The New Rites of Passage

Taking my son to his first day of Secondary School felt small and monumental in equal measure.

Seriously, where has all the Time gone?

Time just seems on a relentless march these days. My older son now has just four years of school left.

My two boys have been lucky; they’ve had deeply human and intentional “graduation” and welcoming rites at their old and new schools. That’s why I was really distressed by Richard V Reeves’ point about Rites of Passage for young men (and women) overall, however, fast disappearing.

For many of the Leaders I’m lucky to work with, it’s a similar trend. It’s like jumping from one treadmill to the next. It can feel absolutely relentless.

David Deming is the voice I listen most to when it comes to workplace economics, including the likely effects of AI. His belief is that while it’s impossible to predict exactly which new careers will be created, success overall is going to rest much more on the ability to quickly build new relationships and trust with new groups of people. That’s because we’ll be (and perhaps already are) in a world where we’ll need to shift our work identities more fluidly, and much faster.

Rites of Passage can be incredibly helpful in this new world. Because they provide the proverbial new ink to move from one life or career chapter, to the next. When done well, they give us the social signal and acceptance of others to move to that new chapter.

So, as Leader and a Parent myself, here are three questions I am thinking about:

1. How can i put in place self-created rites of passage?

Now self-employed, I don’t have any of my previous markers - annual appraisals, quarterly board meetings and the like. I’ve learned that I need to create my own markers and rites, for myself and on my own terms. For example, I attended an excellent workshop with Priya Joi that helped me reflect on how the last year had gone for my leadership practice, and what I hope to do better next year. I’m hoping to make this into an annual ritual.

2. Latch on to externally imposed markers (but on your terms).

I’ve also learned to harness qualifications and external competitions. My first coaching qualification, an upcoming wine exam, ever more challenging pickleball tournaments or comedy gigs - they all help me to feel progress and also open up new social networks. These can be daunting and terrifying at times, and run the risk of making the focus about external comparison rather than our own internal progress. But I’m trying to focus squarely on what I can control - using them to assess whether I am really getting to the next chapter, and if not, what I work on more to get there.

3. Help our kids to learn to set their own Rites of Passage.

Modern childhood and adolescence is jam packed and full of stimulation, including much unhelpful online distraction, as Jonathan Haidt ‘s work attests to. I’m learning that a lot of modern Parenthood is about helping our children to mark and celebrate their own progress through the world, through their own Rites of Passage. When I was growing up, my comparison was my street and my class in school; for my boys, thanks to social media, it’s the world. That can be overwhelming and can lead to a real sense of insignificance. Focusing on their own journeys and growth can help to offset that. For example, when my kids really wanted to explore golf seriously (after years of dabbling), they became junior members at our local club. The membership became a rite and ritual in one, and it opened up a new set of juniors and adults who they could learn from.

The challenge today is that life feels more like a zig-zag than the straight line escalator it once was.

The escalator model was, frankly, much easier: every few steps up, our education or work systems (if we were lucky) would automatically recognise and often reward us.

Zig-zags are trickier because the onus is on us to mark and celebrate our own progress. And to create the accompanying Rites of Passage for ourselves and for our kids.

I am trying to see this less as a burden - and more of a creative invitation to mark and celebrate growth on our own terms.