Assembling the Village

Confession: I don’t play with my kids. I don’t push them on the swings. I won’t last long at a pretend meal chewing on invisible food. I take them to fun places and to see fun people, but I am myself not a fun person for a young child to hang out with.

Once, this came up in conversation. Maya replied, “I like you how you are.”

Maybe we can’t be all things to our children. But maybe we’re enough.

As a parenting adult, I take very seriously my responsibility to make sure my kids’ needs are met. But I see too many of us trying to meet those needs ourselves. There is a belief in our culture that the perfect parent is a chef, chauffeur, tutor, playmate, confidante, etc. etc. (Who also has a gorgeous, clean home. Don’t worry, I didn’t fall into this trap and have never attempted to have a gorgeous or clean home.) What if we reframed our job as assembling a village that could meet our kids’ needs?

Your kid needs to play. One adult does not (should not?) need to be the main playmate.

Your kid needs to eat. That doesn’t mean you have to be the main person cooking meals that are healthy, delicious, and grown from your garden.

What if we as individuals don’t have to be all things to our kids? The reality is, one person or two people can’t and shouldn’t meet all of our needs. Sometimes I think of life as a lottery, where you might get the Parent Who Plays Tag or the Grandparent Chef or the Aunty Who Plays Dungeons and Dragons.

Obviously, our kids have basic survival needs to be met, and there are skills we should all have a minimum proficiency in. But beyond that, we’re going to vary wildly in what we have to offer our kids. I wish there were more parenting books about finding YOUR style. What unique skills, knowledge, and experiences do you have to offer a young person? Which parenting tasks will come naturally to you, which ones can you let go of, and which ones should you take the time to work on? We can build a beautiful village made up of a huge variety of humans who work together to meet a child’s needs.

Our village includes:

• Family: We are very lucky to have grandparents, aunts, and uncles involved in the kids’ lives. At each age, these relationships have looked different. You might have a Baby Whisperer, Someone to Watch Movies With, or Cool Uncle in your family.

• Neighbors: Maybe you live near people who have kids, are good with kids, or can help you with non-kid tasks. The Neighbor Who Babysits or the Neighbor Who Fixes Your Plumbing. Put some feelers out, because you’re sharing space either way.

• Villagers: People around town who connect with your kids. Sometimes, they’re the ones you expect, like the local children’s librarian. Sometimes, it’s totally unexpected, like the banker with pink hair who loves board games.

• School: School is a huge piece of the puzzle for most families, and I get it. A peer group for each kid and a team of experts in one building. Even free transportation. If you’re homeschooling, you can find a local group or civic organization or camp that fills some of these roles.

• Children: Kids need peers, but they also need to be around all different ages. Younger kids teach us to be responsible role models and keep us playful and joyful. Older kids can teach us skills and inspire us to become responsible community members.

• Experts: Do you have a friend in the medical field that you can text photos of rashes? Is one of your friends good at sewing? Draw from whatever expertise the people in your village have. Contractual relationships, e.g. paying for a class, can still bring an important person and skill set into your village.

It definitely takes work and time to build a village, and more work and time to sustain those relationships and find new villagers when needs change. But it seems like a much better investment of your time and energy, compared to getting good at every parenting skill yourself or cloning yourself so you can be the Parent Who Does Everything. And maybe we can just feel good about being Parents Who Provided Enough.

Reach out if your kid needs an Aunty Who Takes You to Fun Places But Does Not Play with You.