The Inconvenient Truth About Cycle-Breaking

I’ve been coaching for 10 years and spoken to hundreds (arguably thousands if you count my free FB group) about their goals, ideals, wishes, and hopes for their children. I wrote a whole section of my book about it. But no matter how visionary we are, if our own nervous system is shot, it is always going to feel substantially harder to be the cycle-breaker.

Our ability to parent consciously and with ease requires us to be well rested, in good health, financially stable enough, have shelter, clothing, food, and clean water. We need community, partnership, healthy relationships to lean into and find support. In short - we need all layers of safety to be met for parenting to feel fairly smooth and intuitive.

When we’re generally safe, we can be present, we can dig deep into our body sensations, find cues to assess our needs quickly before they become demands from our bodies, we can practice stillness and bask in awe and wonder at the tiny human we created figuring out how to live this crazy life.

When we are in some version of survival, it’s very hard to slow down and be present, to remember to empathize, to consider their perspective before we bark. We get stuck in chaos and turmoil or rigidity and control. We can use a soft voice and still be radiating stress or anxiety or irritation.

I don’t say this to be a Debby-downer; I say this because MANY of us think “kids come first” means we can’t take the necessary time to care for our own nervous systems. In truth, when we provide a sense of safety to ourselves - we ARE putting our kids first. Our wellbeing as mothers is inextricably tied to our kids wellbeing. When we take up space and resources in our family - we are helping our family. When we risk vulnerability and ask for help, we are helping our kids too.

Can we still do it when we’re chronically ill, financially stressed, in a less than ideal relationship - yes we can. But it IS harder. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking it’s a “you” problem. It’s an environment and resourcing problem. I always start out looking for ways to support the mother. She knows not to yell already. So if she can’t stop - what is causing so much stress to her system? How can we add cues of safety to her life so she can balance the scales in her (and her children’s) favor. This part of the process cannot be done through shame or hate. It must be done through compassionate witnessing, trust, attunement, empathy, respect, and dignity.

Yes, your goals and your vision matter! But you still need the ingredients to “bake the cake” - can you substitute applesauce for oil? Yes, but you can’t just hold that applesauce and say it’s cake without the flour, sweetener, binder, etc. My job is to look at what you’re trying to make and help you create it, while holding the reality of your situation and the belief that there is enough creativity between us to figure out the right recipe for your family.

Please approach cycle-breaking as an opportunity to break the cycle of self criticism and shame within yourself too. I love our focus on kids. And I know that to truly focus on kids we have to also focus on the parents and helping them resource, refuel, and reclaim their power so they can embody that deeply felt, relationship nourishing, S.U.R.E. Parenting way of living. And if you’re Cycle-breaking alone, you don’t have to be. Cycle Breakers Circle is the Skool I created to do this exact work consistently so you can help yourself heal and find ease in your cycle-breaking journey. We’d be honored to have you walking alongside us.