What Am I Doing Here?

Dear JR.

Good news. Your old man stopped singing during bedtime. I must admit, I’m a little sad you’re no longer requesting Dada’s greatest hits from your prime toddler years. I guess that’s life. You two are growing up and are probably sick of hearing my deep, monotone voice sing broken lyrics from my most recent Spotify likes.

Instead, we’ve transitioned from songs to stories, impromptu wrestling matches, and deep philosophical reflections on various topics you’ve requested, ranging from the extinction of the dinos, how to thoroughly clean a V12 Dyson vacuum filter, where babies come from, our old Milton house, your late great-grandfather, and much more.

Nonetheless, I persist. In an effort to keep the spirit of Late Nights and Lullabies alive, I’ve decided it’s time to evolve these renditions into a new series I’m titling Soundtracks To Our Lives.

Now, I hope one day both of you start your own families, and if you do, you’ll face your own peaks and valleys. For me, in these early days, the challenge has always been in finding the balance between performance and presence; between provision and patience. I feel as if I owe you two the world, so I go out and provide. The hardest part is when I leave the door and realize the only thing you want is for me to stay home.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a workaholic, feeling the need to pursue my goals and complete my to-do lists, always optimizing or finding efficiencies. But when you two were born, I realized it’s an impossible task to maintain such a high level of output while balancing my most precious asset: my time with you two and your Mother.

So, how have I found the balance needed to maintain my sanity? Weed helps. I’m joking, of course… A better solution: music. It’s been a saving grace and powerful method for self-reflection. In my Spotify library, a string of songs not only act as a bookmark to the current chapter of my life, but can bring about deeper lessons.

Since I began this journey as a Father in 2020, one artist has made a significant impression on me. His name is Malcolm James McCormick, aka Mac Miller.

Now, at the time I discovered Mac in 2020, I knew next to nothing about him. I knew he had a hit song titled Donald Trump, which was released during my second year in university. Back then, I was listening to movie soundtracks, and the only purpose music served me was mainly background noise for hardcore study sessions. #nerd.

So it was a bit of a tragedy that I discovered Mac’s brilliance and depth posthumously. I recall my friends were in shock when he passed in 2018 at the tender age of 26. We were 27 at the time. Memento Mori takes on a whole new meaning when you become connected to an individual that’s inspired you. Looking back, his loss felt like losing a friend. It made the feeling of death and impermanence for me that much more real.

It didn’t feel like a coincidence when my best friend put me on Mac Miller at the height of my struggles. It was during the pandemic when I was in the trenches with J. Fast forward 19 months, and R arrived. It was a battle, surviving the late nights and early mornings, mustering the energy to perform and be my best at home and work. Every month, on the 11th and 26th, I’d listen to him, and my perspective would change.

He arrived at the perfect time, when I was struggling with self-acceptance, trying to find balance between appreciating what I have in my life, while pushing the limits to attain more. It’s an ongoing battle, one that I don’t think will ever end. However, in the most difficult time of my life, Mac became one of my guardian angels. To commemorate his passing on September 7th, 2019, I dedicate this post to him.

Mac, because of you, when I catch myself in trying times, I pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and reflect on all the great things I have in my life. I can hear your voice echoing in my thoughts, “What am I doing here?” For that, I’m forever grateful to you.

Here are some of my favourite tracks. Boys, one day when you’re older, I hope you’ll give them a listen.

Song: The Question — Mac Miller feat. Lil Wayne

Link to Lyrics | Link to YouTube

Lyrics Worth Pondering

I hope I do what I was meant to do
'Cause I've been searchin' for that answer, I just hope I get it now…
And do we ever get to know the truth?
'Cause everybody seems to have it, but to me it seems they lack it
…
And you don't ever do too much if you could never do enough
Wonder why it's me instead of you, I'll be there to rescue you
Problems, you got several
Thank God that none of that medical
Uh, I've been blessed with, much to be expected

What am I doing here? I wonder what am I doing here…

The first and second verses truly hit hard. When I heard them for the first time, I was forced to reflect on the trappings of modern hustle culture. What is the price of achieving fame or fortune if it ultimately leads to an existential crisis? Think about it while ignoring the third verse by Lil Wayne, you’ll thank me later.

Song: 2009 — Mac Miller

Link to Lyrics | Link to YouTube

Favourite Verse

See, me and you, we ain't that different
I struck the fuck out and then I came back swingin'
Take my time to finish, mind my business
A life ain't a life 'til you live it

This is considered by many, Mac Miller’s swan song, performed wonderfully on Tiny Desk just a few weeks before he passed. It’s a beautiful song with a fabulous intro. For me, it’s a gentle reminder that the ones who inspire you, whether they’re athletes, artists, mentors or teachers, are no different than you. They face failure, regret, and self-doubt. Wherever you are, just don’t give up. Swing for the fences.

Song: Outside — Mac Miller

Link to Lyrics | Link to YouTube

Favourite Verse

Waitin' for my homie Mr. Sun to come our way
Little kids runnin' through the streets playin'
Poppy on the porch, he ain't got time to waste it
He just an old man in the sea, Ernest Hemingway
Elevate, look up in the sky, stare at Heaven's face
…
You ain't gonna get a day like this
So put to rest your troubles with that goodnight kiss

One of my favourites because this track is just a metaphor for our life in this moment. Every single day, we’re outside, at the park, riding bikes and playing. It’s the best.

Till next time.

Thanks for reading.
Much love.
SG

Additional Tracks:

• Small Worlds — Mac Miller

• Nikes on My Feet — Mac Miller

• Woods — Mac Miller

• What’s the Use? — Mac Miller

• Small Worlds — Mac Miller

• My Favorite Part — Mac Miller feat. Ariana Grande

“PediatRx” is written by Dr. Shawn Gill, PharmD - a pharmacist and Father of two boys. During the day he works as a pharmacist and medical science liaison, specializing in family medicine, respirology and pediatrics, with a special interest in deprescribing and helping his patients reduce their medication needs. At night, he writes this Substack. “PediatRx” is a collection of personal anecdotes and contemplative musings, crafted into a practical “prescription” for parents. The goal is to share insights, foster hope and inspire fellow parents to raise and nurture resilient children, in a post-pandemic world. To support this effort, subscribe below. Many thanks.