How to Support Troubled Youth and Their Families

I wrote and rewrote the opening to this essay because what I’m disclosing today is hard and I’ve never written about it publicly before. When I was in my 20s, I lost both of my younger brothers to suicide, in separate events four years apart. My brother Donald was 16 when he died, and I was 23. My brother Steven was 25 when he died, and I was 27. (Please don’t jump to any conclusions about my parents; we’ll come back to this). I drafted many different versions of my brothers’ stories and my experiences of their deaths, emphasizing different things, increasing the level of detail, removing detail, spinning it this way, spinning it that. Then I shared a draft with my family. My mom was like, “You don’t need to dwell too long on the personal examples,” and she was right – as she almost always is – and her guidance was liberating.

Because, although I’ll say a little more about my brothers along the way, the purpose of today’s post isn’t to tell the story of my hard losses, but rather to explore how aunties and other loving adults can support young people going through dark times, and also support their families. I wanted to start by letting you know about my losses, though, because I want you to know that I’m writing this post from hard ground. Troubled youth aren’t an abstraction to me – they’re not just something that happens in other people’s families. Hard and scary things can and do happen in our own communities, as close to home as it gets, and we’re going to be very real about this in today’s post.

This essay hasn’t just been tricky to write, it’s also been a long time coming. I’ve been planning it for months but delayed repeatedly, not only because of the hard facts I’m disclosing about my own life, but also because of the brutal truths I’ll be asking you to face with me: that having a troubled kid can happen to good and loving parents, and that we often have less control than we’d like to believe.

I’m sorry. I know. But please stay with me, because troubled kids and their families badly need their people to turn toward them, not away. They need the aunties in their lives to be present and steady, and that requires us to be brave.

Today, we’re turning toward the most terrifying situation parents and caregivers ever face: when it’s unclear if the young people we love are even safe. I’m referring to youth struggling with substance abuse or mental illness or suicidality, youth who are harming themselves or others, kids who are unhoused or having run-ins with law enforcement. We’ll be exploring how aunties can support these young people and their families – especially their primary caregivers, who really need loved ones in their corner when their kids are in a dark place.

Aunties can be fundamental in such times. Aunties are the ones parents hope will be around for their kids when things get hard – and conversely, the “when things get hard” scenario is one of the major whys of aunties. We are a safety net. We are a refuge. When a young person runs, dear god, may they run to us.

Now, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or more young people you care about have been through – or are currently going through – scary times. If you’re a parent or alloparent with a troubled young person in your life, I hope today’s essay will be a resource for you. If you’ve been there in the past, I hope you will feel seen and perhaps access some catharsis (and gosh, I hope the kid you love is doing okay). And if the young people in your life are currently and always have been happy and thriving, hallelujah: may it always be so. You might, however, read or save this post in case you ever need to support a loved one whose kid is in the throes of trouble at some point in the future. Unfortunately, it’s not unlikely.

To be clear, I am not a licensed clinician. Some of what follows, I know from having troubled young people in my own life – not only my brothers, but also extended family members, family members of friends, and several former students. (Indeed, after losing my brothers as I had, the death by suicide of a student I was close to was one of the biggest factors in my leaving the classroom). Some of what I’ll talk about today comes from having been alongside loved ones as they navigate rough waters with their own kids. Some comes from my training as a teacher, experience as a teacher educator, and expertise as an education researcher. Basically, what follows is part professional expertise and part school of hard knocks.

Okay, let’s do this.