When I’m alone but not {{ posts | limit:5 | order:dec }} … issues\ the promise\ introductions\ when I’m not but alone...
I've been thinking about how sometimes when your friends tease you, say jokes that could be hurtful in another context, or make you the subject of some contrived situation or question. I've found I never resist or counter. I was on the bus thinking about this. I think its because to hurt someone, you need to know something about them. The same way hate is not the opposite of love but just a…
i dont know if ive mentioned before how i started choking myself. not the painful kind where you cant breath but the one that can be gentle and kind. its called a blood choke but idk if thats the technical term. you aim for the artery to your brain. theres meant to be this little Y junction where they meet and you press on that to restrict or cut off flow. i thought it was a suicidal act. i think…
today i had some thoughts i wanted to write down. i was reflecting on us. myself as a system. right now there are 3 broadly distinct identities that have slowly solidified more over the past 2ish years at uni. right now feels like one of those clarity moments when everything that was in flux starts to stabilise and i can actually try to model it. or even see it so clearly it feels like its been…
i have this weird definition of what a friend is. at least i feel like ive adapted to calling it weird. i probably give the word more meaning than others so maybe in some ways my definition is better. my friendliness labels go: stranger acquaintance friendly friend 5+ best friend / partner / lover / idk / etc stranger is pretty self explanatory. acquaintance probably comes in two flavours. whether…
mood log felt so shitty last night. i went to sleep early (like around 8/8:30) and have somehow been awakeish since 12 (its 7 now) idk why i felt that way. by all accounts it was a good day. uni has started and so we had all the new student events. im exec so i was there. i net people. said hello to old acquaintances. but at the end of the day. walking home. i felt like shit. i hated myself. my…
i failed. which hurts. that i couldn’t do it. shima left for a few days. it was lonely. it was hard. i wonder if its better to have no options now. nothing i would choose at least. starve. hypothermia. sleep deprivation. car. jump. when i feel so hurt or so much pain. i have no where to look. no future to desire and hold. i cant say its ok. get through this. we can always just die if its too hard.…
Being on ADHD meds has changed my life. But it was too little too late. I got my script late and handed it in later. That meant it’s taken all this time to get the stock in. In that time I’ve relapsed and spiralled. My life has entered a tailspin. An I’m going to die. ADHD meds saved my life. But like so much it’s too little too late. HRT changed my life too. But I only just started on…
Love has carried me… Since I was 12. Crushes. Fantasies. Dreams. Lovers. Relationships. Friends. The very best of friends. Destined foreverers. …And so love shall carry me away.
I wish they had reached out sooner. I wish I wasn’t overseas. I wish they had tried to understand. I wish they didn’t treat me the same as my siblings. I wish they didn’t treat me differently. I think I’m starting to have an honest conversation about myself and who I want to be. For my entire childhood I had no solid identity except wanting to learn. Technology. And creative fields from…
i will live. i will tell those who care about me how i feel no matter how hurtful it may be. i will love myself more and try to find those who will return the love i give them. i will do my best to live life my own way. as simple or honest or hard as it may be. i will carry the scar and burden or death with me and share it with those who ask. i will live. for as long as i am allowed.