Merger Madness in the National Parks!

Xanterra President and CEO Zan Boden has announced that he is launching a hostile takeover of rival Delaware North, seeking a merger of two of the main concessionaires of food and lodging in National Park Service units.

Delaware North President, CEO and Chairman of the Board Don C. Dover said Boden has only two titles to his three, in his first, snarky response. He also noted that Delaware North had revenues almost four times that of Xanterra.

“It’s ridiculous,” he said in an initial statement. “I don’t know where this idea even came from. We’re a bigger company, we’re well run, and we have types of operations where Xanterra has no experience.”

Xanterra, which mainly runs U.S. national parks concessionaire operations, has about $1 billion annual revenue with around 10,000 employees. Delaware North has many non-American operations, primarily at airports around the globe. In the United States, it also has a number of sports stadium concession operations. It has revenues of nearly $4 billion.

Xanterra’s Boden said the acquisition would provide new efficiencies in U.S national park and other American resort and recreational tourism hospitality, while allowing the combined company to look at putting Delaware North’s other operations in another division.

Xanterra, whose past slogan has been “At least we’re not Delaware North,” said the new company would keep its name.

Dover, whose company’s slogan is “Who’s Xanterra,” laughed at the idea, but promised to firmly resist the idea.

Aramark CEO Bob Badger, whose company owns the concessions and hospitality at Yosemite and a few other sites, refused to comment if this sparked acquisition ideas from his own company. He did promise that he would have a specially trademarked acquisition process if his company got involved.

In response to past jockeying between his company and Delaware North, Boden promised that he would have Dover be part of senior officers and that he would rename the company.

‘I think Ahwahnee is good,” he said, before a staffer whispered in his ear that that name was unavailable.

“I think Yokut is even better as a name for a concessionaire,” Boden corrected. “And, I am pretty sure that has no copyright or trademark issues.”

Boden then doubled down on efficiencies he expected would happen.

“Beyond the old phrase about ‘making the trains run on time,’ I will make the toilets flush on time and in line. We will have new creativity with food menus and items. New ideas in lodging will be considered. We will even consider asking the Park Service to privatize campground operations. We will leave no stone unturned, and no sausage undercooked, in our effort, should this merger be approved.”