Forgiveness

This evening, I opened a private message from a friend who asked, “how does one learn to forgive?” This is the message I sent him in response.

I have been blessed to not have been wronged too severely in my life, so the offenses I have had to forgive are perhaps more minor than many offenses which are committed each day. However, I will still give my perspective. I think two things must be enacted in order to learn to forgive.

First, we should meditate upon the colloquialism “fake it till you make it.” At its core, this phrase helps remind us of the causal relationship between action and being. Here is what I mean: if we have a desire to be a particular way, we must begin by acting accordingly, even if we feel like it is inauthentic or coming from a place of uncertainty. Over time, as we develop a habit of acting in this way, it subtly integrates itself into our being, eventually becoming instinctual. If we wish to embody the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), we must start by disciplining ourselves to practice these virtues. Only in parallel with deliberate practice do said virtues embed themselves within us and become natural.

As a side note, Scripture calls the process I described above “sanctification.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23 says, “May the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” In order to successfully learn to forgive, we must remind ourselves of our dependence upon God’s grace in order to become more like Christ. If we endeavor to do it on our own, we risk the overdevelopment of ego and hubris. This process can be characterized as dialectical: sanctification is the concrete synthesis of God’s sovereignty and man’s free will. The life of man is best lived in alignment with God’s plan for him.

Second, and perhaps chiefly, true forgiveness is found in humility and understanding. Many wrongs which are committed from one person to another, even those of horrific and egregious proportion, come from a place of hurt and brokenness within the offender. Some of the offenses we absorb are accidental, which is to say that something inside of us causes us to inflict a wound upon ourselves while perceiving someone else as having inflicted it.

In addition, and I would like to place special emphasis on this point, some of the offenses we experience are the outcome of a relationship which is mutually damaging. Each party sees the other as monstrous and horrible, and they continually lash out at one another, inflicting wounds upon each other, justifying all of their actions as appropriately retaliatory for the other person’s essentially evil character. “The other person is wrong, and they are hurting me!” In order for someone involved in such a relationship to truly forgive the other person, they must admit their involvement in the wrongdoing. They must apologize for their wrongdoing. They must make right their own wrongs (to which they were once blind). True forgiveness is resolution, and for resolution to be achieved, all parties involved must come to a mutual understanding of what took place. They must both understand themselves as flawed and having done damage, but also as redeemable by grace.

This action takes extraordinary courage and humility. It is a denial of one’s self-righteousness. It is a prostration; it is a dropping of the mask. It is not easy. But, as someone who has done it a fair number of times in my life, I can gladly report that it gets easier with each successive repetition.

Maya Kulenovic, “Sea’s End,” 2018