How Every Day Rituals Gave Me My Life Back

Preface:

Please note that this writing is a very adapted and shortened version of a recent class I taught at the “Women Upping Their Game” Conference. There is a lot I didn’t touch on (that I hope to in future writings), and a lot deeper we could go. Please feel free to ask questions, attend future classes on this topic, and do your own further research!

I am someone who has struggled with pretty recurring depressive episodes since leaving an abusive relationship when I was in college. At my worst, I struggled with excessive drinking, risk-taking behavior, and overspending that all could have easily destroyed my life if I let them go on. Thankfully, I quickly began to recognize my triggers and finally decided to choose myself and get better. When I talk to people about mental illness, they often don’t realize that, like with any illness, we are meant to hit a remission stage where our symptoms either slow to a manageable level or disappear altogether. As a Counseling Master’s student, I actively study the patterns of behavior that give individuals the ability to hit that “remission” phase. Now, this is not to say that those facing active oppression, deep poverty, active trauma, or other completely life-altering events will be able to take the following advice and feel better. I wish I could say that was the case, but I would be selling you bullshit. What I can say is for those feeling overwhelmed, burnt out from everyday life, dealing with regular relationship issues, or simply in what I would call a “rut,” this one is for you.

My golden secret to getting my life back during a difficult time is simple and something that anyone can do with little to no monetary resources. It is to return to the rituals that give meaning to the mundane in my life and to maintain routines that rest my nervous system. Our brains like structure and predictability; they create the foundational feeling that we are safe. In a world that makes us constantly feel like we are being chased by a bear, we have to find some time to let our minds and bodies feel safe. Our brains also like to slow down and care for ourselves and our homes, and prefer to look at pretty things (which is why clutter and sweats may not make you feel like hot shit). Both rituals and routines are important, but what is the difference between them? First, routines are habitual actions performed out of efficiency or necessity. They do not help us romanticize, but they do help us do what we need to do to reach a baseline level of hygiene and functioning. That is not to say that things we do as routines cannot be rituals, but it is also okay to do some things without using a ton of brain power. The cons of rituals (and the reason why many people do not keep up with them) is because they demand brain power, which can feel counterintuitive to the goal of reducing mental load. But the reality is that by doing them, we are working to increase our confidence and self-assurance in a specific area that the ritual intention we set (we will get there in a minute) works to target. The symbolic nature forces presence, purpose, and meaning, all things the self-actualizing part (or evolved self) needs to reach peak happiness.