Not An Excerpt From Our Book

G’day to all our subscribers of Shit Towns of Australia, Shit Holidays and The Shit List.

As you may be aware, we have a book coming out in November called Sh*t Moments in Australian Sport. And if you are one of the majority of our subscribers who hail from the Unlucky Country, you may also be aware that the Australian cricket team recently shit the bed in a Test against Bangladesh.

A few punters asked us if the debacle would feature in the book. Alas, it is too late to include it — but we decided to write it up anyway. Please enjoy the book entry that would have been. If you want more of this sort of thing, you can pre-order Sh*t Moments in Australian Sport right now, right here.

WHAT HAPPENED: In a city less famous for its cricketing heritage and more for a surprise Japanese attack, Bangladesh launched their own cricketing Pearl Harbour, defeating the vaunted Aussie team by nine wickets in arguably the worst Test loss in Australian cricket history.

The biggest question facing most of the Australian team on day one was ‘Where are we playing golf on days four and five?’ The second biggest question was ‘Who are most of these blokes in Bangladesh caps?’

The two-match midwinter series against Bangladesh (a.k.a. Pakistan Junior) was touted as the ideal warmup for the run of 21 Tests in 12 months, and Australia was primed to go 21-0 and culminate in a World Test Championship victory — the perfect off-ramp for the golden generation of Smith, Cummins, Hazlewood, Starc and Lyon. Instead, Darwin was witness to a stunning display of cricketing ineptitude.

The Australian defeat was complete. The slightly perplexing decision to bat first on an unfamiliar deck that seemed to favour the bowlers was followed by a braindead batting display that ranged from idiotic (Smith, Marnus) to completely feral (Weatherald, Marnus). The subsequent bowling attack relied on reputation and an assumption that the Bangladeshi batsmen would play their part by remembering they were supposed to be rubbish. Spoiler alert: they didn’t!

WHY IT’S SHIT: A team laden with ageing superstars led by the cartel was expected to dismiss Bangladesh easily and be on the back nine of Darwin Golf Club late on day three. Instead they faced a cricketing Chernobyl that couldn’t be blamed on dodgy conditions, poor umpiring or errant sheets of sandpaper. This wasn’t even a ‘plucky underdog trips up a highly touted favourite with a jammy seat of their pants upset’. This was a cricketing domination that saw Australia get utterly spanked by a team of blokes who narrowly avoided working in a sweatshop or a ship-breaking yard.

Too much T20? Not enough preparation? Undue loyalty to a group of weathered veterans? Frankly there aren’t enough excuses to go around to explain this absolute travesty. Fortunately, it does allow the Australian sporting public to engage in their second favourite summer sport — bagging the shit out of the Australian cricket team.