Old Witch-Bitch New Trick

I am happy to report that the patient (ME) is resting comfortably.

Off to a rocky start this morning, I even went so far as to look online for a therapist. Again. Please do check back on ME in a month or two. I’m writing about a visit to a psychiatrist.

This is from my journal this morning. Monica will play the ukulele on that song.

Tired

Print lyrics to cunt song

6:15am. I feel sad. Maybe just tired. Last night I attended the Silver Falls Film Festival at the Palace Theatre. It was sold out. Seventeen short films. Very inspiring. I will enter one of my own films next year. Most of the films were uplifting. Several films were created by children. Amazing. The saddest film was about dogs being stolen. Apparently, about 2 million dogs are stolen every year. That’s why I have mutts. (Not really, but it’s a good soundbite.) Oh fudgecicle. I was just thinking of Kafka then I opened the previously opened Duck Duck window and there he is. I will take a break now. I need to rest before I drink my coffee with a hemlock chaser. https://www.britannica.com/topic/The-Metamorphosis Magic explained: I had Metamorphosis as a favorite. 🏵️

All outta hemlock this morning.

Anyway…

I’m practicing a new thing. It’s like the routine Charlie Chaplin did with rolls on forks except I’ve got wooden shoe forms. Makes me laugh.

See?!? (The video is in Instagram.)

I eventually found something to laugh about. I know I’ll be ok. Okay? O.K.? (These little details get stuck in my blerg and it causes irritation. Maybe there are pearls in my brain? Let’s not look in there.)

This morning I was very sad because my daughter didn’t respond to a text I sent yesterday. I asked her if I could spend the night at her house when I attend a concert in Portland. Grandma doesn’t drive after dark.

The depth of this sadness is cavernous. Hollowing me out. I’m gonna need to do some spelunking.

Then I heard the song “Goodbye Girl”. Why must The Universe torture me? I want one person in this world I can sit with and I get to fall apart.

Please let me die now. I feel so stupid. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what I did wrong. I feel too fragile to ask my own children what I did wrong and if this is fixable. I have been charged, tried, and convicted in absentia. I feel a panic attack coming on.

All the good stuff happening now in my life and I still don’t feel like I am enough. I can do lots of things. I can create costumes and crafts, but my own children, the beautiful creatures I created, the people who are all that matter in the world have no time or care for me.

I am grateful for my life. This morning I saw an amazing sunrise and three hot air balloons. (The balloons are four miles away; very small, above the tallest tree.)

I’ll be ok. I always am. I made a deal with Gawd. Or a god. Or the devil. Doesn’t matter.

Mick Jagger sings “Shine a Light”. Thank you. I needed that. My guts ache. My throat is tight. My eyes are swollen from crying. She that light.

That’s not what I meant to type. “I need light” turned into “she that light”. Maybe.

I get so tired of being alone. I need a person to witness my collapse. I need to fall apart in someone’s arms. Just hold me. Then I will be ok.

I forget how strong I am. I must fall apart alone. I must dissolve and rebuild alone. This hurts.

Finding a therapist who could help me is a challenge. I need a comprehensive plan for integrating massive amounts of information. I have been disappointed over and over by the lack of coordination any therapist has used to help me heal from an extremely high number of traumatic life experiences.

So…

I’m fine. No really. I will rest today and listen to live music tonight. Live music is my favorite medicine. And I’m a swinger.

When was the last time you did this?

#WeMayNeverPassThisWayAgain 🎶