How to Build Your Own Presidential Guard

I have learned that every durable regime knows that control over the army is necessary and useful, but the men with access to the tanks often change their minds. That’s why you need a Presidential Guard.

The Presidential Guard exists to create a hard crust between you, the military and the populace. This guard will defend your interests against all of the plotters and those who create coups. Fortunately, I have created a short and stout instruction manual to insulate yourself from the weasels.

You need to focus on loyalty in building an efficient Presidential Guard. Talent comes second. The first step is to recruit people you trust.

A prime candidate would be someone such as a your friend who was decent at football and is still moderately athletic. Dress him up in your uniforms to portray a strong, robust guard. Also, perhaps you have a cousin who owes you money. He can pay you back with service and obtain further riches from you following your orders. Two good examples of friends and relatives that you can use to insulate yourself. You know them, you trust them, and you will pay them.

A good example of smart selection would include Saddam Hussein’s Iraqi Republican Guard. Saddam did not entrust the safety of his palaces to the Iraqi army. His special guard were recruited mostly around the city of Tikrit and included those within Saddam’s extended tribal network. He gave them the good equipment, fattened their wallets and comfortable duties in Baghdad.

The force was commanded at one point by a cousin of Saddam who was also an aspiring actor, Saddam Kamel. In the end the guard was ran by Saddam’s son, Qusay Hussein to ensure utmost loyalty within the ranks.

Another units to study would be Muammar Gaddafi’s Revolutionary Guard Corps. This unit was also stuffed with tribal alliances. At one point, they say it was filled with around 4,000 hand selected men from Gaddafi’s tribal region of Sirte.

A few of their duties involved generally monitoring the populace for suspicious behavior, enforcing ideological compliance, and hording keys to military stockpiles throughout the country.

You do need specialists to keep things running smoothly. You can’t always hang with your friends and family and entrust them with the top jobs. Luckily, these people are amongst us and more accessible than you think.

I would recommend speaking with your local GameStop cashier. This type of man is comfortable dealing with unpredictable members of the public. He remains calm during big product launches, knows how to lock doors and keep people waiting. Another sleeper is your mailman. He likely yearns for the spoils of power and would jump at the chance to join your presidential guard. Why this profession? He would possess the extremely valuable knowledge of knowing where everybody lives. Another similar profession would be that of the crossing guard at a nearby school intersection. This person knows the vehicles of those who may become your enemies. Be open minded. You might not know these people personally. Go meet them.

The Kim dynasty in North Korea is famous for both recruiting and training specialists from scratch, many of which end up on the Supreme Guard Command. They employ social classification, physical standards, military selection and more to filter of those undesirable for the most important job in the land.

The Supreme Guard Command supposedly has around 100,000 members in North Korea divided into several different departments. They start their search for these candidates as children. Defectors say they pluck students out of schools with an eye for body physique, lack of scars or identifiers, and of course, a good family history (see SONGBUN).

The most interesting part is that once chosen, they can no longer contact their families for very long periods of time. Some reports say a decade plus. This ensures total loyalty to Chairman Kim.

Now that you have a solid line up, you must compensate them generously. A Presidential Guard should never wonder what it is like to have a different job. You must pay them very well. They should get the best food, housing, weapons and shiniest pins and uniforms.

Think outside of the box. Of course you need to take care of their families, give them fast promotions, etc. But really try to wow them. I am talking about a sports car here and there, maybe an imported purebred show dog for a top guardsmen. You need to keep them guessing and motivate them to impress you. Importantly, you must insulate them and create a separate social class from the rest of the populace to ensure loyalty. Overall, they have to feel like they are truly on the team.

Papa doc understood that loyalty was easy to keep when you chopped up the privileges. He had his infamous Tonton Macoute, which was a terrifying paramilitary group who dressed up in denim suits and hats, carried guns and routinely extorted, robbed and taxed the people of Haiti. He gave license to his guys to literally walk around and terrorize everyone to the point that the population lived in perpetual fear.

The Tonton Macoute were intertwined with Haiti’s vodou tradition which made Papa Doc’s control of the island very tight. Many of the senior Tonton officers were vodou practitioners themselves, which gave them a spiritual aura that made them even more effective at screwing with the public. Symbolism was key. They often carried machetes which were weapons but also had references to Ogun, a warrior spirit in vodou.

The name of the group was also frightening. Tonton Macoute, means Uncle gunny sack. This comes from a Haitian folktale about a bogeyman who carried bad kids away in his sack. The population had a superstition about a mysterious force that could appear and snatch people.

A Presidential Guard shouldn’t become more loyal the bosses than to you. You need to regularly transfer, promote, fire, demote, or reassign members of your Presidential Guard before they build out their own little circles of power. A member of the guard is in charge for too long may begin receiving salutes that should be for you and you only.

Remember your cousin who owed you money? Now that he has a shiny uniform, some coin and sway over the general public, he might feel he owes you nothing. That situation would call for informing him of his new insignificant administrative job in a remote province.

Stalin was very good at this activity. He often would mix shit up and reassign important commanders to less important areas. They say that Stalin’s rule of the country, around 6 to 7 million people were sent into internal exile with most to Siberia.

So there it is. A very short but useful guide on what I have learned. Just some quick notes.

A Presidential Guard is only built to ensure you survive. When your palace is threatened, it will probably be by your own army. It is your Presidential Guard who should be there to barricade the doors, and sneak you through the tunnel they made to get you on a gassed up plane to Miami.