I recently participated in a workshop with Kim Brooks, a somatic practitioner and a collaborator in my wellness community. Kim and I connected around our shift out of education into the wellness industry, choices rooted in a deep belief that the well-being of educators and other like-hearted leaders isn’t given the attention that’s truly needed.
In her workshop, Kim talked about common patterns that leaders fall into and the need to disrupt those patterns to regulate their nervous system. The first pattern she named was one that resonated deeply with me because I saw it so frequently during my career in education – holding other people’s emotions.
I’d had a lot of experience as a school principal helping people to navigate the impact other people’s emotions had on them – kids worked up because their best friend was ready to fight, teachers distraught by the trouble in students’ lives, administrators carrying the weight of parents’ anger and frustration after a conversation about their child’s behavior. I became skilled at staying composed, creating space for people to express themselves, and supporting them in processing their feelings so they could go on with the rest of their day. My ability to be the calming force for everyone else was a gift I was grateful to have as a leader.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that in holding all that space for other people’s emotions, I wasn’t giving myself the same opportunity to feel, let alone process my own. That realization didn’t come to me until years later, when I was studying to become a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach.
The program I was enrolled in took a holistic approach to health. In one of the modules, a guest speaker started talking about our body’s natural need to release emotions. I don’t know what else she said because the memory of a night I sobbed myself to sleep came rushing back.
It was my last day of being a school principal and an easy day – the middle of the summer break, the principal replacing me was transitioning in, and all I had on my agenda were a few meetings. I shared laughs with team members, tried not to cry as people hugged me goodbye, then left with a quick glance backwards at the school where I had started my teaching career and come back to serve as the principal.
As I pulled out of the parking lot, the tears came. I wasn’t surprised. That school, my colleagues, the kids and the community meant a lot to me. I had learned so much about individual people and families during my time there, as well as the highs and lows of the human experience. I had been pushed by extreme circumstances and learned that I was capable of more than I’d ever imagined. I was also forced to face my limitations. It made sense that I was sad to leave a place and the people who had played such a huge role in my journey.
But then I kept crying...
And crying...
And CRYING!
Hours later, when my husband was leaving for his night shift, he paused in our doorway and looked at me. I can only imagine the mess he saw! Here was his 39-year-old wife with a successful career sobbing like a hungry, tired, inconsolable toddler. He’d been surprised to find me that way when he woke up and the fact that things hadn’t improved made him uncomfortable leaving me alone.
“I’m fine,” I stammered through a stream of snot and tears. “I’m just SAAAAAAAAAD!”
The tears were gone the next morning. The only clues that the incident even happened were my puffy eyes and the mounds of balled up tissues. I went on to my new job and forgot all about the hours I’d spent sobbing uncontrollably. Until that guest speaker started talking about the role of emotional release in our health.
I wasn’t just sad that day! I was releasing everything I had held on to during my five years as principal! All of my emotions that I’d suppressed so that I could make room to help others with theirs came pouring out of me the moment I was no longer responsible for that school. I had trained my body to hold everything in and the second it had a chance my body pushed it all out!
We’ve come a long way in shifting the narrative that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, but the stigma is still there. Leaders get an extra dose of that stigma.
All leaders have to work with people, bearing the responsibility of making sometimes unpopular decisions and the emotional weight of people’s dissatisfaction when they can’t solve all problems. Good leaders learn to keep their emotions in check so that they can listen as others share how they feel.
But how many leaders learn the importance of caring for their own emotional needs? That wasn’t part of my master’s program or any professional learning workshops I attended. By the time I was a principal, I was so out of touch with my emotions that I didn’t realize there was anything to care for.
And how many leaders get the message that there isn’t time for their own needs because something or someone else is always waiting for their attention? Kids in crisis, overworked teachers, demanding parents, increased accountability measures...I barely had time to think about myself let alone to make room for what I needed.
I see things differently now. There was always another crisis to diffuse, another initiative to implement, another person waiting to talk, to ask for help, or to fire off complaints. There was no such thing as getting ahead or catching up.
What was possible, though, was finding times throughout the day to check in with myself. What I could have done was prioritize my own well-being, knowing that I could only give others my best when I was balanced, centered and grounded.
I still appreciate my ability to manage my emotions, but I also now know that I need to create space for them.
I have this funny image in my mind of seeing a fight break out at the end of the school hallway. Students are shouting and crowding around. Teachers are scrambling to disperse the crowd, while administrators are throwing themselves into the middle of the fight. Instead of rushing to help, I pause...look up...and ask myself...How does this make me feel?
Sometimes life moves too fast for us to check in with ourselves when we need it most. But as Kim mentioned in her workshop, there are ways to disrupt unhealthy patterns. If I could give advice to my former self, at the time when rushing to break up fights and have parents scream at me for suspending their children afterwards was a regular occurrence, I would suggest three things:
Make time to acknowledge the hard parts of each day and to give yourself compassion. It doesn’t have to be a huge block of time to journal, reflect or repeat loving affirmations, although that’s all great! Turn off the radio and talk to yourself on your drive home. Pause for a few moments in the shower with a hand on your heart and your eyes closed. Or talk to God or whatever higher power you believe in before going to bed. What’s important is treating yourself with the same human dignity and compassion that you, as a heart-led leader, give to others.
Remind yourself that your emotions are a powerful force to embrace, not a detriment to leadership. In my post-education career, I coach people using Human Design, a system that identifies 50% of the population as having an emotional authority. In other words, half of us are meant to develop an understanding of our emotional waves and to use that understanding to help us navigate our lives. We not only waste energy trying to suppress how we feel, we can actually drive ourselves out of alignment, making ourselves unwell and even sick. As for the other 50% who operate differently, being in touch with your emotions is still powerful – it keeps us connected to what it means to be human and helps us understand the people we serve.
Find people who understand the emotional challenges of leadership and who support your well-being. I’m not talking about happy hours every Friday. While the camaraderie works for some, happy hours often feel more like gripe sessions and unhealthy group numbing. Finding people who make you feel well can be challenging. It may require you to test some friendships, to see who can go deep in a way that feels supportive. It may take finding a therapist or hiring a coach whose sole purpose is to hold space for you. Then there’s the FreshLeap Life community, the community that Kim and I have created alongside other guides because we know how important a nourishing environment is for our well-being, and how hard that type of environment can be to find.
When you’ve spent years holding in your emotions because it was necessary, the thought of letting them back in can seem like opening Pandora’s box. But it doesn’t have to feel that way. When you remind yourself that you are human and that your humanity is what the world needs, you’ve already taken the most important step in the journey.
And if your body needs a long, ugly, snotty cry, let it have its way. I promise it’s worth it.
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