Welcome to another issue of The Shit List, the premium newsletter from the writers of Shit Towns of Australia and Shit Holidays. This week, we review energy drinks and rank the top 10 shittest energy drinks.
The staple diet of dudes named Kyle who wear tattoos and Lynx body spray in lieu of shirts and struggle with the concept of consent, energy drinks are a concoction of allegedly vitalising substances that supposedly improve performance, sharpen focus and make your dick bigger. In reality, energy drinks contain heart-stopping levels of caffeine, enough sugar to give a moose type 2 diabetes, and a bunch of nonsense like guarana (which sounds like something made out of squished geckos) and taurine (which sounds like bull piss). Pouring all this crap down your gullet can cause elevated blood pressure, cardiac arrest and even death.
Less ‘gives you wings’ and more ‘gives you heart palpitations’, energy drinks are basically anxiety in a can. Not content with giving you panic attacks and more tremors than a Hitachi Magic Wand, energy drinks also napalm your digestive system. Containing a litany of lab-created chemicals, they are basically Agent Orange for your colon — perfect if you are trying to create radioactive diarrhoea. Energy drinks also raise the risk of erectile dysfunction, leaving a whole slew of alpha males with alpha embarrassment in the bedroom.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.