in the midst of a midlife crisis. But what if it’s a healthy sign? A sign that you’re evolving? A sign that you’ve learned what you truly need to live a satisfying life? A sign that you no longer need someone else to tell you who you are, because you’re reconnecting with your true spirit? And, what’s possible if that was the perspective you used to guide you through the discomfort of reclaiming your life?

When the messages in our environment tell us one thing and our soul tells us another, amping up the volume of that little voice inside us makes all the difference. It determines whether we create the lives we want or succumb to a life that’s not our own. My hope is that my writing helps you amplify your own inner voice.

I write to offer a different perspective, a more hopeful lens to view life. To tame those voices that hold you back with narratives that help you recognize your own strength. And to nurture your inner spirit through lessons that show the powerful gift you are to the world when you give yourself the love you deserve. Are you ready to take a fresh leap into life with me?