Why I Decided to Have a 'Disciplined Girl Summer'

“Discipline is the highest (or greatest) form of self-love” - Someone on Reddit… probably

I have spent every summer since I was 16 aspiring to have the perfect “hot girl summer”, and every year I felt like it was missing a little something. ‘A little grit ’ was the only way I could describe it for a while. Each year I spent the months going on trips to see friends, indulging in the sunlight and bikini season, going to parties, and putting my entire life on the internet each step of the way.

Now, I am not one to say that this is a bad way to spend the summer. I would happily do it any year. But I needed a summer of change for me, and for the people I impact when I really lock in. I was mindlessly scrolling (I know, work with me here), and came across the opening quote. In popped the idea that what if instead of focusing on having a “hot girl summer”, I focused on having a disciplined girl summer.

After a tough winter and a Spring full of beautiful changes, I knew that was what I needed to reset and be present in the dream life I was building and living each day. I sat down and evaluated where I could grow and align myself more clearly with my goals, and got to work. I identified why previous lock-ins felt hard, whether it was impossibly long to-do lists or avoiding punishment, rather than seeking reward. I consulted research in my field written about habits, read Atomic Habits by James Clear (duh), and got to work.

Before we get into what I actually came up with, it is important to talk about why self-discipline is actually one of the keys to developing a sense of self-worth.

For a long time, I treated every lapse in consistency as an excuse to stop. A missed workout became the end of a routine. A distracted week meant the writing schedule had failed. Instead of adjusting the plan, I would abandon it, wait for another Monday, and try to return as a more disciplined version of myself. Starting over felt hopeful in the moment, but over time, it began to carry a psychological cost.

Research suggests that failing to meet a goal can affect more than the goal itself. In two experimental studies, Höpfner and Keith (2021) found that goal failure was associated with decreases in positive emotion, self-esteem, and motivation. Meaning repeatedly setting ambitious expectations and falling short can feel so discouraging, and it can begin to shape how we see our own capability. Eventually, “I did not follow this plan” can become “I am someone who never follows through.” \

On the flip side, Yosopov et al. (2024) found that perfectionism and procrastination were connected to fear of failure and the tendency to overgeneralize failure. For me, that can look like allowing one imperfect day to define an entire week or treating one abandoned goal as proof of a permanent character flaw. When every setback becomes an indictment of who we are, continuing imperfectly can feel more difficult than quitting and beginning again later.

Tying these together, in order to be successful at reshaping your habits, you have to leave room for failure AND learning to persist through it. Missing the gym on Monday does not excuse missing the gym the rest of the week. Having a “cheat night” after a hard work day does not ruin the commitment to yourself to eat better. It means you are human, and empathy for yourself allows you to show up better when you try again next time. If you procrastinate getting back on track, then you perpetuate that narrative that you are unable to change every day you go past the habit until your “start over” day.

My version of discipline is built around maintaining feminine balance while I am locked in, and that does not mean only doing what feels comfortable or abandoning my responsibilities whenever something becomes difficult. Softness without boundaries can become avoidance, and rest without intention can become stagnation. At the same time, discipline does not have to involve punishment, rigidity, or treating exhaustion like proof that I am working hard enough. Research suggests that self-compassion can reduce maladaptive perfectionism and emotional distress without eliminating healthy ambition (Woodfin et al., 2021). To me, that means accountability can still exist without cruelty towards myself.

Feminine discipline also leaves room for variation in rhythm with my body and it’s natural cycles. I don’t need to perform at the same level every day in order to consider myself consistent. Energy, focus, mood, and physical capacity naturally change, and ignoring those changes can lead to burnout or another dramatic reset (which we have all read is not mentally helpful). Research on goal adjustment has linked adapting expectations and redirecting effort toward attainable goals with greater self-efficacy, self-esteem, positive emotion, and life satisfaction (Kappes & Greve, 2024). In practice, that might mean lifting lighter instead of skipping the gym, choosing yoga instead of forcing an intense workout, or completing one important task instead of abandoning the entire day.

Rest is also a built in part of the plan, not something that has to be earned after everything else is finished. Relaxation, mentally disconnecting from work, and participating in personally meaningful activities have been associated with greater well-being, creativity, engagement, and lower exhaustion (Headrick et al., 2023). This is why I put equal importance on pleasure, creativity, and rest, as my fitness, nutrition, and work goals.

For me femininity in discipline is not about avoiding effort or discomfort. It is about refusing to believe that growth has to come through constant force. It is structure with room to breathe, accountability without self-abandonment, and the ability to adjust without giving up. I still expect myself to follow through, but I want to do so in a way that keeps me connected to my body, creativity, pleasure, and emotional well-being (for my own sanity).