The pattern nobody warns you about

Each month a different fertility expert who works with women over 40 joins Solo Fertility 40s for an in-depth QnA.

On Thursday 27th August at 7pm BST, Victoria from All About Embryology will help us understand what's actually happening to your eggs over 40 and what good lab support looks like. Victoria will walks us through which treatments are important at this age, and which are unnecessary add-ons - so you can advocate for what you actually need with confidence.

This is for paid subscribers seeking deeper support. A link will be shared before the call.

Hey,

I always imagined pregnancy to be a time filled with slowing down and sinking into the miracle of new life. But my pregnancy was very different.

Rather than putting my feet up, I found myself re-reading the emails I’d received from women around the world, sharing their difficult experiences. And talking to some for deeper conversations. What I heard was startling.

I thought I’d got unlucky with my own difficult experiences of fertility clinics. But talking to them helped me realise I was part of a pattern.

When I started writing here on Substack, I never expected women to reach out because they recognised themselves in my stories. But they did.

I listened to what happened to them. What surprised them. What they wish they’d known before they walked into their first clinic.

And that’s when the pattern became clear.

The women who wrote to me weren’t telling me about bad luck. They were describing a gap between what they expected and what they got. Between being treated like an informed decision-maker and being patted on the head and told to be optimistic.

One woman told me: “Full faith in the medical team, don’t question anything, because I just didn’t know any better.”

Another said: “When I went in for my first IVF… I would have liked to be told there are different protocols, different drugs, each does a slightly different thing.”

A third: “They wasted an entire year of my fertility with a rigid protocol that didn’t apply to me.”

These weren’t complaints, they were patterns, repeated across dozens of conversations, referencing different clinics and countries. Each time, it outlined a woman over 40, intelligent and capable, entering a commercial system unprepared because no one gave them the framework they needed.

The women who navigated this best came with clarity. They knew what mattered. They weren’t relying on hope - they were relying on preparation. This is what going in well-informed looks like:

1. Start with the prep guide. Before you talk to any clinic, read the guide that teaches you what to prepare for. It’s the orientation clinics won’t give you. Five steps over five days to plan your treatment.

2. Don’t be fooled by a page 1 ranking and a shiny website. They indicate marketing budget, not medical quality. Reputation can obscure what actually matters - whether the clinic will communicate clearly with you, individualise your protocol and whether they will set expectations accurately.

3. Understand that clinics are a business with commercial objectives. Once you know that, you stop expecting them to protect you and start preparing to protect yourself.

Good things happen when women talk. When they share what actually happened. When they compare notes and realise the system isn’t built to protect them - it’s built to sell them treatment.

I discovered an informal network while I was researching. Women sharing tips, protocols, medicines, red flags. Recommendations for clinics. Warnings about doctors. Real information, peer to peer, filling the gap that clinics and websites leave empty.

Women wrote to me. Now I write to you.

The women who broke the pattern weren’t smarter or luckier. They just walked in knowing what to look for and what to say no to. Preparation isn’t something you’re born with - it’s something you choose. And you can choose it before you invest figure figures with a clinic.

You’re solo - but not alone.

Sarah

P.S. Want to talk through your next steps? I’m offering free 30-minute Strategy Sessions this month. Limited slots available. Book here.

Plus: I’ve been writing here for almost two years - over 90 free stories on everything from my own cycles in Spain and Greece to navigating the fertility industry and becoming a solo mother at 44. It's time to provide more targeted support to those who need it.

The paid tier gives you access to two deep dives per month and a live QnA with a fertility expert who works with women over 40.

I’m Sarah. I write about what happens when solo women over 40 enter the fertility system - the things they’re not told, the costly decisions they’re expected to navigate often without proper guidance, and what women really need to know before they spend five figures.